The Art of Programming

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“Hello World!”

~ Programmer on anything

“My grandson is a programmer. I just wish he could get the Jerry Springer Show to come on earlier”

~ Grandma

Programming is the art of ordering computers around.

While newbie programmers (also referred to as script kiddies) often think programming is all about printing "Hello World!" to the screen, or making a tic-tac-toe game using redundant and useless programming languages, expert programmers (also referred to as real programmers) know it is actually about convincing the computers they should do what you ask them to, using social engineering. The resulting program is known as, "Goodbye World!"

The art of programming[edit]

The standard spaghetti model of programming: It is preferred by software contractors to other models as it simplifies multi-million dollar schemes into a simple uni-directional process. “Like spaghetti,” observes Professor Ritelli of the Spaghetti Software centre in Rome.

There are many ways to outwit the computer into doing what you want it to. One way, very popular among Perl and Lisp programmers, is to confuse it by writing code using random characters used in language's syntax. In lisp's case, it involves many brackets (( and )) in random order. In Perl's case, it means any ASCII or Unicode character. A more subtle approach is taken by C++ programmers, who will excessively point at the computer's data and laugh, or make snide references to it, in order to degrade the computer's self-esteem and hence make it more pliable. From there, the road is quite short. A much more aggressive approach is taken by Python programmers, who will slowly strangle the computer with their bare hands until it agrees to do its master's bidding. (Previously, actual pythons were used in the suffocation process, but it was found that they impeded programmer satisfaction and are now deprecated.)

Broadly speaking, there are two major branches of programming: "functional programming" and object-oriented, or "non-functional programming." Generally, functional programming is used by software engineers to write short, effective programs for internal use, whereas non-functional programming is used for large projects involving a non-technical end user. Examples of functional programming include common Unix commands like grep and wgetporn, whereas non-functional programs include Microsoft Windows and the software suite Easy Porn Viewer. Object-oriented processes are preferred in the latter case, because they "hide" data from the interface and force users to learn something about computers in order to find it.

By the way, in the picture on the right you can see "macaroni", not "spaghetti".


The Art of Programming is adapted from Sun-Tzu's Art of War, a Wonder in Civilization III. A poor newbie, after repeatedly failing to grasp the concept of the book, was told to get out of his NUS Low School of War and Battles. He obeyed, much to others' shock and horror.

Women and programming[edit]

It is often noted by studies that women can't program (The official phrase is "G4lz R sux0rs @ c0d1ng!"). This fact is very surprising, considering how well women seem to program men. Several solutions to this paradox have been proposed:

  • Computers are not influenced by vaginas
  • Computers aren't affected by how much you bitch
  • Computers will not buy you make-up
  • Computers don't care about Cosmo
  • Computers outsmart you, try something else

History of programming languages[edit]

The first computer was invented in 1833 by Lord Clifford of Richard, who won the plans in a wager with the recently dead Prince Albert. Standing at more than 50 feet in height, it was constructed for the princely sum of eleven guineas by shipyard engineers in Glasgow and wasn't completed until 1943, making it the second longest-running IT project after Windows Vista.

Although computers were primarily invented in the English-speaking sphere of the world, the commie spies of the '50es quickly gained knowledge about them, and they immediately started using them for their own needs. In the period of 1955-1960 the 3rd five year plan computerized every home in the USSR. This lead to an incredible upsurge in technology in science all over the commie block. By 1962 the Internyet was connecting the proletariate in ways never thought possible before. By 1963 the commies won the cold war, and took over the world.

Unfortunately, each computer used an enormous amount of power equal to 1/4 of a hydro-electric plant. So after they took over, they weren't able to keep the system together, and the Internyet fell apart into smaller systems called LANs. These isolated little communities wanted to escape the eye sight of the Party, and they invented their own secret little languages. The most popular of these were MODULA-3, ADA and PL/2. Although billions of people used these programming languages, they were all wiped out in the great power shortage of 1970. Since commie computers did not have hard drives yet, the entire source code of all these compilers were lost to humanity. Since then, the commies are not in power any more (except in the southern parts of Alberta, next to the swamps).

Usual programming languages[edit]

The following program is in C language:

#include <sex.h>

sex gal(tit a, arse b) {
    clit("Hello world!");

#include <sex.h>: This part says the compiler (a nasty program trying to understand the code you've written) that he should include a hex (aka sex) file at the beginning of the program. Don't worry about it, we'll explain it later.

sex gal(tit a, ass b) A very important thing in C programming is the Data Type, which should always be the one defined with the #include directive. "sex" is the data type for the function gal, which as you can see does include some parameters. A "gal" function always returns a "sex" data type. The ( and ) parentheses are used to put parameters between them. Now let's take a look to the "a" and "b" variables, which are of type "tit" and respectively "ass". Those two types are very important in C, they help the compiler understanding what he deals with.

clit("Hello world!"); This is the C's output function. The output function can have much more parameters, like %legs or %hh (the hh stands for high-heels, an output format that should never be confused with the meaning in usual language). For example, taking a look at the "clit" function makes us think if "sex" and "clit" are connected. And the answer is definitely yes. Much many programmers are using this two functions in the same context to obtain a special programming procedure. When this code is executed, you will probably see on the screen the "Hello world!" text (depends on which compiler you use for compiling the code).

return; Returns something which is nothing.

The { and } accolades are used for any compound statement, in this case, they serve the function sex.

Notes: This the easiest program for a beginner.

Thoreau and the New BASIC[edit]

Programming changed when Thoreau retreated to Walden Pond. Suddenly verbosity was "in standard mode" and all forms of programmers began attempting to Talk the CPU into submission. This usually required a great deal of wasted syntax and gross verbiage, but at times the end results were worth the efforts:


20 GOTO 10

While this would have made Charles Babbage shut his eyes in terror; and indeed upon seeing the new BASIC syntax it is a well known fact that Lady Ada Byron Lovelace swooned for three days. It can be argued that the New BASIC syntax had come to root in the American Culture. It was popular among those aspiring to the Political Office who had large vocabularies to adrift and programs in the New BASIC, while correspondingly bloated by redolent verbosity, did work and were quite easy to direct, dissect, and even understand.

It was not until the rise of E. E. Cummings and the new Beat Poets that the New BASIC became obfuscated into a miasma called "Spaghetti code" this led to the horrors of .NET and that began the world on the programming path to social ruin.

Worldwide programmer shortage[edit]

When shampoo was invented in 1921, the normal peoples of the world discovered that all the programmers were nowhere to be found. It was later discovered that they were still in the shower, stuck in the infinite loop written on the shampoo bottle: "Lather. Rinse. Repeat." Efforts were made to end the shampoo.exe process, however the manufacturers of Pantine shampoo (that is, Sony Corporation) placed protection on the process in order to prevent this from happening. Some even tried to attach a debugger to the process to insert a break in the loop, again to no avail as the shampoo was coded in COBOL which nobody knows anymore.

The predicament ended several days later when the shampoo.exe process ended after running out of shampoo. Bottles of shampoo now come with the new instructions written in C++ (instructions are also available to the slaves of .NET, who program in C#):

#include <wilde>
#include "shampoo.h"
#include "shower.h"
#include "towel.h"

using namespace non_std;

int main(int argc, char* argv[]) {
    User u; = argv;
    Shower s;
    Shampoo o;
    Towel t;
    s << u;
    for(int i = 0; i < 2; ++i) {
    s.taps = off;
    return EXIT_WASHED;


The world once again resumed normally, knowing that its programmers could continue to write buggy software, blaming users for the problems.

See also[edit]