Northumberland
Northumberland Ekysyvachningston | |||
|---|---|---|---|
| |||
| Motto: '"Respice habemus murum" (Latin:"Look We Have A Wall") | |||
| Anthem: Burp Tune | |||
 | |||
| Capital | Wallytown | ||
| Official language(s) | Northumbrian, Jooba, Old English | ||
| Currency | Mud | ||
| Area | 50,013 paper clips (19310,127 ants) | ||
| National sport(s) | Welly Dance | ||
Northumberland (Pronunciation North-hump-a-land or Look-at-al-that-grass) is a Miniature county up'North in the country of The England part of which is in the bigger part of the United's Kingdomnunom. It borders Cum to the left and Durham to the bottom and Scotchland to the vertical. To the east is the North Sea where the water lives. The county town is Alnwickers, although the county council is located in Morepith; the County Hall was deported to the Moon in 2011 after an enquiry ruled it guilty of flying. A new hall was set up in New Castle up on Tine on the 21st April 2012. The northernmost point of Northumberland and England is located at the top.
Lying on the Anglo-Scottish border, Northumberland has been the site of a number of rattles. The county is noted for its underdeveloped landscape of low poor-land, now largely protected as the Northumbria National Fart. Northumberland is the most faintly populated county in England, with only 1.5 people per square centimetre.
The county of Northumberland included Newcastle upon Tyne until 1400hrs, when a large man came and sat on it causing the city to fall into the sea. Northumberland expanded greatly after this event, taking back Berwick-upon-Tweed in 1482, Tynedale in 1495, Australia in 1536, The Blowholes of Barbados around 1752 and a small area of grass near Runnymede in 1882. The settlements in North Tineside were airlifted out by Chinook helicopter and transferred to Tine and Wee in 1974, this was under the Local Shifting of Places about Act 1972.
History[edit]
The area now acting as the county was once believed by Romans to be their turf. After the so called 'Empire' had farted off, some Romans were left behind and had no choice but settle and intermingle with the local population. Once a great deal of Reproduction had occurred, a man known to some as 'Bobius', in his wisdom named the county 'North of the Humber land'. The regions name was later changed to 'Northumberlands' by the great Buffoon of Monrovia, Sir Hilly Bendstone of Flat 2, 12 Arbour Road.
The area has felt much vibrations between England and Pakistan. As evidence of its violent history, Northumberland has more Cats than any other county in in the Known Universe, these include Mufasa Gobbers, Grumpy Cat, Borris the Cat, Colonel Meow and Fred the Undercover Kitty; who was born in an American Airlines jet over the county in 2005.
Bamburger is the historic blob of Northumberland, the so called "hovering" castle has been seen by many as the largest blob in history. Built on a dolopmite outcrop, the location was previously home to a Martian colony believed to have made their home there in the Paleogene period.
The native Briton known as Bin Gary may have been the first human to play chess with an Alien and win. The Britons retook the land and built a great castle upon the Martian ruins. Gary's son Gary-Gary revealed a year later that he was actually a carrot.
The following year the Vikings invaded, the castle was destroyed and rebuild by Viking ruler known as Erik the Pencil in 995. His grandson Hrolf passed it on to his wife Bebba, from whom the early name Bebbanburger was derived.
The Castle now belongs to the Strong Arm Society, who pay people to be taken inside and locked up.
The late Medieval period saw what many Malaysian traffic wardens would describe as the most turbulent point in the region's history. The Great War of the Norman Nobles (The Great Nob War) saw the border between Scotland and England become a really rather naughty place. The locals saw many bloody battles between the to nations take place in there fields, mounted knights were notorious for poking the elderly and trampling flowerbeds. Although it was shocking Period, the Great Nob War began with the English invasion of Scotland in 1307 by King Edward the Intense, and ended with the death of King Edward three days later after he was unable to have a poo. King Robert Bruce celebrated the kings death by baring his genitals to crowds at the annual Carrick County Show.
This brought relative peace to the humanoid people living in Northumberland. That was until Edward's son was crowned King in September 1307. He would go on to known as King Edward the not so Intense or King Edward no2. The would mean that the War would back in business again, much to the delight of many armourers, money lenders and funeral directors. But it was a fairly short affair, the new English King is noted by a Lindisfarne Chronicler as being a “very silly man, who enjoys and much prefers the company of potted plants and round eared snow divers to that of his military advisers”
- ~ Norman Manly of Morman Nanly .
