UnNews:FBI: North Korea hacked Sony

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19 December 2014

But enough about me! What do you think of me?

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The FBI confirmed that North Korea was behind a hack of Sony Pictures that stole everything from employee data to complete copies of unreleased films, to boardroom emails that reveal that Sony big-shots with a golf date with President Obama had no idea what to say to an actual Negro. Previously, the FBI had been open to the possibility that there was simply malware on the used PCs North Korea bought to run its nuclear centrifuges.

To what wire services call the "dilemma" of a rogue state attacking a large business, White House spokesman "Josh" "Earnest" said the rogue President was "studying a proportional response." This would be a response that will make Mr. Obama look resolute, while keeping Mr. Obama from looking reckless. Mr. Earnest told reporters he would have more information at the end of the day on how Mr. Obama looks, and whether guiding his reputation through the current crisis might also require empty threats, such as drawing more red lines for North Korea not to dare to cross. Unfortunately, most of the officials responsible for appeasing foreign dictators are spending the week in Cuba.

Seeing Mr. Obama floundering, "opposition" Senator John McCain opened his own yap and threw Mr. Obama the usual lifeline. "This will empower and embolden bad actors to use cyber even more aggressively in the future. I shay we nuke 'em, heh heh heh," giggled the Arizonan.

Happily, Sony obviated actual action by either political party by voluntarily pulling the film The Interview from movie theatres. The Interview is a surreal comedy about a plot to assassinate Korean strongman Kim-Jong Il, something no one would think of on his own. Sony executives turned from discussing the horrors of meeting Mr. Obama to manufacturing excuses for their action, such as that the film was "horribly unfunny" and only blackmail from a foreign dictator could bring that to their attention. Mr. Obama turned to the nation, taking time out from praising Raul Castro to call Sony cowardly for pulling the movie and saying, "They should have talked to me first," as Mr. Obama could have guaranteed there would be no blackmail, lawsuits, or terrorist attacks on cinemas. It is not as though they were making a YouTube video critical of Islam. Mr. Obama said "we can't have a society in which some dictator some place can start imposing censorship," excepting Tea Party groups seeking a tax exemption from the IRS.

Current U.S. policy toward North Korea is to pay it to promise to allow international agencies to inspect the nuclear weapons it was not supposed to be building in the first place. Thus the Administration promptly sent Secretary of State John Kerry to the region to determine how much more cash would be appropriate to beg the Korean regime not to hack American companies again.

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