UnNews:Apple Watch is psychoactive

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08 March 2015

When I wear this, I want to touch myself.

CUPERTINO, California -- The new Apple Watch has been isolated in a lab and all communication with the outside world has been shut off, over serious concerns that the new trendy tech device causes identical behavior patterns on the vain and weak-willed as addictive drugs.

Scientists have spent weeks at Apple's headquarters working hands-on with high-risk users, such as teens, real estate agents and marketeers. The social effects of Apple technology have always been a concern; however, psychological and physical effects are now also evident.

Recent trials found that use of smart technology to show superiority over others showed major components of addiction: bingeing, craving, and withdrawl. The watch also promotes self-sensationalization, the tendency of one addictive self-promoting activity to lead to other addictions. All of these components have been observed in humans with drug-abuse issues.

In neuroscience, food, sex, and House of Cards are “natural rewards.” For species survival, evolution has created the mesolimbic pathway, which makes these things inherently pleasurable.

Apple Computer researchers have proposed as a new “natural reward” that the purchaser consider himself the coolest, most important thing in the universe.

Neuroscientist Chino Black said: "When one of the high-risk category is looking in the mirror in pressed white drainpipes, neat goatee, black polo neck, and holding cool tech, dopamine is released to signal to the brain, which then says “Hey, you look good... so good I’d like you to make love to yourself, right here, right now.”

"A decade ago, the average sales executive received 22 compliments on his or her personal technology. Today 50 or more regularly, actually changes the gene expression and the individual; be it a media producer or architect. He then starts to actively fish for compliments. The average graphics designer or dental hygenist is now looking for between 80 and 100 strokes of the silicon ego a day, since the release of the iPhone 6, to avoid having to go to the toilet and self-compliment to release pent up anxiety."

In lab tests, a Client Relations Associate or tennis instructor is deprived of the Apple Watch for 12 hours each day, then given 12 hours of access to the watch and an iPhone. After a month of following this daily pattern, subjects displayed behaviors similar to those on drugs. They binge on compliment-fishing by flashing the watch or obsessively pressing buttons in a short period of time, much more than their regular Apple product. They also show signs of anxiety and depression during the watch deprivation period. Many Talent Sourcing Recruiters who are later exposed to drugs, such as cocaine and opiates, demonstrate dependent behaviors towards the drugs compared to those who did not consume the Apple Watch beforehand.

As Apple's first new device since the iPad in 2010, the stakes are high, and the “in-vogue” sophistication of the target purchaser is critical for its success. This latest development is causing concern that the latest Apple products could end up being purchased by the wrong stereotypes, forcing the company to change its product name to the Apple Monitor Tag.