UnBooks:I don't like Conservatives, but I really fucking hate Liberals!

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This article is written in the real or imagined writing style of its subject. If you do not find it funny, it is probably because you are the type who needed this explained to you. If you still do not find the article funny, that is surely because a joke loses its humor when it is explained. The authors sincerely hope that you will pick up your game and laugh without prompting in the future.

A perspective by Matt Stone, co-creator of South Park, on US Politics.[1]

  • Note: Uncyclopedia must issue a warning that celebrity voices and speech patterns are badly imitated in this UnBook and should not be confused for the real thing. Quoting parts of this UnBook will lead one to be socially outcasted, politically black balled, put on Hollywood's "shit list", deported, found UnAmerican, accused of having a mental disorder like Asperger's Syndrome, or to just plain be confused for Matt Stone. This UnBook was written to give an alternative point of view a chance as the majority here at Uncyclopedia are mostly liberal points of views sprinkled with a few conservative points of views (That don't get nominated for VFD).


They took our jobs, derka durrr!

Do you know what really chaps my ass? Conservatives, I don't like them. Never have, never will. Conservatives are all about the money and how rich they can get. They often cause wars and ruin the economy all so their megacorporation that lobbied them money for their campaign can earn a profit from that war or ruined economy. Like Unclefucker Halliburton and Bush and Cheney. Plus they are always forcing their beliefs and views on everyone. Unclefucker Fundamentalist Christians, they are most often conservatives pretending to be real Christians, but they are nothing like real Christians. Then there are the poor white trash redneck conservatives.

If you are reading this far, and agree with me, and are a liberal, I really fucking hate liberals. Why? Because they are Unclefucking hypocrites. Now they really really chap my ass so badly that I need Preparation H to recover from it. They claim to be for hope and change, but they are really for dope and fame. Just like the conservatives, the Unclefucking liberals take money from lobbyists to fund their campaigns, but at least the conservatives are honest enough not to hide it or deny it when asked about it. The liberals just lie, "Oh I'm not a politician, I am a people person, a community organizer." What they really mean to say is "I'm a real politician but I know how to lie and cover stuff up, I am a master manipulator and a real bastard/bitch who takes advantage of poor people with my community organizing and use them as pawns by keeping them poor all so I can promote my political career off of them."

Rights for Lefties[edit]

Yeah but liberals claim they are for human rights and civil rights, and the liberals want to pass "Gay Marriage" so that Homosexuals can marry. Now I have nothing against gays, lesbians, or other sexually oriented people, but I cannot help but notice that every time someone brings up something about liberals like they didn't fix healthcare or the economy or end that war as promised, they tend to bring up issues as "Gay Marriage" being more important and that they should pass it. Do you know what I Unclefucking hate, the fact that every time the liberals have control of the White House and both houses of Congress, they never pass a "Gay Marriage" bill despite making it their campaign promises. That is because they are hypocrites, and don't really support "Gay Marriage". When asked to define marriage liberals say the same thing as the conservatives "Marriage is between one man and one woman" only the conservatives are homophobic bigots when they say it, but the liberals are not? Give me a break. Liberals like to keep homosexuals down as well, and then pretend to care about them and their rights when it is election time, and then ignore them while in office.

What a true Neo-Nazi in the sixth column sleeper cells of the Senate and Congress look like for real as they pretend to be a Liberal Democrat

