UnNews:Hillary helps prepare evidence against her

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
The news outlet with approval higher than Congress ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, November 21, 2024, 15:26:59 (UTC)
Hillary helps prepare evidence against her UnNews Logo Potato.png

12 September 2015

This is the more serene Hillary, whom aides state will also be more spontaneous at a press conference on Tuesday.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton assisted further with the process of preparing evidence for an informal State Department inquiry into her tenure as Secretary of State.

Ms. Clinton, who did the nation the favor of eliminating irrelevant documents from the Compaq TC1100 tablet computer in the lavatory off her bedroom from which she ran the Department — and the additional favor of redacting passages from memos that were certainly not confidential (as she never handled confidential files on private servers) but obviously should have been — offered active assistance with the remaining files.

The documents are stored at the State Department, in a conference room adjacent to the one to which Congressmen can go to read the current draft of President Obama's Nukes for Jihadists "Deal" with Iran provided they promise not to photograph, take notes on, or remember, what they have read. Bad memory has never been a problem for Congressional leaders Boehner and Mitch McConnell, and in lieu of signing the non-disclosure agreement, they were allowed in after splitting a fifth of bourbon.

Ms. Clinton stressed that the investigation is not criminal, and the State Department said that its Janice Jacobs is not a prosecutor nor merely a top-tier Hillary campaign donor but a "transparency coordinator." Hillary has stressed that she has acted "as transparently as possible,"[1] as she hopes her Presidency will even exceed Mr. Obama's Most Transparent Administration in History, at least in that portion of history after history was rendered irrelevant by the election of a "black" President. It is to facilitate this transparency during the investigation that is not criminal that her aide Bryan Pagliano is not splitting a fifth but taking the Fifth.

Long-time Clinton confidant Sandy Berger accompanied Ms. Clinton to the evidence room and reprised his former role of removing documents that might muddy the relevant issues by secreting them in his bulging underpants and in his socks. However, he stressed that the government will be able to track their every movement, thanks to his ankle bracelet.

Go to the Front Page
UnNews Senior Editors are currently furiously fact-checking this related article:

Hillary sorry, nation set to Move On

The serene and suddenly remorseful Ms. Clinton will answer questions before the Benghazi Committee chaired by Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC) on October 22, unless all this hub-bub has blown over and the nation has Moved On. Aide Huma Abedin will precede Ms. Clinton in an equally informal chat, provided lawyers can agree, in a document called a "proffer," that the $33,000 that Hillary's favorite Iranian shook out of the government during her not-quite-official maternity leave will not be a topic, and certain graphic posts made by her husband, Hispanic former Rep. Carlos Danger (D-NJ), à propos of bulging underpants, will be off the table and perhaps entirely under it.

Footnote[edit]

  1. ↑ Derek Hunter at TownHall.com notes that "Aluminum foil also is 'as transparent as possible.' It’s just not very transparent."

Sources[edit]

Retrieved from "https://uncyclopedia.com/w/index.php?title=UnNews:Hillary_helps_prepare_evidence_against_her&oldid=6172713"