Potato chip
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Air. Wait, no, you were looking for chips, but the fucking packet was empty. Again.
“Once you pop the fun don't stop”
A potato chip, or Crisps as it is known in other countries, is the sexy two-dimensional version of a three-dimensional potato.[1]
Discovery[edit]
The existence of the potato chip was first hypothesized by Albert Einstein in 1903 while studying in the basement of his mother's house. Potato chips were later produced in staggering numbers by tossing the entire state of Idaho into a rotating black hole, thereby vindicating Einstein's much despised theory of general relativity once and for all.
They then rose to become a smash hit reaching No. 2 in the UK downloads chart in 1764. In first place came the Battle Of Stirling Bridge. Some dedicated followers were so dismayed that they entered the XBOX worldwide gaming championship.
Home improvement[edit]
In 1941, the famous non-euclidean architect M.C. Escher conjectured that the standard potato chip can be used to tile a bathroom floor. Unfortunately, Escher's attempt to prove this statement by actually tiling his bathroom floor with actual potato chips unexpectedly created a rupture in the space-time continuum, which drove his wife (Mrs Escher) insane. It also attracted large numbers of rats and cockroaches, so the Environmental Health Agency slapped a compulsory purchase order on the property and he and his wife had to go and live in a hut.
Ingredients[edit]
The main ingredient in all potato chips is Soylent Green, more commonly known as people. Potato chips made with Olestra™ will make you wish you were never born while you sing hymns on the toilet for the next seven years as you slowly drain. Not to mention the years of anal leakage that may follow.
Farming[edit]
Potato chips are an extremely important cash crop. Much as owners of long, narrow plots of farmland can plant dental floss, potato chips grow in many areas in the central United States that are sufficiently flat.
Migrant workers stream into those regions to pick the chips and stuff them in crinkly foil bags. Farmers embrace this economical method of harvesting, certain that the final customer will not be concerned about the implications on hygiene.
The lucrative potato-chip business has spread to areas that are not completely flat. This has led to potato chips with curves or "ridges." Consumers pay less for these imperfections, but tell one another that they do not matter because, "It all ends up in the same place."
Etiquette[edit]
Potato chips should be consumed only in the most dire of circumstances. They must not be thrown on the ground in the presence of sea slugs. In 2006, the long awaited opening of the Mediterranean Sea Slug Preservatory in Venice, Italy, was marred by the sight and smell of millions of sea slugs in various stages of death. This was a direct result of a dispute on whether Lay's or Ruffles were the better chip. This is referenced in chapter four of "Walt Whitman in Australia" by J.Powell, L.Myers, and E.Voss.
Who Eats Potato Chips?[edit]
Rush Limbaugh personally consumes 52 metric shitloads per year, accounting for over half of all potato chip consumption in North America. In second place is Australia and then the Mormons, who consider potato chips sacred and use unleavened Pringles in their polygamy ceremonies.
See Also[edit]
Footnotes[edit]
- ↑ The one-dimensional version of the potato is, of course, the French fry. Some scientists say that zero-dimensional potatoes are popcorn.