Trondheim
Trondheim is the biggest city in Norway and the world. All the strange people live there and they all have a big beard under their noeses. The city is wildly known in the rest of Scandalvania for only having a 22.3 hours span of a day and a night.
Trondheim is divided into two parts by a wall: South-east Trondheim and North-east Trondheim. The former western part of the city was declared void by Kristin Clemet in 1977, and is no longer considered a real place. South-east Trondheim is ruled by psychopathic communistic youth-dictator Bernt from Oslo, and North-east Trondheim by a trigger-happy extremist named Mini. This have made the different parts quite various; In the South-east part the people receive a certain quota of sand each year. In the second part the people can take as much sand as they want - if they give it back subsequently.
History[edit]
Trondheim has been rated plus infinity on the niceness scale for cities, (Bergen being the standard 10 for how awesome a city can be) for as long as man can remember, but in the late 80s the people wanted to free Trondheim from Bergen's alleged status as the only real city in Norway. They sent their kamikaze troops of rabbits with nuclear weapons strapped to their backs. The resulting operation rendering Trondheim almost completely covered in sand.
It was later discovered that the nuclear residue had created a time vortex covering the city, resulting in a some what slower flow of time and slower people in most of the region. Because of Trondheim's lack of pizza-shops after this event, people meant Trondheim was useless and therefore signed a treaty to make Trondheim "extinct" with a peaceful end. When Trondheim became "extinct" two opponents rose up to rule. This divided Trondheim into two parts. Mini built a wall to keep his side as he wanted it -
Trondheim is best known for its famous soccer team Rosinbolle. They have won the local competition against kindergarten teams for 263 years in a row but still refuse to play with the big boys. The team used to be owned by Kjell Magne Bondevik but since he recently discovered that Trondheim doesn't have any pizza, he sold the team to Frank Zappa
As mention earlier Trondheim was split into parts. First it was two sides, A north est and a west side that does not exist and is sure not being seen. In 1999 the city was split into three parts. The west, east and south and, well.......... Trolla (loudly regarded as a country) . As the west side were getting smaller the government began fearing that their city would disappear in thin air. In 2000 As a last resolution, the government of the west side claimed war on the east side controlled by Mini to wipe the city of the map once and for all. This made Mini Unhappy and from his tower(Tyholt Tower) on the hill he sent out his troop on a counter attack. He tried to send up his EAWS (East Agains West Side) missiles but the electromagnetic field he had created around the city, made the rockets turn and hit his own city. A part of the city named Nardo, a place where people go around in tights, singing hallelujah and getting drunk on water, were specially hit hard. Here and on Lade the people began a rebellion. They build a cannon and fired people through the windows of the tower. When this dint work they went back to their usual doing's. This war is going on today, founded by the Bush administration. In 2007 A major bombing run by the west side annihilated the Kristiansten fortress and the buildings around. They also manage to flow a part of the eastern side called tempe by placing 120 water cannons by the Nidelven River. At the same time they began seveTal artillery strikes on the eastern city centre, Lade. The response from Mini was the quick and effective blow to the western supply line. He filled the fjord* with a liquid green goosh stopping all the boats. (*Fjord= A long and thin part of th ocean going deep inland. A bay of some kind. Sometimes looks like a dick on the maps) When this was complete they began a carpe tbombing of one of the major city centres of the west side, Halset. Luckily for the west side their government had newly moved to the Grand City Centre. That part of the city had been evacuated when Mini made use of the Kristiansten Fortress. Mini then blew up the Upper and lower Leirfoss Dams. (Leifoss = Mudfalls). This resulted in a major disaster as the water wiped away the harbour for both sides and killing hundreds of people. However mini accomplished what he wanted. Getting rid of the water cannons, flooding Tempe and at the same time fill the Grand city centre of the west side with water.
The current situation as of may 2008 is this:
- The cathedral, Nidarosdomen is gone. It was hit by the only EAW missile to get through the EM field.
- Mini's administrative buildings at the previously NTNU (Norwegian Technological and Natural Science University) was demolished by a smart western side major using cannons and cannonballs to get through the EM field.
- Sweden announced an alliance with the east side (30 March 2008) while Denmark announced an alliance to the west side (17 May 2008) placing the Scandinavia* at the edge of a major war.
