Speed walking

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Speed walking is a sport where competitors must see how quickly they can do something slowly. This is not to be confused with seeing how slowly you can do something quickly as this would mean it was not an actual race.


The sport of speed walking is thought to have evolved from the meditation process of "walking like an Egyptian". Egyptians were required to move at a fast pace as the sandy ground was hot on their feet. Speed walking is believed to have became an official sport many, many, many, many, many, many, many years ago. It came as a result of Egyptian men wanting to prove their manhood by endeavouring across scalding sands at a slightly quickened pace. I lost the game.


Many Egyptians still prefer to walk bare foot on hot sandy plains but the game has adapted slightly, leading to competitors often "race-walking" across bitumen or tarmac runways. The game has slowly evolved into other sports such as hot coal walking, smash ball and badminton.

Rules of the race[edit]

  1. Competitors may not wear shoes or socks.
  2. Competitors gain bonus points or "race credits" which can be spent at the gift shop at the end of the race if they are judged to be "walking like an Egyptian".
  3. If walkers appear to be trying too hard, they are shown a red card and are talked to in a stern voice in an attempt to break their hopes.
    The red card may sometimes be punishable by death.
  4. The winner is decided on average speed, looks, potential and several other astrophysical calculations.
  5. In most speed walking competitions, Chuck Norris is nowhere to be seen (unless he happens to be visible at the competition, then he is most definitely there, and not a sub-spacial being.).