Notice as they say civil rights or human rights, but never equal rights. Originally it was equal rights for all, everyone should be treated as equals and treated fairly. It doesn't matter what race, religion, color of skin, creed, gender, national origin, age, disability, sexual orientation, etc people should be treated the same. But the liberals, being the lying hypocrites that they are, first treat themselves as royalty above all others, and then they place animals over other human beings, and then minorities, but the majority they say fuck them and treat them as third class citizens. As I mentioned above the liberals keep the poor down by making sure that they stay poor. They do this by taking a great city like Chicago or Detroit and turning them into slums and ghettos and then not prosecuting slum lords to keep the districts rotten. Then this drives away the majority who move to richer neighborhoods and cities that they can afford, and keeps the poor locked up like they are in jail. Will the liberals give the poor jobs? Hell no! Because they don't have any education because they dropped out of high school or college in order to take two or three jobs to pay the rent, and liberals refuse to take pity on them and hire them. Unless it is for a retail clerk job or fast food joint, forget it. This way the liberals force low paying jobs on the poor and minorities locked up into their rotten cities that are run like a concentration camp for poor and minorities. Because they are barred from getting a good education, the liberals can trick them into thinking the rich fat cat conservatives are keeping them down, not the rich fat cat liberals, so they will vote liberal all of the time.

The Liberal Worship of Nature and how they Exploit it[edit]

Yeah but liberals claim to be for the environment. Al Gore wants to save the planet. Unclefucking Al Gore and other liberals ride around in V8 limos that aren't even hybrids and then jet around in private jets and pollute more than anyone else on the planet. Plus they have houses that aren't green but fossil fuel based. Plus Gore owns zinc companies that rape the planet and pollute. Many liberals own stock in gas, oil, natural gas, coal, and other fossil fuel companies and then pass Cap and Trade and promote global warming and peak oil to manipulate fossil fuel prices. So I am letting people know about their great scams they use to get rich quick. They don't care about the environment any more than the conservatives do, but they use it as a political agenda and baseball bat against the poor. How? Because they control the megacorporations that make the "green tech" that ironically isn't so green but costs more than the "normal tech" which ironically is greener than the "green tech" as well as less expensive. Plug-In Hybrids, please, they become coal burning cars and coal burning enough electricity to charge them causes more pollution and carbon dioxide than running them on gas. Now when T. Boone Pickens tries to get solar and wind energy bills passed through Congress, the liberals vote it down. Why? It is Green Renewable Energy that would reduce our dependence on coal. But the liberals own coal stock and thus vote it down.

The Rape of Organized Religion by the Left-Tards[edit]

Liberals often bash religion, except for Liberal Christianity or Marxism disguised as a religion. Now I grew up an agnostic, so I know how people can be skeptical, often critical of religion. But liberals take it too far. I am not just talking about the atheists, agnostics, secular humanists and people like Richard Dawkins that attack religion, it is just that most liberals have an axe to grind with most religions. They claim that religion is a method of mind control and brainwashing, and it must be eliminated. Ignoring their own worship of nature from above, turning a non-religion into a mainstream religion that is based on secularism and a combination of communism and molochism. That organized religion they don't find so bad. Now maybe I agree with them that Fundamentalist Christians are out of control, but they aren't as bad as the nature worshiping liberals. Nature worshiping liberals will take things too far and remove any religious or semi-religious anything from public and trample on the US Constitution that says freedom of religion and freedom of religious expression. They even go so far as chisel off the crosses and star of Davids on tombstones, and remove the crosses from places that highway accidents happened because it is a public road. I expect them to round up religious people they hate so much and place them into concentration camps for "reeducation". Not all liberals are like that nor are all atheists, agnostics, secular humanists, and non-religious people, but the religion haters tend to take control of things in the law and act as judges to attack religion with a bully pulpit. Freedom from religion they claim, but that is not a valid freedom anymore than freedom from free speech, freedom from oxygen, freedom from free press, and freedom from freedom and liberty. The US Constitution never said anything about separation of church and state, and even if it did symbols of religion are not a church nor is God a church, a church is but one branch of a religion and it is not God or religious symbols. In the Declaration of Independence it says our freedoms and rights come from the God of Nature, look it up. Our founding fathers were Deists and they wanted God and religious symbols as part of the public as well as the private. George Washington held public prayers as did Abraham Lincoln and even FDR and many other Presidents.