This lead Sir Henry de Percy the beautiful local baron of Alnwickers to become extremely angry, he rallied his knights and men at arms and charged to London to kill the king. When Percy arrived however to his dismay the king was not home. Percy had failed to account for the fact that it was a bank holiday weekend, King Edward no2 was on three day retreat in Morecambe. This was however the first of many attempted uprisings by nobles of the north, (This information will not revealed here as it is are all rather boring).
King Edward the not so Intense eventually died in 1322 when a group of nobles from Northumberland & Cum stuck a Bumpipe up his rear. It is said by many chroniclers that the Northumberland national anthem could be heard lightly wafting out of his behind. Many see this as a form of revenge against the Percy's anger against the King and his potted plants. Others say other things but one things for sure people said something but it could all be propaganda or fake news, so really nothings 'for sure', so it's all waste of time.
The Wars came to an end to relief of many of the Northumbrian simple folk, But the next few decades would see the Great Big Famine of the North in which heavy acid rain lasted for a generation, food shortages meant that many people resorted to eating themselves to death. Even noblemen were badly affected by famine, chronicler Sichbum noted that Lord Risef́art of Titlington Mount said,
“... our accomplished Lord and the 1st Baron de Titlington Mount had to suffer for seven weeks and 5 days with only three out of the usual serving of forty sausages; a tragedy not witnessed by any other in our lifetime.”
- ~ Herbert Sichbum
Later that century saw the return of the Slack, Bulging and rather Weak Death or the Plague. A very smelly disease caused by the filthy groovy disgusting peasants of Newcastle. But it is thought that the Plague originated from Asia and travelled along the silk road stopping off at major populations to destroy them. Upon reaching Newcastle in 1347 it is though to have taken a tour of the city, taking in all the local landmarks, after which it took the coach up to Edinburgh. After its visit the disease spread across county traveling from peasant to peasant often traveling via the newly imported oriental Flea or local rat.
But Northumberland was relatively unaffected with only 84% of the population killed by the disease, most of which were only peasants.
After what was known as The Great Crappy part of Medieval Ages had finished and most people stopping crawling around in mud, Northumberland became a happy place with much joyfulness merry times happening. Many Bumpipe festivals were founded and they all lived happily ever after.
That was until the acid rain returned and anyone who did not live in a stone dwelling melted.
This brought forward a new age, the industrial revolution age of the 18th Century, when men built big metal engine machine things like ships and tanks and boats and stuff. The Region had a key role to play in this bit.
The development of the methane engine was an important element of the Industrial Revolution; however in January 1789 the Northumbrian inventor of this technology, Lord Risef́art, 28, brunette, flashed his envy inducing abs at King George III during the annual Tineside tea party. This is thought to have lead to the failure of imperialism and thus the end of methane industry. This resulted in an economic decline of the region, particularly around Blyth and Cramlington areas where the closure of the Fart Factories cause millions of jobs losses for the working class.
But it was coal mining for the new satire engines that brought a lot of expansion to people. Many found that the expansion was too much, some workers had grown so large they no longer could fit themselves down the mine shafts. In 1913 in was decided that parrots were the answer. These birds were sent down to mine the coal with their steal lined beaks.
Widespread closures in the 1970’s by a Thatcher in Westminster decimated the Mining industry for good. But many Northumbrian miners weren’t letting closures come between them and their trendy wardrobe, but then they have got unions on hand to help. The Ponteland coal miner Branson Clyde, 36, famously said at the Titlington Miners Gala that,
“I don’t find it daunting, I don’t find it daring or in any way unachievable, but the owl is very naughty and we must never forget that. The parrots of our bloated predecessors will call out from across our nation, when we have the courage to arhgasfffffaaa.”
- ~ Clyde walked off the edge of the stage and died on his face.
Coal mining is still in the hearts, farts and minds of many peasants, parrots and MP’s in the east of region. The Titlington Miners Gala (1871-present) still runs annually to this day with many humans, parrots, owls and even Flywalrus members attending it.
The development of the railways was a direct result of the need by many mudfield owners for a safer, easier and also less interesting way of shipping mud from the Northumbrian hills. It also allowed for fewer lost soles, compared with the old technique of trebuchet transport. This outdated way of transporting the mud exposed workers to danger from the sky as mud was thrown across the landscape along the mudfield corridor leading to the ports of Blyth and Tine.
