Old Man (Legend of Zelda)
“One who does not have Triforce can't go in.”
“No, I don't know how your ears got pierced.”
“No, i don't know about my boy.”
That Old Man from The Legend Of Zelda is a dirty, rotten, sneaky old bastard, pedophile. And here's why.
General Evidence[edit]
First of all, you'll never see the Old Man above ground, or in the Overworld as it's called in the game. He always hangs around in the dark, scary dungeons with the evil monsters, or inside caves with big square openings. Doesn't that strike you as a little weird? Lying around in a smelly old cave just waiting for an unsuspecting adventurer to pass by so he can... I don't even want to describe the things that go on in the darkness.
Also, have you ever taken a look at the human population of Hyrule?
- One young, handsome, vulnerable adventurer dressed like an elf waving a stick around
- Several Old Men scattered throughout the world
- One Old Woman
- A little princess who is pretty hot, I will admit, but there's the whole problem of her being guarded by Ganon.
- Several Merchants who do NOTHING but sell you second-rate items, like that sword that is SO fake off EBay
- The King.
A man's gotta get his entertainment from somewhere.
The Morning Wood Sword[edit]
Probably the worst of the Old Man's perversions. At the start of the game he just happens to be nearby- in a cave, of course- with an ambiguously shaped object that is not named in the game. Link takes it and pokes monsters with it, and most often, they die. The object is most likely made of wood, and since it is sword-shaped, fans have taken to calling it the Wooden Sword. But you and I, us smart folks that we are, know how to put two and two together. And when we do, we see the "Wooden Sword" for what it really is: the Old Man's pleasure toy! The Old Man loves to corrupt the minds of the youthful into following his own twisted path. Perhaps he is Michael Jackson in disguise?
The Door Problem[edit]
I mean, come ON! First of all, the Old Man's house looks no different than any of the hundreds of caves scattered throughout the land. Can't anyone in Hyrule afford a freakin' bed? All he's got is two fires as big as he is burning in the middle of the room. He would need fuel for that somewhere, wouldn't he? But probably the worst thing about his house is the door. When you put a bomb on his doorstep- by accident, hey- his door gets blown to smithereens and, upon entering his house, he charges you for it. Well, that'd be fine if his door didn't look like the freakin' WALL! How the hell was Link supposed to know that someone's private property lay behind the rock walls he was looking for loot behind? Again, this is just more evidence that the Old Man just wants to make life hard for everyone.
In The Dungeons[edit]
In addition to populating the disgusting caves of Hyrule, the Old Men like spending time down in the various dungeons. Here they serve their only useful purpose- telling Link things he already knows. (I mean, who does he think he is?) But the developers at Nintendo couldn't just have a main character that did nothing except get in Link's way, so they made him a wise old sage who helpfully guides Link through the tougher parts of the game. Okay, not really "guides" so much as "gives vague and poorly worded clues". Hey, give Nintendo some slack here. The Internet wasn't around yet.
But you know what the catch is? If you accidentally let any of your weapons so much as touch him- that sword he gave you, your boomerang, meat, taser, whatever- his "advice" vanishes and he starts launching fire at you! SHIT! THAT fuckin' KILLS! He doesn't even move a muscle- just does a Darth Vader and starts telekinetically throwing stuff at you- namely, gobs of fire. He doesn't stop until you are dead. Going from a "helpful" guy to a fire-wielding maniac... could he have mental problems brought on by insanity and age, perhaps? Or could those long years down in the caves be taking their toll on him?
Something else the Old Man does that I feel should be mentioned[edit]
His "game". His "money making game". Every ounce of training I've ever gone through screams SCAM! He's basically pulling a Three Card Monte on you, only it might as well be One Card Monte because this guy is a friggin' cheater. Go play a few thousand times and analyze your results- you'll definitely see a negative cash flow through your wallet.
Also, I'd bet my left nut that the games are a front. For what, do you ask? Don't be stupid.
In Conclusion[edit]
The Old Man is dangerous and should be avoided at all costs. If you're not sure if you need to avoid him, the general rule of thumb is that if you breathe and have blood, you need to stay away. If you don't breathe and have no blood, you should still ensure that you are either blind or a cactus.
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