Liberals, great people whose brains don't work properly[edit]

We are liberals tried and true we shall do our yell for you "nyyyaaaaahhhh!". Broken campaign promises galore, you really didn't think we'd pass gay marriage and other stuff did you? Suckers!

Liberal logic is easy to guess, take critical thinking, logic, reason, and common sense, and then do just the opposite of what those things say and you got liberal logic. Liberals think that the best way to fix the economy is to just keep spending more money. As if throwing money at anything ever fixed it. They bail out banks, car companies, Fanny May, Freddie Mack, CITI, Insurance Companies, and other stupid organizations that cannot figure out how a business plan works or have any idea how to make their organization earn a profit. Adam Smith says let them fail and let smarter organizations buy them out and run them better. That is because they have liberal morons running them in the first place. The smart organizations are run by moderates and libertarians who know how to lend money and how to save money and how to earn a profit and follow a business plan. Yeah I know Bush started the stimulus, but liberals could have voted it down in Congress and stopped it, but they didn't, instead they got pork (they call it bailout money and bailout projects but it is still useless pork) added to the stimulus bills. Oh by the way this isn't even close to the Keynesian economics that Liberals claim to follow, this is rich fare in its worse form! This is really supply-side economics! Where are the average citizen's bailout to save their house and car? Unemployment is 10% and rising, where are the jobs? Oh but we got hope and change, tomorrow things will get better, just you see. But every day it just keeps getting worse and worse. They think with emotions, and Albert Einstein said that the best way to solve big problems like that is to change your thinking to a higher level of thinking and better level of thinking that the one that got us into this mess in the first place. Uh uh, liberal logic is still being used.

Liberal bias in Education[edit]

Public Education and Colleges were invaded by Liberal Professors since the 1960's. It was originally a HIPPIE movement to teach love and kindness and understanding. But instead of brainwashes and indoctrinates our youth into the liberal logic and liberal way of thinking. Now good schools and colleges teach independent thought, critical thinking, logic, reason, philosophy from all sorts of places and lets the student pick and choose which one they want to follow. But not the liberal professor, he or she will teach Math or English and then change the subject to politics and the liberal way of thinking and living. They say question everyone, but if the student questions the liberal professor they get an "F" for the class. So students learn quick by example not to question their liberal professors. So you get liberal professors like Ward Churchill create works under fake names to make himself seem more legitimate and then plagiarizes the works of others, and like most liberals "blames the victims" calling the victims of 9/11 as Nazis because they worked in the World Trade Center and handled money, all the while ignoring Godwin's Law, and that most employees didn't handle money but did office work instead by filling out forms and screening applications to help out the poor nations afford food and other things for their citizens.

Liberals believe in stupid conspiracy theories[edit]

They think that 9/11 was an inside job so they fake shit and create bogus evidence to promote conspiracy theories like 9/11 WTC controlled explosion and the New World Order. But one has to be very stupid in order to believe such bullshit. George W. Bush and company weren't competent enough to pull off such a scheme, and Bush couldn't even make his baseball team the Texas Rangers profitable, a baseball team that couldn't even earn a profit, and we are to believe that this moron is the mastermind behind 9/11? Are we also to believe that this moron tricked all of congress into voting for the Iraqi war and that Iraq had WMDs? Come on Bush couldn't even do a card trick, much less pull off stuff like that. There is no New World Order, and if there was then their master plan is to get Europe and the Middle-East to hate the USA, get the USA caught up in economy draining wars, force banks to fail, ruin the economy, and in general fight with each other over control of the NWO management. But the NWO conspiracy says just the opposite, one world government, one world religion, one world currency, uh morons, none of that has happened or will happen because most of the people accused of being in the NWO are incompetent and most world leaders and banks are incompetent and supposed to be a part of the NWO. Now if you have a NWO conspiracy theory that says the NWO exists to fuck up the world beyond all repair, then that conspiracy theory I can believe.


  1. This is written in the style of Matt Stone's speech patterns.

See also[edit]