UnNews:Bob Dole: "GOP is out of step and out of touch"

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26 May 2013

Dole: A man of his time predicts GOP's future, without him: it isn't good, and it isn't pretty

WASHINGTON via KS – Bob (“The Human Pineapple”) Dole, a big-time loser way back when, offered some not-so-sage advice to the Grand Ol' Party (GOP): “Take a lesson from a guy who's been around, and close up shop” until “you're fixed.” “Fixed?” Unnews reporter Lotta Lies asked. “That's right, the Republicans need to neuter themselves if they expect to be re-elected in the current, politically correct political environment.”

Dole, who served as a U. S. senator, from 1969 to 1996, “because I love my country and couldn't get a real job,” believes “the nation has changed. Americans have turned a corner, and the Republicans need to neuter their beliefs and fix their values if they ever want to regain power on Capitol Hill. The common American considers us to be out of step and out of touch.”

When Chris Wallace, of Fox News, asked the former senator what his impression of Obama is, Dole replied, “He's testicular, virile, and, like most of the rest of the men of his race, I'd bet he's, well, let's just say 'generously endowed,' you know, down there.”

Asked whether he thought such statements were “racist,” Dole said, “Not unless you're a faggot, a minority group member, or a bleeding-heart liberal.”

Dole also praised Obama's golf game. “The only other colored man—I mean, man of color—I've seen that can hold a candle to him is that serial adulterer, Tiger Woods.” Dole leaned in toward Wallace, and, in a lowered voice, confided, “I bet he's well hung, too.”

According to Dole, "neither Tricky Dick Nixon nor Ronald Reagan would be accepted into the GOP's inner circle nowadays, although Hillary Clinton might be.”

To attract more votes in the next presidential election, Dole, 89, said, “The Republicans have to abandon family values and embrace gay rights, give up on dead white men and court the coloreds, stop enforcing archaic laws concerning border security and throw open the floodgates to the mixed races of the southern hemisphere, reject pro-lifers' demands that unborn babies be accorded the Constitutional right to life and stop persecuting medical doctors who abort live newborns. In short, Republicans must become RINOs [i. e., Repiblicans In Name Only], like me.”

“Isn't that a lot to expect?” Wallace asked.

“Not unless you're a faggot, a minority group member, or a bleeding-heart liberal,” Dole declared.

“We'll be right back,” Wallace said, looking aghast, “right after this word from our sponsor.” He frowned, listening, as a producer appeared to speak to him through his earphone. “We don't have any sponsors anymore?” he asked.

A public service spot aired; when Wallace returned, Dole was gone.

“The senator realized he wasn't in Kansas, anymore,” the anchor explained to his audience, “and he's gone in search of the Wizard, to give him a heart and a brain.”