“I left my heart in a field in Cumbria...and a packet of extra strength latex.”
“Cumbria... Where the men are men... And so are the women...”
Cumbria (also known simply as "Cum") is a country in the United Kingdom of English part of United Kingdomness, although they are more akin to the Welsh and roast cheese. You'd think it would be the hottest and driest area in the entire world due to the Furnace Peninsula in the South of Cumbria, however in actual fact it's very cold and wet due to the sheep
Cumbria is really two counties, North Cumbria and West Cumbria, but they are might as well be one. The capital of West Cumbria is usually Workington; The capital of North Cumbria, is Carlisle but sometimes it's Shap (formerly two towns; Shit and Crap, which merged to form Shap), Kendal (all they do is make mint cake) and Keswick, who make a lot of pencils, Orton, however is a mirror image of Brough (used to be a dump for knackered fridges) or even Tebay (the worst) where everyone says 'iy pat eady like', Wigton is not normally the capital but is notable due to the albatross fisting world championship and the world's only talking shoe lives in the town Rugby club. There's a very simple mathematical formula for working out what today's capital shall be, a formula that would take but a brief moment of your time to explain. But it's really not all that interesting. The current capital of Cumbria is Brough, which is home to a huge chav infestation, Prime Minister Tony Blair ordered a cull of all chavs in 1998. Back in the 1980s the environment agency (Old women) put a fire watch in place over all of the stainmore parish and some of Shap fell near Orton because apparently a chicken laid an egg both on the A6 at Shap and The A66 just out of brough therefore the stainmore farmers got the blame. Stainmore is well known for making smoke, the A66 was brought to a standstill because some tit set a field of bushes on fire.
Cumbria is also the only remaining British county in which women are not allowed in bars. Not even strip bars. Not even Lesbian Strip Bars. Not even Women-only Lesbian Strip Bars. This has led to a growth in a phenomenon known as 'Male Homosexuality', which is a scienceytificcy phrase nerdy boffins use to the explain the love between two straight men (not that those geeks have ever kissed a man!! Am I right, fellas???). Conclusion; cumbria is a generally sexist, racist, homophobic place. Excluding of course, Carlisle- the city of chavvs, and the extent of which being Keswick (where most people are either religious fanatics or people who just cannot seem to hold down a job).
If you would like to know more about forbidden manlove in Cumbria then all you have to do is go up to any big butch Cumbrian soccer player (of which there is about seventeen in Cumbria, Rugby League being the predominant sport) and ask him what it's like to be sodomised up the poop-chute. However this article is not about homosexuality, it's about Cumbria so stop twisting your nipples and let's get back to the main subject, shall we?
Cumbria used to be part of the African coast but due to continental drift it broke off and sort of wandered up north before crashing into the British Islands. The native Africans that found themselves to now be Cumbrians then went on a rampage of self-genocide. Since then there have been no sightings of any black people in Cumbria as "Cumbria doesn't like blacks," according to the Mayor of Cumbria.
Back then it was called Cumberland, but the name had to be changed in 1974 CE when the "ZOMG TEH CUM BELL END! ROFLMAO LOLZERS!!!!111eleven" joke started to wear a bit thin. The word Cumberland still remains in the phrases "Cumberland Sausage" and "Cumberland Wrestling," but thankfully there's nothing phallic about sausages and nothing gay about two men grappling while trying to give one another a "Cross Buttock Throw".
If you're a man who would like to know how to grapple a Cumbrian man's buttocks then - Hey! What did I just tell you about twisting your nipples??? It was also around this time that Cumbellend/Cumbria annexed Westmore.
In 2005 the county was bought by DEFRA, with the objective to keep records for all the sheep that have yet to be shagged.
Cumbria has seen recent political turmoil, with mostly verbal conflict between two separatist groups, namely the ultra-liberal Cumbrian Country Club, who wish for Cumbria to separate from the UK and become a utopia where all drugs and all inbreeding are legal, and the hardline Inbred Uber Alles, who wish for the state of Cumbria to be declared independent of the UK as part of a newly formed "Inbred Entente" with the Isle of Man and most of Western Scotland. While verbal clashes between the two leaders of the parties, Ms. Anita Gofradump of the CCC and Mrs. Norma Stitz of the IUA, are common and often televised on The Jeremy Kyle Show (with the two masquerading as single mothers of 8 from Fairyport thus to distract mainland UK viewers), there has been an incident of violence. In 2011, over 600 Cumberland Sausage pies were thrown at Ms. Gofradump's campaign offices in Whitehaven. In response to this, supporters of Gofradump were apprehended near Stitz's home (a garden shed in a Workington slum) attempting to plant a tractor bomb. Two men were convicted of involvment and sentenced to sheep mauling.
