Rocky Marciano
“I can think of such better uses for the fists of those rugged pugilists.”
“Forgeddeybowdit.”
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Rocky Marciano (September 1, 1923 – August 31, 1969) was, at various times, a part-time pimp, a cowardly soldier, a highly unsuccessful male-model, a fervent gay rights campaigner and a professional boxer. While he excelled at the latter, retiring with one of boxing's best career records, he is best remembered for his writings on Midwestern cloud formations.
Marciano died in a plane crash over Iowa. It is rumored that the pilot's visibility was impaired by a fabulous cumulonimbus Marciano had insisted on photographing.
Kid Marciano[edit]
Marciano was born to Italian immigrants in Brockton, Massachusetts. He had three sisters and two brothers. His aptitude for fighting showed at an early age. He regularly beat all five of them shitless for their milk at just six months old.
On his first day at school, at the tender age of five, an eleven year old kid demanded Marciano's lunch money. Marciano beat him shitless.
He was jumped by two fourteen year olds when he was seven. He beat them both shitless.
A gang of five skin-head bikers surrounded him menacingly at age twelve. He beat one shitless. He beat two shitless. The third? He lost all his shit. The fourth ran. Marciano chased...and beat him shitless. The fifth ran the other way. Marciano shrugged and went home to beat his brother shitless. And all his sisters.
Pimp Marciano[edit]
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Aged 18, Marciano's mother (about the only person who hadn't yet been beaten shitless by him) asked young Rocky to become pimp for his three sisters, so they could pay their keep. None of the three were the marrying type, being pig-ugly and lazy, and Marciano immediately realised that the very thing that meant they HAD to go whoring would stop them being good at it. He did the only thing he could: you can't fix ugly but you can fix lazy. Marciano beat his sisters shitless every day, as well as verbally breaking them down until, from his diary, "they considered themselves worthless, unloveable, useless sacks of dog-shit. Calling them that to their faces whilst punching their kidneys helps to hammer it home.". He had, unwittingly, found a way to create crack whores without crack, and when even the ugliest, dumbest one was turning five tricks an hour, other pimps started "loaning" Marciano their whores to "train". By the time he was 20, Marciano had a stable of fourteen whores, ten of which he owned outright, none of which contained any shit.
Private Marciano[edit]
In 1943, Marciano was drafted into the US Army to participate in the merry party that was World War 2, bringing his pimping operation to an abrupt end. Private Marciano completed his basic training in three days, by leaping on his sergeant major during parade and beating him shitless and only promising to stop if he was, indeed, allowed to pass in three days. This remains a US Army training record.
Despite his aptitude for fighting, Marciano spent the war based in Wales, ferrying supplies back and forth to France. One of his colleagues of Canadian heritage suggested that they should do as the locals and fuck some sheep. A disgusted Marciano beat him shitless.
Becoming Rocky Marciano[edit]
When Marciano returned from Europe after the war, he briefly considered returning to the world of pimping, but then decided to become a male underwear model instead. He got the job by beating the other models shitless, then threatening more of the same for the photographer.
Marciano did not go down well with the Y-Front lovers of the age, and the company went bankrupt. Marciano got rather angry, and decided to beat everyone he knew (apart from his mother) shitless. During one of these beatings, he was spotted by boxing coach Al Weill, who egged him on to beat more shit out of his victim. When Marciano had battered the young kid to unconsciousness, Weill recommended that Marciano take up boxing. Marciano punched Weill three times, but managed to hold back long enough from beating him shitless to accept his offer.
Being Rocky Marcino[edit]
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Rocky Marciano achieved between 1947 and 1956 a perfect record of 49-0 as a professional boxer. Considering rematches, that means 46 men had the holy shit beaten out of them.
In one of his 1950 fights, his outmatched opponent Bill Wilson was a 190,000,000 to 1 outsider with bookmakers, the longest odds in sports betting history. Wilson was knocked out in one round, suffering a fractured skull in the process, one of the luckier of Marciano's victims.
Outside of the ring, Marciano was a gay right's campaigner. His activities ranged from beating "queer-bashers" shitless, beating right-wing politicians shitless and beating anyone shitless who didn't dance to the gay-boy tune.
“Dance to the Gay-Boy tune.”
“Dance to the Gay-Boy tune.”
“Dance bitches, dance to the Gay-Boy tune.”
However, sources speculate that Marciano was merely using this as a facade to cover his own sexual fetish, namely Nostril Sex.
The Death Of Marciano[edit]
During his later years, Marciano had become fascinated with clouds and their shapes. This regrettably led to his death in 1969, when he instructed the pilot of his private plane to veer off-route so he could take some photographs of a large penis-shaped cloud over Des Moines, Iowa. This led to the plane running out of fuel and crashing into a tree 2 miles short of its runway.
A conflicting rumour is sometimes muted, that Marciano couldn't resist beating the pilot shitless, even if it cost him his life.
Legacy[edit]
Chuck Norris is loosely based on Rocky Marciano. On the other hand, the similarly named Sylvester Stallone movie and its interminable sequels have nothing to do with Rocky Marciano. In fact, they were inspired by Rocket J. Squirrel and only were box-office successes because audiences hoped to get a glimpse of long-time sidekick Bullwinkle.