Why?:Why do Non-Conservatives Exist?
|
Why? This article is part of Uncyclopedia's Why? series. See more Why's? |
“Non-Conservatives exist because they drank Satan's Kool-Aid at those Communist meetings run by the Russians or Chinese.”
“More people need to make fun of liberals, they are anti-human, doing everything (abortion, infanticide, euthanasia, the great global warming hoax)”
“I hope he fails, Hell I hope they all fail!”
Some other Wiki we won't name once pondered the question "Why do Non-Conservatives Exist?" [1] Implying that in a perfect world, all people of every race and nation would be Conservative. That because of that there would be no war on terror or war on drugs and peace and happiness and everyone would be Christian and Rich and there would be no more hunger, poverty, homelessness, debt, disease, death, as Jesus would live among us and not have to die for our sins and then go away to another dimension.
Education[edit]
Non-Conservatives pride themselves on doing well in school with a Non-Conservative professor that indoctrinates them into something like Communism or Liberalism or reading a non-conservative newspaper, or books and can't accept that what they were taught was incorrect or biased. They are ignorant of the fact that only the Conservative version of facts and information and proof are correct, and everything else is false and a complete and total fabrication created by Non-Conservatives to indoctrinate the unwashed masses into the Non-Conservative lifestyle of Hippies, Communists, Liberals, Socialists, Atheists, Homosexuals and other third class citizens that bare no resemblance to the true human being of the Conservative.
We can totally imagine a "Non-Conservative" trying to read a medical journal while smoking a joint in order to reconcile knowledge with his dissonant cognitive ability. This indeed makes a lot of sense. Medical journals are just liberal propaganda. Double-blind testing? Statistics? Facts? Pah! All of the facts and evidence that we Conservatives need are found in one book, and one book only: the Holy Bible: Revised Neocon Edition. This is doubleplusungood and disagrees with BB's opinion which is the right one. The thought police will arrive soon
Mind-altering drugs and birth control and abortion[edit]
Use of mind-altering drugs, which encourages one to become a Non-Conservative to embrace the cognitive dissonance, or having the drugs dull mental acuity resulting in mindless conformity to the Non-Conservative lifestyle. Most of these drugs are illicit drugs, the sales of go to fund terrorists, gangsters, drug lords, South American and Central American dictators, and The Netherlands which has legalized some of the drugs, not to mention that Communist state of Canada with medical marijuana laws. The Non-Conservatives use these illicit drugs with the excuse that it cures glaucoma and/or is a painkiller and no legal painkiller works for them. But we all know that it is a big excuse of the Non-Conservatives to get high, and kill off more brain cells until their IQ drops to the score of potato-salad and then they have to live off the dole of socialist or communist programs (In the USA we call them Welfare and Social Security) for the rest of their lives and give them the free-time to protest our Conservative lifestyle and way of life, as well as write biased Wiki articles and blogs all over the Internet to promote the Non-Conservative Lifestyle. While we don't believe in Evolution, as people did not come from monkeys (Well maybe the Non-Conservatives resemble monkeys) and National Selection (Darwin was a Reincarnation of Adolph Hitler) we do believe that Non-Conservatives use illicit drugs as God's way of shortening their life spans.
We also believe that Non-Conservatives use birth control and abortion to avoid having children, which is why we Fundamentalist Christian Conservatives way outnumber them as each one of our families have almost 12 children each if not 24 (Like Octomom, only with a serious business career that pays a lot of money) while the Non-Conservatives live unmarried or childless or abort every time the woman gets pregnant or is a homosexual and cannot reproduce and has to be forced to adopt (But not if we all vote on Proposition 38 so Homosexual couples cannot adopt anymore) and that this is more of God's plan on getting rid of the Evil Non-Conservatives by shortening off their lifespans via illicit drug use that leads to cancer, suicide, overdose death, death in jail for being arrested, and using birth control and abortion to avoid having children or being homosexual and not being able to reproduce means that God intends one day for Conservatives to inherit the Earth after the Non-Conservatives all die off due to their own stupidity and ignorance.
Global Whining[edit]
Non-Conservatives say that the debate over Global Warming is over and that Al Gore is right and we Conservatives are wrong. Global Warming is just a bunch of big hot air created by Non-Conservatives because they are jealous of the fossil fuel megacorporations that make billions if not trillions of dollars a year, while Non-Conservatives like Al Gore only make millions a year by giving Non-Conservative speeches and making films and books on Global Warming. It is really all about global whining, Non-Conservatives are "brain damaged" from all of that illicit drug use and unprotected sex leading to STDs that make them crazy. At this very moment the US Federal Government is still spending money on global warming research. Billions of taxpayer dollars are being wasted to study cow farts and an invisible gas called carbon dioxide that nobody can see or detect and makes up less than 1% of the atmosphere of Earth. Now if Non-Conservatives are correct and the debate over global warming is over, why is the Federal government wasting billions to study global warming? Al Gore is either a fool or a maniac, polar bears don't drown, they know how to swim. A Conservative poll was taken and it was found that 86% of polar bears don't mind the warmer weather and even like walking on oil pipelines, the other 14% of polar bears were Non-Conservative and took too many bong hits and passed out before they could give us an answer.
Homosexuality[edit]
Non-Conservatives are often Homosexuals as well. R. Lee Ermey states that Homosexual Non-Conservatives are not true Americans and almost always don't join up with the Marines and do sissy stuff instead, and if he does find them joining the Marines he will give them a hard time until they quit or kill him with a rifle like Private Pyle did. The book of Romans in the Bible states that Homosexuality is a curse from God for rebelling against God as a child. That God is using Homosexuality to punish people with, much like the "Scarlet Letter" for adulteresses and other sins. God was quoted of saying "What part of 'Thou Shalt Not' didn'tst thou understand?" This was gleamed from Christian Fundamentalist Preachers who are Ultra-Conservatives.
A Scientific approach to Homosexuality says that they are born that way, and that their brain is wired to be attracted to the same sex. But Conservatives state that Gay Marriage is a special right that Non-Conservative Homosexuals want, but that they have a right to marriage like anyone else as long as it is marriage to the opposite sex. This was gleamed from Scientific Conservatives.
References[edit]
Truthful facts from web sites used in this WHY? article:
 This article is an increasingly hilarious attempt at Conservative humor. It woke up Zombie Reagan so he can run for a third term.
|
|
| Defend the sanctity of humor by passing a Constitutional Amendment that Bi-Partisanly Outlaws Liberal Whining. |
See also[edit]
| Featured Why? Article
|
Featured on the 12th of June 2010 |