UnNews:Basketball star LeBron James freed from slavery

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A newsstand that's brimming with issues ✪ UnNews ✪ Tuesday, November 5, 2024, 12:19:59 (UTC)
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12 July 2010

A new, multi-year contract will put LeBron James on a South Beach Diet, which will presumably keep him from having to snack on body parts.

SOUTH BEACH, Florida -- Basketball star LeBron James announced, over the weekend, his decision to "take my talents to South Beach."

The career-change decision was carried on an hour-long television sports special on ESPN, following a two-hour pre-game show featuring always-popular speculation by sportscasters. The day was like a long rain delay in baseball without the bad weather.

Following the decision, Dan Gilbert, owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers, where Mr. James's talents had played, wrote a petulant open letter to fans of the franchise once known as the Cadavers, pledging to win an NBA championship without talent before Mr. James's talents next win one with talent.

The letter itself produced backlash from the Right Reverend Rev. Jesse Jackson. He called Mr. Gilbert's comments "arrogant and presumptuous," two traits that the self-styled spokesman for the entire Negro race always avoids. Rev. Jackson's several Ph.D. degrees in psychology gave him grounds to say that Mr. Gilbert "sees LeBron as a runaway slave." UnNews has determined that Mr. James's talents were, in fact, paid for their years of work in Cleveland. Rev. Jackson's comments, in a press release from his Chicago-based civil rights group, the Rainbow PUSH Coalition, also diagnosed Mr. Gilbert's "feelings of betrayal." The press release proposed that Mr. Gilbert could work through these feelings--perhaps on another long day of special programming on ESPN.

Rev. Jackson had no comment on the psychology of Mr. James's talents calling themselves the King and referring to themselves in the third person. Nor did Rev. Jackson discuss the move of Mr. James's talents to South Beach, the nightclub zone of Miami, rather than the actual basketball arena, which is somewhere else.

Separately, Mark Cuban, owner of the Dallas Mavericks, called for the NBA to investigate why so many highly paid basketball stars wind up in Miami. Oddly, stupid talk show hosts Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity had already concluded that it was Florida's lack of a state income tax, compared to states such as New York, which would siphon off 10% of Mr. James's new, higher paycheck if his talents had gone to the Knicks instead. Mr. Cuban's team is in Texas, which doesn't have a state income tax either. Thus, a simpler explanation is that Mr. Cuban is just a loser.

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