UnNews:Abu Hamza 'devastated' over Queen revelation

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25 September 2012

Hamza in his former role of Antiques Roadshow appraiser.

LONDON, England -- Abu Hamza, the hook-handed poster boy for Islamic fundamentalism, was said by friends to be "devastated" after it was revealed that Queen Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland lobbied for his arrest.

Hamza, who has been waiting for the last 10 years in a British jail to receive a one-way ticket to the USA for preaching jihad in a London street, asked for an extra size box of man size tissues when the news was broken to him. An anonymous source at Belmarsh Prison revealed exclusively to UnNews what had been going on in the former preacher's prison cell.

"Of course, Abu always puts on a strong face in public - calling for the end of Western civilisation and the death to all enemies of Allah, but deep down, he's really a sweetie... and a monarchist! The Queen might have thought she was attacking a heartless villain, but this was a man who cried during William and Kate's wedding, and just as recently as last week, was furious at the published photos of the Duchess's breasts." When asked if there was any evidence that the former cleric of Finsbury Park Mosque had slipped a handkerchief onto his hook-hand in order to wipe away his tears of joy during the former event, the disappointing answer was, "No."

Buckingham Palace declined to comment on the case, but it is thought that the Queen, who turns 174 in October, spent the entire day writhing on a massive four-poster bed made of solid gold, in a paroxysm of embarrassment. Brought up to follow a certain protocol, it is anathema to anyone of the Royal Family, or indeed Germans in general since World War II, to be heard to have said anything political. Even when the man is a lunatic. Even when he has been charged with urging his followers to murder Jews, Hindus, Christians and Americans. Elizabeth's father George VI was a master of such understatement, stating after the outbreak of war in 1939, "This is a most unfortunate occurrence. Would that it hadn't happened," and later avoiding all sensitive subjects by constantly stuttering.

BBC Journalist Frank Gardner, who broke the news after speaking with Her Maj, has gone into hiding after incurring the wrath (pronounced 'roth') of the Royal Family, who have 15 years' experience in faking deaths in car accidents. He was available only to speak via Facebook chat, and wrote: "It was never my intention to report what a public figure said to me - that goes totally against my principles as a journalist. I now realise, with an s, not a z, that it was entirely inappropriate for me to tell a nation that its head of state held an unremarkable opinion about an unambiguous situation, and I highly regret that. Please note that I have left my car at home, I have no intention of using it, and any attempt to sabotage the brakes will endanger only my wife and children, who have never quoted the Queen. Frank Gardner isn't on chat, but you can still send him a message."


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