Opal Fruits

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Opal Fruits, also known as O-Chews, Monkeypackets, Huntch and Grease Bombs, are a type of recreational drug that enjoyed a famous upsurge of popularity in the early 1720's. Opal Fruits are an addictive substance, and their possession, cultivation, and distribution is illegal in virtually all of the civilised world.


“Yeah, I did them. Who didn't?”

~ Oscar Wilde on Opal Fruits

The drug gained popularity amongst young people after Charles Darwin wrote a book about them named On the Origin of Freaky Stuff You Can Take. Noted biologist Dean Martin studied the chemical makeup of the drug and pronounced it to be "volare".

Methods of consumption[edit]


Typically, half an opal fruit is taken and chewed. Effects begin within 3 or 4 mins. Another method is to pour fresh orange/apple juice into a blender and add 6-8 opal fruits to the mix. Again, effects begin within 3 or 4 minutes. This is the method of choice for the over 30's.

Intravenous Injection

Effects begin almost instantly. Studies have shown that the user is 8 times more likely to cry using this method and 3 times as likely to dance on the comedown.


Referred to as 'hoovering the monkeypackets'. The opal fruit is grated like a small block of cheese into a fine powder and hoovered like monkey. This was the method of choice during the 1950's and 60's but has since lost it's cool.

Smoked with tobacco

Again, grated using a cheese grater then rolled in a spliff. Effects take much longer using this technique but it's high is much smoother and predictable. Green and orange opal fruits are a big no no when it comes to smoking but nobody has ever actually been able to put it into words as to why this is the case.

Skin absorbtion

This technique was discovered by the Chinese and brought over to the west during the 1890's. Typically, 20g of opal fruit is melted into a bowl and sponged up using a cloth, then the cloth is placed on the forehead and absorbed into the skin. The effect is unlike any of the other methods in the way that it mimics the effects of cheap lager. This was voted in The Gaurdian as the shitest, most expensive way to consume any drug.

The Opal High[edit]

Symptoms are as follows: (5g dose taken orally)

  • Stage 1

3 mins

The feet begin to sweat, followed by the thumbs and then the knees. Occasional flutter of the eyelids, accompanied by vibrating buttocks and face.

5 mins

A dizziness sets in, accompanied by a low droning noise from behind

  • Stage 2
Robocop in the depths of Stage 2

8 mins

The low drone gradually raises in pitch over the course of the next ten minutes. Feet and knees are now soaking wet.

Often, hands are felt molesting the users body. A presence is felt (97% of cases) - someone else has arrived (often referred to as the Opal Lord).

10 mins

Both sets of cheeks are now visibly vibrating (you may fall off your chair), this triggers the process of rapid leg manipulation by the Opal Lord. Rapid, jerky, upper body movement ensues as the Opal Lord works his way up the body. Hallucinations are now a regular occurrence and objective reality fades.

  • Stage 3

15 mins

Auditory effects (see below) are at their height during this phase. The continuous low drone is now a high pitched squeal. It can be perceived as a miniature 6 year old girl or a particularly vocal mouse with a P.A system. The upper body is drenched in thumb sweat and extremely rigid. Thoughts come and go. Contradictary emotions are felt with rapid succession and erections are commonplace.

20 mins

The user is confused, drenched in thumb sweat and has the appearance of being cut off from all external stimuli. The user is very happy for 10-20 minutes.

  • Stage 4

40-45 mins


Auditory effects[edit]

Known as the buzzwhizz and the uberflux. The subtle change in perception of sounds and music is a common result of the high typically associated with smoking the drug. Many artists compose whilst under the influence. Here is Leonard Cohen's interpretation of This whole world by Brian Wilson (The Beach Boys) whilst under the influence.



Some spoilsports in Congress passed a bill to the effect that Opal Fruits were renamed Starburst, thus ending the vogue and confusing everyone, everywhere, forever. The universe is now considered fucked

See also[edit]