UnNews:Comey reopens Filegate case

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Democracy Dies with Dignity ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, November 21, 2024, 15:20:59 (UTC)
Comey reopens Filegate case UnNews Logo Potato.png

30 October 2016

Huma Abedin (left) reacts with horror to the possibility that Comey might have been serious when making her swear that there were no other devices.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- FBI director James Comey has reopened the case against likable, inevitable, Democratic Party presidential nominee Hillary Clinton just eleven days before the national election.

Mr. Comey sent a letter to important Congressmen explaining that new documents had been found during investigation of a laptop owned by Clinton aide Huma Abedin and her estranged husband Rep. Carlos Danger (D-NJ). The couple had envisioned a marriage with political appeal to both Iranian and Hispanic voters, a strategy blunted when Rep. Danger elected instead to appeal to 15-year-old girls. When the FBI pursued the nation's business of cracking down on naughty texts, it stumbled on Mrs. Abedin's personal copy of 640,000 emails, some of them the classified emails dealt with during Huma's shredding party the day after Congress demanded them.

Mr. Comey had closed the case after a thorough review of Mrs. Clinton's decision to run the entire U.S. State Department off a server just above the bidet off the master bedroom of her home in Chappaqua, New York. Mr. Comey stated that he was unable to find any evidence that Mrs. Clinton did so for the purpose of mishandling confidential papers. Moreover, Mrs. Clinton seemed unskilled at operating any of the dozen electronic devices she denied having, even sometimes pressing the buttons with a hammer. And there was no hard proof that the Secretary of State understood the laws for handling classified documents despite eight years as First Lady and twelve as a Senator on the Armed Services Committee. He stated that "no reasonable prosecutor" would file charges against Mrs. Clinton, especially after her husband the ex-President has a secret meeting with the Attorney General on an airport runway and the lawman thinks about the large trail of dead bodies of less reasonable prosecutors.

Go to the Front Page
UnNews Senior Editors are currently arguing over the gender-neutrality of this related article:

Obama votes early; Pookie does not

Clinton campaign chair Robby "Cousin Pookie" Mook was indignant that the probe was reopened. He said standard FBI policy was to avoid doing anything political within 60 days of an election. Mr. Mook said that, by comparison, for Mr. Comey to dummy up while key documents fell into his lap would not have been political at all. Mr. Mook said the American people deserve all the facts, so that they could decide who needs to be bribed or found neatly laid out in a public park with a gun as though he had committed suicide.

However, the public has gotten a Chinese water torture of facts, in twice-weekly document dumps from prankster Julian Assange's website Wikipedia. They hacked the email account of Clinton consigliere John "Pod People" Podesta by offering him a helpful web page, hosted from Ukraine, on which to pick a new Gmail password — realizing that Clinton aides self-select for independent thinking less often than jihadi suicide bombers self-select for experience. The emailed notice that "Someone has your password" thus has become the best self-fulfilling prophecy of the entire campaign. These document dumps show detailed planning of acts for which Mr. Comey found no legal proof of intent, not that the law on secret documents requires any.

Mrs. Clinton's opponent, Republican Donald Trump, reacted with his usual insight. "She's corrupt, the media is in the tank, and the election is rigged. It's sad, so sad. Saddest ever."

Although the FBI has the laptop, it cannot lawfully read any of the files without convincing the same Attorney General to get a search warrant. The last time that happened, Democratic Party lawyers attached conditions, such as that the FBI could only print out the directory and play a couple games of FreeCell, then had to destroy the laptops. However, the beauty of metadata is that lawmen no longer have to read the documents to know that they are copies of documents they had already read somewhere they had permission to. Thus, in contrast Mr. Trump's wild claims, everything is being done strictly by the book.

Sources[edit]

Retrieved from "https://uncyclopedia.com/w/index.php?title=UnNews:Comey_reopens_Filegate_case&oldid=5963461"