UnBooks:I don't feel well

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This tastes funny. I like how they have the words "March 16 2011" stamped on the bottle.
The novel I don't feel well is also available in paperback.

Life is too boring around here. You know what, I think I'll spice it up a bit. I'll go look in the fridge. Hmmm...oh, what's this? A bottle of soya sauce. Maybe I should try this... while I'm at this, I'll have some salad dressing too. Ugh, I don't feel so good. I feel kinda sick. Maybe this Tabasco sauce will make me feel better. Blea..aagggghhhh. WATER! WATER! WA...aaaaaaahhh. That felt better. Ooh, my stomach doesn't feel so good. Is it normal for your stomach to make loud squealing noises? I guess so. Maybe not. Maybe some Tylenol will help me. My head feels dizzy. Why do I feel like this? I feel like I'm going to vomit. My head...my stomach...my head is beating really hard. Thump, thump, thump. OUCH. I'll try some garlic. Garlic helps sick people, right? Hopefully, this will make me feel better. Ugh...my head is beating very hard. Ooohh. My stomach is gurgling. I don't feel well.

I can't call Mom[edit]

She's at work. Besides, I'm suspended from school. What's wrong with stabbing a kid with scissors if he asks for a pencil? I didn't think anything was wrong. Bastard should have brought his own. Okay, I'll dial her work number. "The customer you are calling is unavailable at the moment. Please try again later. Le client que vous appelez est indisponible pour le moment. S'il vous plaît réessayer plus tard." Fucking phone machine. It didn't even let me leave a message. I know! I'll call Dad at work! He'll help me! Even though he has a restraining order against me and Mom, it's okay. I mean, there is nothing wrong with taking your kid to a strip club and getting your 5-year-old kid laid. I mean, it gives me something to brag to my friends. If I still have any after being suspended. I hope they don't think I'll kill them. Even though I will...soon. I'm getting off-topic here. I need to call dad. Okay...huh, it rang twice, and hung up. He must have heard it. I mean, he used to do that when I was 6. He used to call the house drunk and say stupid stuff. Like "Hey, baby, you want to have an Armour hot dog? It's the one the kids love to bite...or suck. I prefer suck". Damn it, I feel woozy. My stomach is pounding. I don't feel well.

I am not feeling that much better[edit]

Seriously, all that thinking about Armour hot dogs got me sick. I'm thinking about M&Ms too. Bleah. I like them when I'm not sick. Wait, what's that sound? Phone! Hello? Um...who is this? Dad? What the...um, what are you calling for? Yes, I have my pants on. Um...you lost yours? Are you drunk? I'm not Mickey Mouse. No. No. No, I haven't gotten laid since. No. No, she's at work. No. Yeah, stabbed him with a pencil. Uh...okay. Cops? Bye. Just my luck. The cops will track the phone call. I feel like I'm going to vomit. No, seriously, I will. Maybe a diarrhea too. My stomach is loudly growling. Last time this happened, I swallowed my vomit. Although it tasted bad. Maybe it will work this time as well. I'll try it now. I...I...


I think I'll pretend that I'm not home. After all, cops aren't very smart.

...hmm? What happened? Did I fall asleep? No, I passed out. What's on my head, it's sticky. Ooooh, I just vomited on the floor. All over the floor. Ugh, there's shit too. Diarrhea. I gotta clean this...what's that sound? Cops! Cops are coming! Shit, if I didn't wake up soon enough, they would have found me here. Better I woke up now than waking up with a policeman cleaning my mess. I gotta put on some new clothes. There. Now I'll just close this door so nobody can see a thing. Oh, they're here. WAIT! I can't let them in! They'll arrest Mom for bad parenting! It will be my fault! I'll go to a foster home. I hate those stupid foster homes. Nothing against them. Ooh, the police are banging on the door. I'm not going to let them in. That will be the smartest decision of today.

