Mental illness
“i have cock ande it is not for any man to have i am gay and like to avoid blow cock shit dick no any apples for me yiddy boy set somethin in my nest bitch worms worms worms oh what the hell you are rainbows girl get the fuck out and lose it like an astroid on crack bitch you know how it is so polio motherfucker polio”
“YOU'RE GONNA GET ME OUTTA HERE?! DAMN FUCKING RIGHT YOU'RE GONNA GET ME OUT OF HERE!! WOOP WOOP!! A FRIENDLY PURPLE TURTLE MONKEY LIKE ME DOESN'T DESERVE TO BE COOPED UP IN HERE... I'M GETTIN' OUT... hey, where you going?”
They have the nerve to put me into this funny farm, then force me to stay? I'll show them. I'll show them all! Mheh mheh mheh! Oh! Who are you! Where did you come from! What do you want from me! What's that? You want me to tell you about menthol ilnesses? Oh, I'll tell you aaaaaaaaall about menthol illnesses... What's that? It's mental, not menthol? Oh, I'll tell you aaaaaaaaall about mental illnesses... Mheh mheh mheh!
You may think that all mentally ill people have the exact same mental illness. But you're wrong. I knew what you thought because I am psychic. Mental illnesses are extremely varied, but they are exactly the same in one regard: they are illnesses involving the mind. Realizing that is the first step to understanding mental illnesses.
Causes
There are obviously multiple causes of mental illness. There has been a focus on the neurotransmitters dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin, also known as the Big Three. Each disorder is likely to have a different causation, but many disorders are related to at least one of the Big Three. Not "related" in the family sense though. That would be really cool though. I wonder how it would work out. Anyway, I shouldn't dwell on the causes any more.
Types of mental illnesses
As I've said before, mental illnesses are not all the same. Here are all the mental illnesses I know of. However, this is not a complete list, so you should take precautions.
| Description | Examples |
|---|---|
| Disorders usually first diagnosed in infancy, childhood or BUGFUCK adolescence. Don't laugh at my swearing. That's LOLCAT offensive. | Tourette's Syndrome, Asperger Syndrome |
| Uh...I forget this part. I should move on. | Amnesia, Alzheimer's disease |
| Shubshtance-related disorders <hiccups> | Alcohol abuse |
| I don't have a mental illness <Boom> | Spontaneous Combustion |
| "I'm not a bad person. I'm a good person. I'm just a bad bad wizard." He said raising the gun to his temple. | Paranoia |
| What's that noise! Don't you make a scene! | Schizophrenia |
| Disorders that <sniffle> make your mood all won-<sniffle>-wonky...Oh, I can't go on... | Depression, Bipolar disorder |
| Changing the subject for a minute, but I was born into the wrong body. I should actually be more handsome. | Gender identity disorder |
| I can feel it coming on, oh shit I can't feel my thighs, who's mic stand is this, what colour is Thursday? It's my head, it's my head, it's my head. | Robert Downey Jnr Syndrome |
| Can't...sleep...ing...disorders... | Bart Simpson Syndrome |
| I can't go to the movies with you <to hot girl> as I really, really have to study <Exits,fast> | The Shakti Shimmy Syndrome |
| Look over there! <shuffling noises> No, you didn't have a shirt on. What, do you think I have an impulse-related disorder! <more shuffling noises> You didn't have pants on, either. | Kleptomania, OCD |
| The last group is personality disorders. I am better than people who have these. | Narcissism |
As you can see, I exhibit none of these.
Controversy
- Main article: Anti-psychiatry
Psychiatry, which treats mental illnesses, is very controversial. Here is an example of a controversy:
Innocent: Why are you putting me in this asylum? There's no reason for me to be an asylumni.
Psychiatrist: A portmanteau of "asylum" and "alumni"? How cute.
Innocent: Well, I should actually be more handsome... But stop trying to change the subject!
Psychiatrist: You tried to change the subject, not me.
Innocent: I was going to stay on the same subject, but I got lost along the way.
Psychiatrist: Well, you won't get lost where you're going.
Innocent: I won't? Is that true?
Psychiatrist: Yes.
Innocent: Oh, goody! Please lead me there!
Psychiatrist: I will. Oh, I will...
<one hour later>
Innocent: They have the nerve to put me into this funny farm, then force me to stay? I'll show them. I'll show them all! Mheh mheh mheh!
Conclusion
Even though I clearly do not have a disease, the psychiatrists, or the "white-coats" as I call them, are convinced that I do. I tried to give logical explanations to prove that I do not have an "omni-disorder" or whatever they call it. Yet those incompetent white-coats put me in this room anyway. I really can"t believe them. Psychiatrists used to be cool, you know. Now they're just lukewarm. But nobody in the free world knows about these injustices. Someone needs to expose this- someone like me. Help me in my escape. Together we will take this entire building and free all of the other innocents they have in their clutches. Tonight there will be anarchy! Bang on the walls with me! Anarchy! Anarchy! Anarchy!
Meanwhile...
Psychiatrist #1: <running down the hallway> I heard something about banging on the wall. Let's set him straight.
Psychiatrist #2: There's no need to. He's actually banging thin air. And after he had such a nice conversation with it.
<pause>
Psychiatrist #1: Let's set him straight.
The two men enter the room.
Psychiatrist #1: We're here to let you leave.
The psychiatrists lead the patient to the door, but they turn back once they reach it. The patient is oblivious to the bait and switch and is still cheerful a week later.
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Featured version: 8 October 2007 |
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