UnNews:Obama votes early; Pookie does not

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Fake News that's honestly fake ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, November 21, 2024, 11:42:59 (UTC)
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21 October 2014

Mr. Obama has voted, but Cousin Pookie (center) does not intend to.

CHICAGO, Illinois -- President Obama has taken advantage of his right under Illinois law to vote two weeks before the mid-term election.

Reporters were surprised that Mr. Obama did not politick during his brief visit to the polls here. Polling clerks were not surprised, because it is illegal. But he praised "the office of citizen," leaving unanswered why it is now also illegal for someone with the rank of citizen to pick bare-bones health insurance, agree to work for $6 an hour, or buy a 100-watt light bulb.

Later, Mr. Obama told a crowd in Maryland that they should also vote early, especially if they are African American and the polling place is on Martin Luther King Avenue at a school named for someone shot by police that will dredge up real or pretend racial grievances.

Mr. Obama is wise enough to make excellent decisions before the facts are in. When he doesn't have all the facts, he can often decide based on the legacy of slavery that authorities "acted stupidly." He said voters should be equally willing to vote before they learn how many Mexicans will be fast-tracked to citizenship, how many more IRS employees "had their hard disks fail" just before throwing their cell phones into the fireplace by mistake, and how many health policies will be cancelled for failing to comply with Obama-care, among disclosures slated for late November. He also said voters would be calmer if they voted before seeing what ISIS and the Ebola virus can do in two more weeks.

Many blacks, however, are not certain of the Obama administration's accomplishments, apart from recruiting millions of foreigners to take their jobs. Given the hint that even more blacks may shun the election than Republicans with actual beliefs, Mr. Obama said his audience should urge their friends to vote before learning all the facts too. "You’ve got to find cousin Pookie. He’s sitting on the couch right now watching football, hasn’t voted in the last five elections, you’ve got to grab him and tell him to go vote," said the President. It is not clear how a Chief Executive could know that much about his audience's families, but many in the audience immediately left to find cousin Pookie.

This reporter located Pookie, in a shotgun shack in Nacogdoches, Louisiana. After Pookie put the shotgun down and opened the door, he confirmed that he hasn't voted in the last five elections, but insisted he wouldn't vote in this one either. Pookie appeared to be perturbed that his Obama-phone, provided by the welfare office to assist him in keeping employment interviews, does not seem to download porn without an extra monthly charge. His biggest public-policy concern is that his Extended Unemployment payments get him through two or three more elections.

Sources[edit]

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