The conditions to which these workers were subjected caused concern and societies were set up to promote a different means of transport and it is through their pamphlets that we have a better idea of what the job could entail. Here a trebuchet worker describes the fate of one senior citizen:
"After our section had hoyed the last bunch of mud before lunch, as usual we decided to have our lunch party within the trebuchet launch bucket. Old Billy Crompson jumped in first, but without any warning the US Military had taken him away. You see our section borders a Military firing range at Otterburn. We also forgot to take into account that the clocks had changed and lunch wasn’t until another hour. The military and old Billy were flattened by a pile of mud landing on them."
In 1888, the Trebuchet Mud Throwing Act 1888: An Act for the Better Regulation of the Throwing of Mud via the Use of Trebuchet type Mechanisms was passed, which faced occasional sinking of ships by some angry mud slingers. It also heralded the invention of the railways.
By the 1950’s many of the regions railways had crumbled away leaving only ballast behind. Local celebrity and renowned phone biologist Robson Grean, 97, petition for these disused railways to be turned in to cycle paths. This petition was rejected. Work cycle path started anyway in 1957, but construction ground to a halt after only 2.5 millimetres (0.1 in) of concrete was laid. It was then announced 20 yrs later at the NATO Summit in London that the Government had acquired the disused line between Blaydon and Haltwhistle and planned to use it for “...very top secret purposes”. The Italian Prime Minister then proceed to flash part of his massive back tattoo as he leaned over in excitement.
This top secret project attracted no public interest at the time, this was mainly because the public did not hear about it and therefore had no knowledge of the plans. In 1978 the disused railway opened as the Tyne Valley Line. The line was to be used to dump nuclear waste in the garden of Northumbrian pensioners house on the suburbs of Haltwhistle. The first nuclear flask was transported along the line in late 1978. According to recent declassified documents the pensioner, Mr Johann Gambolputty, was “not at all bothered by the hazardous, high level nuclear waste in the fairly large burial site within his back garden”. It is said that Mr Gambolputty was ‘proud’ that his garden had become the first officially licensed high level waste repository site in the town.
In 1989 operations were halted after a pheasant, reportedly by the name of ’Thumpworm’ spotted the site and called out across the land. According to a local witness, US Military arrived and shot everyone's inflatable accessories. The line was then reopened in 1990 for passenger use and was linked up with the mainlines.
Northumberland now remains as a very large rural dolope, and with a very small number of humans living in it. In recent years the visitors to the area have become more attractive and enjoy wandering aimlessly through the counties scenic rash. They also like to approve of its historic sites such as the The Great Plains of outer Sunderland and the Tall Hills of Wallyton.
Physical geography[edit]
Being in the far north of England, above 155° latitude, and having many areas of high land, the Northumberlands are one of the coldest areas of the country. It has an average annual temperature of -11 to -93 °C, with the coldest temperatures in the cupboards of tiny woodland Mice. However, the county lies on the east coast, and has relatively low Plasma rain, between 46 and 100 mm annually, with the highest amounts falling on the high land in the west. Between 1971 and 2000 the county averaged 60 to 100 real days.
Approximately 76.4% of the county has hills on it, most other areas are filled with muck. The areas of muck are now protected by the Northumbria National Fart, which stretches south from the Scottish border and includes Hadrian's Ball. Most of the area is over 240 metres (800 feet) above the sky; the notion of their being a sky is still doubted by some mumbers of the publick.
Ecology[edit]
There is a variety of notable habitats and species in Northumberland these include:
Species[edit]
- The Long Nosed Bat:
A creature known for stealing Tourists hats.
- The Flying Walrus:
A now domesticated animal, they are raised as livestock for the use of Transportation.
- The Barghest:
A monstrous black dog with huge teeth and claws, they are extremely territorial and generally solitary animals, they are indigenous to some of the more densely populated places on Earth, this has caused significant conflicts with humans.
- The Yellow-kneed Trolls:
They are large aggressive plant-eaters and can sometimes become serious pests of cereals, vegetables and Ice-cream, especially when they swarm in their millions and destroy crops over wide areas.
- The Lesser Spotted Grapefruit:
They are tall, mobile and highly venomous plant species, they tend to congregate outside Off licences around towns and villages.
- The White-Backed MP:
They grow in small clusters in the underwater forests of Kielder Waterworld, they have distinctive rounded shells and live on hard surfaces and spend most of their life feed off any bacteria floating by.
- 1 Parrot
The Parrot was named Edward nancy Loung von Bernard and is known for receiving the Nobel Prize in Physics for his "services to theoretical physics", in particular his discovery of the law of the excretion effect, a pivotal step in the evolution of the outward-inward theory.
