UnNews:India makes strides in sex parity

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31 January 2016

Ms. Seth is an unlikely daughter of the PM but a passable reason not to kill one's daughter, as she might wire money home if she just lands a few new parts.

CHANDIGARH, India -- The State of Haryana has improved the number of girls to 903 per 1000 boys after only a decade of trying.

The government of Prime Minister Narendra Modi has made it a national goal for Indians to stop aborting female fetuses, drowning female babies, and tying female teenagers to railroad tracks.

Mr. Modi himself took part in a #SelfieWithDaughter publicity stunt to show that female offspring can be somewhat fun, although it still costs a ton of money to marry them off. A follow-up campaign #HangOutWithDaughter was not as successful; although many men are willing to be photographed with their daughters? spending hella time with them? is still, like, rilly inconceivable, y'know?

Mr. Modi ran a nationwide contest for a girl to pose as his daughter, as the Prime Minister never even disclosed his own arranged marriage until 2014, and still claims to be a virgin, more estranged from his wife than even Bill Clinton, to retain his full-time job at the RSS, the Indian equivalent of the Tea Party movement. Television actress Shruti Seth won the contest to be Mr. Modi's daughter, saying "I'll play any role," despite scathing commentary on social media that she had entered the contest merely for cheap publicity and to re-launch her career in Bollywood.

Ministers in Haryana emphasised that, if citizens want to continue having girls' sports, it will require having girls.

It is a jailing offence in India to go to a doctor to test the sex of a fetus or request a medical cure for "femaleness"; to visit a craftsman who builds ships in bottles and request an in-womb penis installation; also to abort a female fetus without having a good excuse other than gender, such as not being sure who the father was or being "afraid of giving birth to a baby with freckles," a debilitating fear although it is a rare event in Haryana. Fear of giving birth to a jat baby is more serious, and Haryana announced a quota to protect these babies after violent protests spread across the state. In cases of triplets, quadruplets, and so on, at least one of the babies will be required to be a jat.

Mr. Modi noted that Haryana, once notorious for killing daughters, is now renowned for its efforts to save them. Its Jhajjar district, by comparison, gets a grade of "Needs Work" with only 794 girls per 1000 boys. Mr. Modi has telephoned Dick Cheney to cancel an invitation to Jhajjar to kick off its #ShootWithDaughter campaign. Sirsa tops the list at 999. A national search has gone out for the one missing girl, though U.S. Vice President Joe Biden is certain she is a convenience-store cashier in Wilmington, Delaware, where he says they all have a faint accent.

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