Swert

Loitering Russians are a major cause of swerting incidents, as are bad photoshops.

Swerting is the act of throwing yourself against a tank full of Russians, removing your liver, and stapling it to someone's genitals. To swert on someone is considered a capital offense in many countries. Controversially, swerting has been used as a method of slowing the actions of suspected terrorists since, well, having a liver stapled to your privates is pretty painful.

Swerting Laws in the U.S.

The United States has left swerting laws up to the individual states. Since Russians are banned in the United States, swerting is usually kept at a minimum, thus few laws have been made in response to it.

In 2008, Florida, pressured by the public to put a stop to "regional swerting" (often using cows instead of Russians), after scientific research suggested that swerting more than twice a day can cause severe liver damage, passed a law stating that swerting was banned in public schools and on highways, with exceptions to when said swerting acts were really, really funny.

Swerting Laws in Mexico

Mexico is known to have a notorious anti-swerting law: if you swert and are caught, you will be killed at the hands of the government and/or vigilante groups and/or Shakira. Those who attempt swerting but fail will be sentenced to thirty years in prison and/or a bribe.

Swerting Laws in Massachusetts

Since Massachusetts never follows what the rest of the U.S. does (along with that damned California), it has specifically made it a local government focus not to limit swerting. Many believe swerting acts to be perfectly natural, and believe that the desire to swert is not a choice. Thus, swerting is perfectly legal in Massachusetts. Russians, however, still aren't.

Swerting Laws in Russia

Russia has a notorious swerting problem due to the large number of Russians living there. All Russians who choose to travel downtown by tank are warned to watch for rogue swerting groups, and to brace themselves if they are in fact part of a swerting act. There are clinics in Russia that specialize in removing stapled livers from those affected.

Swerting Laws on The Moon

Since nobody has taken either a tank or genitals to the Moon since June 15, 1956 (part of the Russian Liverstapling fad that lasted much of that decade), swerting is uncommon on the Moon. However, this has led to some of the laxest swerting laws on the planet, because the Moon is not part of the planet. If anyone were to take a tank of Russians, a liver, and genitals to the moon, they would find their swerting to be quite unhindered, and even aided by the Moon's ample supply of staplers.

Special Laws About Swerting

Studies show that Kirsten Dunst is 57% more likely to be the victim of a swerting incident than anyone else. Because of this, she has been personally advised to wear plate armor and to carry bears in her purse when outside walking.

Swerting as Portrayed in the Media

Swerting as portrayed in the media is usually a taboo. The FCC commonly censors any swerting acts - even on the news. Usually, language that references swerting will cause soccer moms to riot outside of television studios.

In season four of her popular 90s cooking show, This Is What It's Like To Be A Maggot Farmer, Ellen DeGeneres famously swerted someone, causing her show to be pulled from the air. Later, in 3452 A.D., Ellen got revenge by destroying Alpha Centauri and then blaming the destruction on the Jews. By 3452, Jews are expected to be extinct anyways.

Fox News does not even report swerting. Instead, the network turns its attention to reminding people just how wonderful it is to be a supporter of possum-flipping living in Middle America.

New York is generally portrayed as being a place where swerting is at an all-time high. This is not true. However, in the city, being high is at an all time low. This is true.

In the movie Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, the main character swerted his own grandmother. He also sodomized her with a clock. This swerting, however, was so hilarious that they permitted it be shown uncensored. However, it should be known that stunt-Russians were used for the scene, which could have contributed to its acceptance.

Thailand is the only country where one can be sentenced to death by horrible music after committing a swerting act. Those who are repeat offenders will soon be undead. And so on and so forth.

While we're still talking about that, Walter Cronkite was recently pronounced undead. Just a heads up.