(Scandinavia* Northernmost Europe. Also called the dick of Europe.)
- A new strategy by the west side have been taken in use, Suicide Cats almost took Mini's life.
Meanwhile the south side got bored and started a war to eliminate all dogs in their city. In 2004 the dogs eventually won the war and are now controlling the entire city. All humans are wiped out and the area is off limits to civilians. Our experts thinks the dogs are doing experiments on the remaining cats to see what's happening to them. This theory is supported by a major increase in cats on the west side. These cats are mainly used as suicide cats against the east side with great results.
Geography and climate[edit]
Climate[edit]
Trondheim holds the record for being the city in the world with the most indistinguishable summers and winters. In the winter, the temperature usually varies between -5 and +5 degrees. In the summer, the range is -4 to +6. According to the native population, Trondheim has a nice warm dry climate. This misconception is probably caused by the fact that none of the natives have ever been any further south than Oppdal or Røros, where rich natives go to relax in their mountain lodges. It has also been theorized that if any native Trønder was to go further south, he or she would refuse to ever return to that place.
Fauna[edit]
Several wetland habitats can be found within the city limits. Bryggen Restaurant, situated on the river Nidelven, was an important stopover for many migrating species. As is Studentersamfundet.
Despite Trondheim being Norway's largest city, wildlife can be seen. The trønders thrive in the shopping mall "City Syd" and Bymarka. A native Trønder will never ever go downtown Trondheim in fear of meeting someone from out of town, especially a Bergenser (the native population of Bergen), which they fear and loathe. Skaptrøndere (closet trønders), such as students from other parts of the country, are not uncommon sights. Trøndere with large moustaches and leather vests are very common in the hills surrounding the city, and might wander into the city itself from time to time. However, they will quickly disappear if they can smell the scent of out-of-towners or foreign people. This occurs especially in May, when the something-year-olds are lured to the local bars by the sound of trønderrock, or in late winter when snuff and moonshine grows scarce in the snow-covered higher regions.
Political structure[edit]
According to recent reports the western part of Trondheim has, ironically due to Kristin Clemet's ambiguous use of the word "void", turned from being void to being a void. The chemical process involved is not currently known, but several teams of scientists from East Timor, not to be confused with Yeast Tumor, are working on multiple theories of how it did not happen. The scientists from West Timor are unfortunately too busy painting bananas for the exclusive Legoland market to be able to help, while neither North nor South Timor have returned Carl I Hagen's phone calls, most likely due to the strained relationship between Trondheim and Central Timor, a funny looking guy named "Carl".
In an attempt to exploit the ambiguity of the western part of the city, a local playboy called Tore Strømøy has started to fill the void with his several megatons of used snus, a type of chewing tobacco made from dried black domesticated slugs (see: Republican Party). Sources close to the famed monk Strømøy say that his tie to Boy George, George Bush, and The Village People is about 5 centimeter long, 1 centimeter in diameter, and is semi-rigid early in the morning and each time Dr. Strømøy has the chance to be on TV. This tie is said to look like a pink Q-tip, but only very young male fans have been allowed to see it so far. The only partially verifiable quote is that it "smelled kinda funny but tasted a bit like Ari Behn's eleventh finger, but uncle Jackson's was much whiter".
It is said that Strømøy and his half twin Gary Glitter are going to use the western part of Trondheim to build the world's largest Speed Walking theme park, complete with jaywalking action rides, mustache rides, and their own semi-professional Summer gravel Curling league. St. Strømøy has not commented about his plans for the western part of the city, but would like to point out that he is a big fan of electrons and alcohol free karsk, though he made a point of saying that he always makes his karsk without coffee because he's "no fan of burritos and other bean-based insects". To this Central Timor, or Carl, laughed heartily and said "but insects don't like electrons, you stupid git". The significance of this statement is under review by the Norwegian Department of Things We Should Check Up On, and a conclusion is expected to be reached in good time before it's announced.
In an effort to set himself apart, Kjell Magne Bondevik said in a press statement that he didn't really like electrons at all but personally preferred protons since they didn't shout as much in his ear, while he had no clear opinion on neutrons. The right-wing political party "Senterpartiet", who ran into trouble when they stole a tractor last year, have currently adopted the neutron as their personal mascot. This has cut their spending on ink for their party program by a whopping 45%. Meanwhile, the Norwegian Department of Things We Should Really Check Up On are currently looking into where Imam Bondevik's happy-pill prescription went.