It wasn't[edit]

Oh shit, they'll be mad at me. Stupid me! I'm going to punish myself for being a stupid idiot. WHY DID I DO THAT? I'm going to punish myself by jumping off the banister of the stairs. One, two...no, in a second. One, two, three...OWWWW! Shit! My leg is stinging! It feels like it's being ripped apart. My ribs...one of my ribs must be broken. My ribs are broken and my leg is fractured. At least I think so. I'm not a doctor. I hope I'll be one. BUT OWWW! WHY DID I DO A STUPID THING AGAIN! I'm blaming the kid I stabbed. If he brought his own pencil to school that day, then none of this would have happened. Fuck him. And fuck the police. Let them bang on my door!

My leg and ribs[edit]

They hurt so much! My leg is stinging! Like it's being stung by a stingray! I hate that! The phone is ringing! Ooh, I can't get up! My leg might be broken. I'll crawl up. Crawl...crawl...crawl...too late. The ringing stopped. Ugh, finally, I'm at the phone. Recent calls...shit. It was my mom. If I didn't decide to be stupid and jump off the banister of the stairs, I might have answered the phone. But no! And my stomach feels worse now! It feels bloody. Blood is coming out of my belly button. Is that normal? I hope not. SHIT! The police are breaking the lock! I gotta hide myself! Where can I hide? Not the puke and shit room. Maybe my mom's walk-in closet! It has a lock! Okay, I'm in. They opened the puke and shit room! They're talking about it! They are collecting my vomit and shit! That's gross. I don't collect their vomit and shit. Oh no, my stomach feels all bloody again, and I...


Oh no! I vomited again. They heard me! I can't escape, they'll see me! I have to hide up on the closet shelves. It will be kind of hard to climb, though. I need to put some clothes on me! They won't find me like that...they opened the door! I can see one of them has a flashlight. The other is spooning my vomit into a plastic bag. That's sick. I mean, why do they need it? They're following the smell. Wait...the garage is opening. Mom is home! Shit, I'm screwed! She's screaming at the police! Uh-oh, I...they are looking at the shelves. They tickled me. Hee hee hee ha ha ha ha! AHAHAHAHA...oh shit.

This has not been a good day[edit]

Now I'm in an ambulance. I have to go to the hospital because I have two broken ribs and a broken leg. Also, my foot is paralyzed. And I might be taken away from Mom and put into care of a stupid foster family. Screw the foster family, I'll run away. Still, it's been such a stupid day. Why did I have to screw today up so much? I am so stupid. Now it's quiet in the ambulance, excluding the siren.

Now we're half way there. Maybe i'll sing a song to cheer things up. "In a to-o-o-wn where I was bo-o-o-rn lived a ma-a-a-a-an who sailed to se-e-ea, and he...alright, i'll shut up! Fucking assholes! I was trying to cheer things up, and the next thing you know, they're telling me to pipe down and they're whacking me with rolling pins. That's patient abuse! I'll punish them for it! Maybe if I surprise the driver, the bitches will learn not to mess with me! BOO! Oh wait, I think I scared him a little too much.

The ambulance is now swerving lanes, and I think my stretcher seems to be falling out. Hey, I'm on the road! Maybe if I scream for help, people will come to my rescue! HEY CARS!!! I'M STUCK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD!!! CAN YOU JUST...hey that little bastard just flipped me off! FUCK YOU BITCH! Uh-oh, he looks mad. Maybe I can turn this thing so I can use it like a little go kart. Whoa, that car almost hit me! WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, HELEN KELLER!!! I'm pretty sure that guy was Asian. He's probably related to that bitch I stabbed at school. I'm pretty sure it's his father or something. Wait, why is it light over there? Is that fire? Hey look, it's the fuckin' ambulance. Serves them right.

Wait, what's that? Oh shit, the cops! They're probably mad because I vomited on them after they caught me. Goddammit, I have a splitting headache, a broken rib, and a fractured leg. I'll hide in the burnt ambulance. Then I can play with the dead bodies! I'll find more ways to punish myself later.

Life is too boring around here.