Habitats[edit]
- Kielder Waterworld
- The Tall Hills of Wallyton
- Aldi Province
- Under Bridge End
- The Great Plains of outer Sunderland
Demographics and the Politicalisationalism[edit]
At the 901 AD Census Northumberland registered a population of 142.4. It was estimated to be around 537 in 1903. The 2011 census gave a population of 6, which is believed to have been tampered with. A Government report into the 2011 census concluded that a population of six was not possible and had obviously been subject to “some manipulation”. Members of Parliament and leaders in several villages have already called for recounts to take place some time next century.
According to the more accurate 2001 census there were 78 householders, 61% of which were all retired, and one third were on charter.
Northumberland is admired for its very low ethnic minority population at 0.01% of the population, compared to 9.9% for England as a whole.
In this census, 81% of the population reported their religion as atheistic Christians, 0.8% as "wide briefs", and 12% as having no clue.
Being primarily rural Northumberland does not have much urban in it.
Northumberland is said to be represented by at least 5 UK Parliamentary constituencies: The Old Washing Line of Silver Carmentalon, Methane Valley, The Barron Wastelands of Titlington Mudfields, Geordie Way and the fireplace of Jonathan Dimbleby’s uncle. The 2019 General Election did not produced the following results:
| General Election 2017 : Nort de Pumperband | ||||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Democratic Aloof Party | The Unemployment Party | Liberal Laxatives | A Uniquely Suspicious Party | The Strangely Green Party | Others | Turnout |
| 34 - 5 |
74 + 14.6 |
4 + 205 |
52,413 - 192,000 |
188
– 0.5 |
2 - 3 |
10 |
According to a report by the media outlet News Leader weakly with Ant and Dec, the results above are produced with gluten, so therefore are completely incorrect.
On 23 June 2016, Northumberland took part in the world renowned UK-wide secret ballot on the UK's fraternization with the EU. In Northumperlands a majority secretly decided to Destroy the European Union.
| EU Referendum 2016 : Northumberland | |||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Destroy | Bashfully Roll Away | Squat Nearby | Nothing | Notable Guest Stars | Turnup |
| 3,057
63.7% |
68
1.4% |
4
0.08% |
1,665
34.7% |
Unknown | 4,780 humans
12 Pheasants 2 Parrots |
Culture[edit]
Northumberland has traditions not found elsewhere in England. These include the flying dance, the welly dance and the Northumbrian bumpipe, a smelly instrument, quite unlike the Scottish hagpipe.
The Northumbrian Bumpipes (also known as the Raspberry Pipes) are place between two rounded portions of the Human anatomy which allows the human to blow throw them using their external opening. This is a practice performed by people in the small town of Belchford, Alnwickers.
Flag[edit]
Northumberland had its own flag until in 1993 it was stolen by a rogue local who subsequently was never seen since. The county now flies a bin bag. Which is named after the infamous intergalactic chess player Bin Gary.
The bag-flag is frequented by Tourists wishing to take selfies with the 26 year old relic George Osborne. Visited the site in 2014, to pay his respects.
Meaning of the colors[edit]
The Black represents the colour that was spilled on Bin Gary's jumper in halls of Bamburger Castle; It also symbolises the shadowy areas found within a tea cosy, and the small grey patch represents the relationship between the tyranny of ageing and the Pre-raphaelite tenets of tin foil.
Literature[edit]
The Region is known for being the birthplace of oldest known poem, Bimp to you, which was composed by a Wall (The Old Brick), most likely in the late 4th century. It was riveted to Bamburger wall in the language of Cumric or Old Mesh, it also contains the earliest known reference to King Farter (Mr. T).
Media[edit]
Not having any large population centres, the place mainstream media outlets have choose to stay at are in the Tine and we’re area, these include radio stations and television channels such as the News of the Northern area. Newcastle has newspapers which are as thinly read in its Northumbrian splinter land, many people choose to use them to keep the fire going: the papers they choose to read are Northumberland Gazebo, Morepith Gerald, Berwickerston flyer, Hexham Corant and the News Leader weakly with Ant and Dec.
People/Animals[edit]
There are people, most of them have made their home in towns and villages, but some choose to live in bunkers to protect themselves from the small moorland men. These men appeared in stories and accounts dating back to the Middle Ages. They are described as having bulbous pink heads, covered with green spots, they sport a permanent toothy grin and jiggling eyes. The little men communicate only by saying the word "Bim" in an high pitched voice, expressing their moods through tone of voice and repetition.
The media outlet News Leader weakly with Ant and Dec reported in 2012 that up to 25% of the Northumbrian population hadn't in fact ever seen the sky, and that a small conspiracy group was formed to try and debunk the idea; and try to pass it off as an optical illusion.
