UnNews:Civil war hits Wisconsin
| Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Thursday, November 21, 2024, 18:58:59 (UTC) |
| Civil war hits Wisconsin | 
|
21 February 2011
MADISON, Wisconsin -- Just as Christ demonstrated his first miracle by changing water into wine, Republican governor of Wisconsin Scott Walker began his term by turning tea into pot, that is, converting right-wing populism to left-wing populism. On February 11, Gov. Walker proposed a budget plan to decrease the state's deficit that included cutting benefits for labor unions and state workers, exempting police, firefighters and state troopers. This immediately ignited controversy, first across Wisconsin, then the country. Thus, the battle lines between teabaggers and fisters are drawn.
Walker, who is so allergic to public money that he has a history of giving large fractions of his salary back, was apparently unaware that an effective way to sell free-market capitalism to the masses could be to first go after benefits for big businesses, repealing small-business-crushing laws and regulations or extending Milwaukee's education voucher program long before sticking it to the labor movement. The governor was also seemingly clueless that his suggestion to use the Wisconsin National Guard against dissenters would proverbially throw gasoline on the flames. Whether he's a genuine fascist or a genuine moron is a question political analysts have yet to determine. Perhaps both, presuming he failed art school.
Strong believers in the spirit of altruism and self-sacrifice, Democrats refuse to have government workers give up half their taxpayer funded pensions for the sake of the state's failing budget. Feeling the heat, Gov. Walker gave a speech calling for cooperation, to which Senator Mark Miller responded, "Cooperation for the common good? Seriously? What, is this guy high?"
All fourteen of Wisconsin's Democratic senators fled the state in protest, refusing to do their jobs in order to delay voting on the bill, igniting a "Hell yeah!" from Republican Wisconsinites who don't quite understand how their own Congress works. Keeping with Walker's promise to use force if necessary, state troopers were sent to Sen. Miller's house, only to be foiled by traps set by Macaulay Culkin. When asked to explain such extreme measures, Walker was quoted as saying his governing philosophy and laissez-faire principles, "Stem less from the works of Adam Smith and more from Augusto Pinochet."
Where lawmakers were absent, public workers and activists were loud. All across the capitol was the image of signs that read: "DEMOCRACY WORKS WHEN YOU AGREE WITH IT!", "SAVE TEECHERS!" [sic], "IMPEACH BUSH WALKER!", "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WON'T ANYONE THINK OF THE TEACHERS UNIONS?!", "YOU KNOW WHO ELSE HATED WORKERS' UNIONS? HITLER!" and "WAIT A MINUTE.. THIS ISN'T THE LEGALIZE MARIJUANA RALLY".
Education didn't forget to grab a piece of the pie. Many teachers unions performed a totally illegal strike by having all the teachers calling in sick, then giving their students a special totally illegal field trip to the state capitol to teach them the merits of Democracy. Gov. Walker later commented on this, saying he believes the right of employers to send police to their workers' houses to see if they faked a sick day is a fantastic idea, and perhaps it should be added to the legislation.
Meanwhile, college students of University of Wisconsin met at the state capitol to rally against both high tuition costs and the cut to public employees that would lower tuition costs. Exasperated at such cruel injustice, 22-year-old Caleb Thomas told reporters, "What the hell, man?! If Walker guts the public sector, my Sociology degree will be WORTHLESS!!"
In case the citizens weren't loud enough, the top unions in the country, such as the AFL-CIO, the National Education Association and the one entity hated by Conservatives more than Satan himself, the ACLU, stepped in to give their support to those holding Democracy themed banners and waving American flags by passing out copies of Toward Soviet America by William Z. Foster.
The rallies climaxed[1] on Saturday when the Tea Party came to town. Local accountant Isaiah Theodore Bagwell told reporters, "I don't know how this is gonna play out, but honestly, as a libertarian and a political junky, this whole scenario is giving me a huge, bulging erection. I sincerely hope agents of the state all get murdered!"
Rather than compare Scott Walker to Adolf Hitler like their left-wing counterparts, the Tea Party compared the governor to the second most widely celebrated icon of the Right, Ronald Reagan. One confused individual held up a sign stating: "KEEP GOVERNMENT TENTACLES OUT OF LABOR!" This now famous redneck, named Frank DeRose, was declared the new Joe the Plumber by the media, the original Joe presumed to be long dead. Though many of the pro-Walker movement's signs were somewhat amusing, particularly the one that said: "WALKER, WISCONSIN RANGER!", many political pundits believe the once hilarious and Poe's Law inducing Tea Party has lost its touch.
Speaking of wacky picket signs, Westboro Baptist Church was there protesting homosexuals, but this sentence acknowledging their presence is all the coverage UnNews is giving to them.
Although the day of shared space by rallies with opposing agendas was overall civil, by sunset any hope for peace in Mid-West vanished, as the Left and Right engaged in a bloody fist fight not seen since the Battle of Hohum during the Civil War, when the United States and the Confederate armies coincidentally ran out of ammo at the same time, exclaimed, "Fuck it," and started beating each other to the death.[2] Police were sent to stop the riots, only to have each side react by killing the police. On Sunday, the Wisconsin state prison was full of political prisoners, making the budget problem all the worse.
President Obama sent a message of condolence to Governor Walker for having to tolerate insane protesters immune to reason, saying:
| “ | How's it feel, bitch? | ” |
Footnotes
Sources
- George Stephanopoulos "Wisconsin State Senator Mark Miller Calls Governor Scott Walker's Budget Tactics 'Insulting,' Asks for 'Respect'". ABC News, February 18, 2011
- Ryan J. Foley "Protests start for 6th day at Wisconsin Capitol". Associated Press, February 19, 2011
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