Rastadon

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Rastodon
Mamut rastadonis
A Rastadon in the wild
Discovery
Date February 3, 2007
Discovered by: Dr. Professor Ima Walrus, Ph.D. in Zoology at Gotham University
b/w Tom Freebird, B.A. in Sociology, minor in Taylor Swift at Michigan Tech.
Location 50 miles north of Rastos, Nebraska
Population
Complete skeletons found to date 1, in use
Attributes
Kingdom Animal
Phylum Mammal
Turn-ons Pistachio ice cream, herbal medicine, large hollow plastic figurines with pipes sticking out of them, snack foods
Turn-offs Tobacco cigarettes, uniforms, sirens, corporate life

The Rastadon is a mammalian species often confused with the more common Mastodon. The Rastadon was more intelligent, had a more complex social structure, and showed many other attributes usually associated with humanity, such as their own religion and communual smoking. The species now has only one living member and will go extinct when he rolls up his last reefer.

Physical appearance[edit]

Rastadons look strikingly similar to Mastodons, so it is no surprise that the former is often mistakenly referred to as the latter. However, there are some key differences that will enable anyone to immediately tell the difference between the two. The largest and most noticeable difference is a large, colorful growth rooted to the top of the Rastadon's head. This portion of the anatomy is referred to as the Rastos Hattorus. Also growing out of the head, just beneath the Rastos Hattorus, are many long, black, tendril-like growths, individually referred to as Rastos Lockus, though collectively, they are commonly known as rasto-locks.

Behavior[edit]

The Rastadon has evolved to the point of making medicinal herbs part of its daily life. It uses these herbs to alleviate pain, discomfort, and awkwardness; also to kill time, get a good buzz, and goose the Muse for that future album. Found near the Rastadon specimen was a primitive tube-like structure likely used to dessicate the herbs and purify the resulting odors, which the Rastadon uses in an ancient type of aromatherapy.

Outlook[edit]

Rastadons are enthusiastic drivers but crash a lot.

The Rastadon was long thought to be completely extinct. However, researchers recently discovered a single living member of this majestic, rare species. Oddly, this Rastadon is known not as 'Don' but as 'Bob'.

As Bob is the last living specimen of Rastadon, the Scientific Community is adamant to save at least part of his gene pool — perhaps by cloning, or cross-breeding him with an elephant. However, the latter option, though easier to execute, might dilute the Rastadon's genes and lose the 'essence' of the species; for Bob, a case of No Cloning, No Cry.

Bob is currently in the custody of a private investigation firm, Blogosphere International, which keeps him in isolation to prevent sabotage. The company's website has not released any details on the Rastadon's current condition, and has not yet responded to questions, despite being repeatedly pestered via email. In response to the constant harassment, the company has filed a lawsuit on the author of this here article, who would very much like your support by please donating to his PayPal account. No? Worth a shot.