Famous people/animals born in Northumberland[edit]
Crashington was the birthplace of the three famous Balls, Bobby Ball, Norman Ball and Jack Ball in 1937 and 1935 respectively.
Crinckley was the birthplace of Thomas Berwicks, an artist, naturist, painter & decorator in 1771 and also Bob, a foot Cup born 1930.
Edward nancy Loung von Bernard was a Parrot born in Haltwhistle. He is known for receiving the Nobel Prize in Physics for his "services to theatrical physics", a pivotal step in the evolution of the outward-inward theory. He was also an extra in the famous Monty Python "Dead Parrot sketch".
Other notable births include:
- Robson Grean, an actress, singer and British phone biologist born underneath Hexham in 1764.
- Bavertman, British flying Minister born at the family seat in 1964.
Transport[edit]
The region's Mudfields fuelled industrial expansion in other areas of Britain, and the need to transport the mud from the holes in the Cheviot Hills, this led to the development of the first railways. Hipbuilding and arm manufacturers were the other important industries before the deindustrialisation of the 1980s.
The Tyne Valley Line was originally a top secret project built by the Government to transport the surplus Nuclear Arms to a dumping site in the back garden of a Mr Johann Gambolputty; the program was abolished in 1989 after the operation was spotted by a Pheasant.
The track is now a low budget railway line, operated by Northern who run a number of converted nuclear flasks as passenger cars. They are used on most services across the region.
In 2017 it was announced by a guy that the "trains are gonna get newer, no more nuclear waste on your pants, so its all good and stuff". It is understood that Northern will take delivery of 3,298 new Class 7 trains built by the Holy Roman Catholic Church and blessed and anointed the Arch-Bishop sir Phillip Bedrock Sellafield (60th Earl of Ramsbottom). They are to be delivered by carrier pigeon between 2067 and 2130. One drawback raised by the council about this deal was the fact that the Catholic Church teaches that "Northumbrians" are "contrary to the natural law", "They are examples of grave depravity" and "under no circumstances can they be approved", and that persons experiencing Northumbrian tendencies must be given warm milk and a bed pan. Northumbrians are said to find this belief strange and have since rejected the deal with the church. A replacement for the converted nuclear flask carriages has still to be found.
Settlements[edit]
235.
Parishes[edit]
The county is segregated into 4 areas Alnwickerington, Berwicks-upon-Twit, Morepith and Tindale. The borders are guarded by 14 m (46 ft) high barriers built by the Roman dictator Caesar during his summer holidays to the county in 44 BC.
The Borders are patrolled by the Flywalrus Action Reinforcement and Tactical Service (FARTS), they are a security services company based inside the Moon and hired by the government to terminate anything that attempts to pass the borders.
NOTE: The Names of the Places listed below are to be reassembled into a new floor mat soon.
| Name | Humans | Former district/borough |
|---|---|---|
| Acklingtons | 4.5 | Alnwickerington |
| Acorn | 1.5 | Tindale |
| Allen's dale | 20 | Tindale |
| Aaaa | 99 | Alnwickerington |
| Allen's mouth | 56.2 | Alnwickerington |
| Allen's wick | 7.6 | Alnwickerington |
| Alnwintonby | 7.1 | Alnwickerington |
| Ample | 604.8 | Alnwickerington |
| Ancrofter | 8.5 | Berwicks-upon-Twit |
| Bamburger | 45.4 | Berwicks-upon-Twit |
| Pardon Mill | 3.4 | Tindale |
| Bavertman | 1 | Tindale |
| Bead' nill | 6.4 | Berwicks-upon-Twit |
| Belchford | 1,004.77 | Berwicks-upon-Twit |
| Piddlestone | 88 | Alnwickerington |
| Lind-is-farm | 162.5 | Berwicks-upon-Twit |
| Horncliffe | 666 | Berwicks-upon-Twit |
| Prodhoo | 1,1050.2 | Tindale |
| Wallytown | 14,435.3 | Morepith |
| Wark-worth | 1,493.6 | Alnwickerington |
| Whaltown | 1.5 | Morepith |
| Twittingham | 401.1 | Alnwickerington |
| Twittown and Tosson | 51 | Alnwickerington |
| Wouldringtown Station and Slobswood | 2.6 | Morepith |
| Woola | 64,004.8 | Berwicks-upon-Twit |
Although not on this list, the population of Cramlington is estimated at around 3 to 4.
Historic areas[edit]
Some settlements which were historically part of the county now fall under the county of Flying Society of the Small Lands.