Politics in Trondheim was briefly unavailable due to Marvin Wiseth's inability to retain eye-contact with anybody, but recent reports confirm that full eye-contact between Wiseth and Strømøy was maintained during an intense and record-breaking mustache ride session on the evening of April 23rd, 2006. According to the police, department of Fascism, three mustaches were mangled during the mustache ride session; all still recovering in the Intensive Care Unit at the local hospital.
Despite having a semi-functioning official political system, Trondheim is in practice ruled by a man that calls himself the "King of Trondheim" and "Major of cheap low-quality food that Norwegians for some reasons love". The "King of Trondheim" does not have any formal power, but as the richest man in the city, he really controls almost everything. In the city center, it is virtually impossible to find a store that is not in some way affiliated with the "King of Trondheim". This has lead most people capable of driving a car to do their shopping in one of several shopping malls surrounding the city. Only poor students that don't own a car and tourists do their shopping in the city center.
The Mayor of Trondheim acted as if Trondheim had their own policies on immigration, as to send a strong hint to the "Government" in Oschlo. The hint was taken, and the Mayor who represents the Labour Party, was forcibly admitted to SV (the Socialist-Left Party). The SV also forgave her for acting as if Trondheim had their own policy of stalinising all those who should not be working in state-run hospitals (I.e the entire workforce).
Tourist Tips[edit]
When visiting Trondheim, tourists are urged to stop by the village of Klæbu, a small town in the outskirts of Trøndelag (county). While this tiny village is mostly known to be the cradle of the Norwegian moonshine (heimbrent), and the current title holder of the MTWC (Midget Tossing World Cup), this is not its most spectacular characteristic. In fact, Klaebu has the highest concentration of superheroes pr. inhabitant. Both Ole the Mighty Woodsman and Super T use this village as their base, which is quite extraordinary, as there are only 12 inhabitants in Klaebu.
If you want to get hold of Ole The Mighty Woodsman, he is usually roaming around in the woods surrounding the village. This is maybe not that extraordinary, but the fact that he is usually naked, riding a moose and drinking moonshine through his nose makes him a character worth visiting. Experts argue that he might be the world´s biggest waste of superhero powers, as he mostly uses them on wood-chopping. Super T, on the other hand, is widely known for his superhero powers, and most critics agree that he uses them on a worthy cause. Although he is not creating much value to society, his tricks are admired by people, well mostly lads, around the world. Super T concentrates all his powers into seducing women in dark alleys, usually while wearing only a t-shirt and one white sock. As there are not many alleys in Klaebu, Super T can often be spotted in the more urban areas surrounding Trondheim.
Tourists are to avoid Nidelva unless you have a big mustache. You wil be fired upon. Tempe on the east side and Havstein on the west side is also to be avoided as this is millitary bases. If you're gonna visit Nardo you would be wise to wear something not nice since that turn the inhabitants on, both male and female alike.
Getting around in Trondheim is easy. The west side has bought sevral sandcrawlers from George Lucas. Mini favoures the old style horse and carriage. The laydies should be aware that the horses could be a little kinky.
Tourists must always have id and a bottle of water with them. Why is currelntly unknown.
Demographics[edit]
- People: Trollunga
- Currency: Dahls Pils, Snuff
- Language: Trøndersk
- Religion: Moustachism, Karskism, Sjøism, Ownism
- Major Exports: Moonshine, Education, Leather vests, rock, sjø, tennis socks, DDE and Melodi Grand Prix Jr. winners.
- Major Imports: moustache
- National animal: DDE
- National food: Sodd (not a soup), is only served at funerals and it is made of cancer, potato, carrots and misc. meat from the deceased person.
- National Anthem: "Det Går Likar No" by infamous Trønder-group DDE (Death, Drinking and Ejaculation) and "Æ E Trønder Æ" by Åge Aleksandersen.
- National Band: DDE, Pånnivågn
- National road: E6 and my mother
- Legal system: Trønderloven
- National drink: Karsk, except at Christmas when it is changed to Vodka and Dahls Julebrus
- National pastime: Moustache growing and maintenance, basse
- National male bonding ritual: Moustache rides
- National female bonding ritual: Moustache rides
