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The Pistachio Nut

A little known fact about the Pistachio nut is that it actually produces its own salt. This is done through the process of saltification, where a small gland at the top of the nut has the ability to saltify the rest of the nut. The salt is absorbed through natural salt in the ground, then processed by the salt-gland into pistachio-salt. This pistachio-salt is in many Asian countries considered to be a delicacy, and many Asian farmers harvest the nuts and scrape off the salt in order to export it to rich western countries. This specific type of salt is believed to help your potency stay strong and healthy.


The reason for this self-salting behaviour is easily explained. In order to reproduce, the pistachio nut has to rely on the tongues of (usually) camels, but also donkeys and giraffes are known to give the nut this kind of treatment. These gracious animals will lick the nut, in order to get to the delicious salt. When licked upon, the nuts will understand that now is the time to drop to the earth. The camels saliva will provide the nut with the moisture it needs to grow into a new, and wonderful pistachio tree.


Unfortunately, many people are not aware of this fact. They think the pistachio nuts are manually salted. You may laugh at this, but a lot of people really believe this to be true! They are truly unknowing infidels. We all know the pistachio-business is a very dark and brutal business, much like the porno and drug-industry. The big pistachio-exporters can not be trusted, and they are still trying to establish the idea of "manual-salting" as a fact, so that they can charge more money for the poor nut.


Pistachio nuts are the 5th most addictive substance on the planet. Pistachios are a relative of the rape nut which is used to create rape oil. The thing that makes pistachios addictive is the coating from the shell which seeps into the nut while it remains in the shell. This puts them above coffee, tobacco, and even cocaine. Once one begins to eat pistachios, it is very difficult to stop. The pistachio was one of the causes of World War 1. The leader of Germany, Kaiser Wilheim, had his buddy Winston Churchill over for a few drinks. They were laughing and having fun until Churchill tried a pistachio nut, and immediately became obsessed with eating them. Wilheim was offended with Churchill's obscene behavior and decided that the British weren't worth wasting nuts on. Today, pistachios are illegal in all United Nation's member countries, and are grown mostly in places no one wants to look.

The addictive substance in Pistachios is called Pistanine. Presently, pre-shelled pistachios have become available at any local supermarket in the United States. This product, pushed through FDA restrictions on controlled substances by a rich Pistachio lobby funded by terrorists, could create an exponential increase in Pistachio related overdoses. Why doesn't the media cover the pistachio overdoses that must be occurring all over the country? Two words, Big Pistachio.

One of the first signs of Pistachio overdose is un-controllable dancing. This is shortly followed by an overdriving urge to consume vast amounts of liquid refreshments. Anyone reaching this level of overdose should be taken to an emergency room immediately. There is a one in three chance that you or a loved one is addicted to Pistachios. Pistachios change the color of urine. This has resulted in adolescent gatherings of pistachio abuse known as "Pee-parties" and a marked increase in adolescent abuse of the Pistachio. pistachios also contain a chemical compound called H2SO4 that helps burn through a constipated colon.

Links to Terrorism[edit]

Iran is the largest producer of Pistachios in the world. When you eat a Pistachio you might support terrorism! Al Qaeda took interest in the Pistachio after demand for Opium fell in first world countries. They see its disruptive qualities to society as a direct influence on their enemies. Pistachios are also grown as a weapon. The nuts are highly flammable when stored in large quantities, and are prone to self heating and spontaneous combustion. This curious property is the basis for a device known as the "nutty-bomb". In addition to its explosive properties, Pistachio trees are potential carriers for over 27 diseases, four of which have unknown causes and two of which have unknown carriers.

Peak production of the Pistachio nut is not reached for 20 years. Even then Pistachio trees only produce decent harvests every other year. Also, Pistachio shells are naturally beige but are often dyed red.

War Use[edit]

Due to their explosive properties, it is a little known fact that pistachios are widely used in war. the salt gland is extracted and is a key component of gunpowder. It's also a little known fact that a pistachio nut was at the heart of the bomb dropped on Hiroshima. A walnut was used instead in the bomb dropped on Nagasaki, the lesser explosive properties of the walnut being directly responsible for the reduced amount of deaths from the Nagasaki bomb.

Religious Objections[edit]

Pistachio trees have two sexes, male and female. They are therefore subject to Original Sin and since they cannot ask for forgiveness, will spend eternity in Hell with their evil master. Also, pistachio trees do not marry, therefore any breeding is a sin. Ancient cultures situated in Peru and Bolivia were known to sacrifice their children's genitals to the pistachio, sparking controversy among Steven Seagal worshipers.

Getting Help[edit]

Millions of people become addicted to Pistachios yearly. Do you find yourself looking at a pile of hulls and smugly rationalizing "I can stop anytime I want?" You are not alone. Thousands have overcome the neurotic need to conceal their supply, hiding the shells from family members and the anguish of being seen with green bits in their teeth. Pistachio Addicts Anonymous has meetings in most major civic centers across North America. Pistachioism is commonly misunderstood. The popular perception of a pistacioholic is the poor devil who sleeps on a park bench and competes with the squirrels for fallen acorns. However, these sufferers are only a tiny minority of addicts. Let PAA help you before it's too late, and your fingernails are completely cracked, and you are shamelessly "mainlining" (what hard-core addicts call buying a "bag" of shelled nuts.) Also, an Anti-Pistachio lobby is trying to reverse the FDA decision that allows Pistachios to infect our urban centers but the fight against Big Pistachio is epic and it needs your help. The Pistachio conglomerates must be stopped.