UnNews:Amy Winehouse says a legible sentence without singing it

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3 January 2008

Singer, alcoholic, and whore, Amy Winehouse, shown here at a New Year's Eve performance, drinking her 170th rum & Coke of the evening.

FANTASY LAND, Dream World -- Famed singer, drug-addict, and whore, Amy Winehouse, is rumored to have said at least one legible sentence over the New Year's holiday.

A spokesperson for Island records, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said "I called Miss Winehouse on New Year's morning, the morning after my New Year's Eve party and asked her, `Amy, did you have fun last night at the party?` And then she (Miss Whinehouse) said, `Yes.`"

When the news first broke on Wednesday (January 2nd, 2008), many were quick to state that "yes" isn't a sentence. However, English professors -- both those studied in American English and those studied in Her Majesty's Right-Proper English -- all seem to agree that it is, indeed, a sentence. On the other hand, most experts agree that, while the statement "yes", followed by a period, technically constitutes a sentence, it is still far below the average capitability of someone of Winehouse's age and upbringing.

A photograph of two children who, like Amy Wino, were left behind.

"What you have here is an obvious failure of the education system", said James Cranston, a spokesman for The Organization to Stop Leaving Children Behind, a non-profit group that is critical of George W. Bush's "No Child Left Behind Act", which was signed into effect in 1912. "Many children have been left behind over the years, and each one is as tragic as the next, and the last. But, as far as children go, Amy was definitely one that was left behind more", he explained to us.

It's long-been rumored in tabloid magazines, such as The National Inquistioner, that Winehouse saves her spoken-legibility for pillow talk with her boyfriend, Blake Fielder-Civil, a civil-engineer for the city of New York, and a Center Fielder for The New York Mets. However, inside sources, including Winehouse's live-in maid, Maria Quesadilla-Margarita-Juarez, have stated that the a large majority of screams of passion and lust from Amy's room are "just as illegible as anything else that crazy woman says".


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