In November 2009, heavy floods devastated many towns in Cumbria along the River Derwent, including Keswick, Workington and Cockermouth, where water reached 8ft above ground in some places. Thousands of people were evacuated from their homes and many properties in Cockermouth were all but destroyed, and several bridges along the length of the river collapsed. Also, thousands of school childeren got the day off, but as there was no electricity the couldn't spend the 3 days on the computer. In primary schools, childeren were forced to write pointless articles about the floods. The floods made international headlines, causing millions worldwide to ask, "so just where is this so-called Cumbria of which you speak?" Altogether, the cost of the damage in Cumbria due to these floods reached a generous estimate of £27.92.
Worse was to follow however, as tensions rose in villages affected by flooding over the fact that floodwaters from neighbouring villagers, i.e. waters of outsiders, was passing by THEIR village on it's way to the Solway. This led to the Cumbrian Civil War of 2009 where the village of Dearham declared war on Cockermouth, which saw violent skirmishes and tractors being driven into homes. Although the forces of Cockermouth fought valiantly against the village armies, ultimately their superior levels of inbreeding (including an artillery unit of 6-armed crossbowmen) allowed them to ransack Cockermouth Town Hall and steal wattle and straw to the value of £3.40. To this day residents of Dearham are minded about visiting Cockermouth, because in an act of vengeance, a law was soon passed to make the attacking of any person(s) in the street from Dearham with a sickle a legal obligation.
So just whe-
-shire. Excuse me but please don't interrupt, it's rather rude.
You will be. Now where was I? Oh yes...
Since 1202 Cumbria has been the battleground between two opposing factions. The Working Men and The White Warriors, both showed a closet love of Jam, but this was superficial as both wanted to show how man they were and the Jam eater/Not Jam eater agument was simply a means to an end.
The war escalated in the 1900s when a Nuclear arms race between the two towns began, Workington was the first to contruct a working nuclear bomb, but had no way to launch it, and almost two years later Whitehaven succeeded in launching a nuclear device out of its Trademarked 'Brunswick Chimney'.
The War continues to this day.
NOW you may speak...............................................
So just where is this so-called Cumbria of which you speak??
In the north-west of England. However People from Daaaan Saaaath think that Cumbria is part of Scotland (Hence the old proverb: 'People from Daaaan Saaaath think that Cumbria is part of Scotland'). But nothing could be further from the truth!! It's just and so on the Southern side of the Scotto-English border (OK so maybe it could've been further from the truth but shut the hell the up).
Cumbria is well known for it's big mountains and big lakes. However they're only big in English terms and not really that impressive if you're from the Himalayas or the Great Lakes or something, in which case you will have experienced something so big that it makes you realise how tiny these ones really are. In fact, there is only one real lake in the Lake District, which is lake Bassenthwaite.
It should be noted that Cumbria, before 1899, did not appear on any map of the United Kingdom sold south of Milton Keynes. This was due to the fact that the Ordnance Survey of Great Britain deemed it not important enough to the majority of their customers in the south. In a well documented event, in Durham, UK, one student originating from London and studying for a degree in Geography at Durham university asked a Cumbrian where he was from. Upon finding the answer to be "Cumbria" she asked where that was. The northerner proceeded to explain it was "near" the Lake District, and having to finally settle with the explantion he was from "near" Manchester. This infuriated his fellow Cumbrians and, without governmental approval, Sellafield power station, West Cumbria, was turned into a nuclear refinement facility with funding from the Iranian government. Bombs from the plant were used in the UK civil war between 1899 and 1903. After this brutal battle the OS decided to add Cumbria to their publications, stating that, in an area where there are regular copulations between locals and sheep, we feel it prudent to advise our customers as to the whereabouts of this place and, at their own risk, enter.
Due to it once being a part of Africa, the vast majority (like 97.3% or something, seriously) of the Cumbrian people are Blacks and Lions. The Remaining 2.7% are just one or the other. Oh except for the tiny minority of Caucasian-Cumbrians. Blink and you'll miss 'em! A good game to play if you're ever in Cumbria (other than playing 'Escape From Cumbria', natch) is 'Where's Whitey?', which is a bit like 'Where's Wally?' only with a white man.
The most populated, over-populated and over-rated place in Cumbria is the Summit of Shap on the A6 in th emiddle od nowhereshire, with approx 3 tourists and a sheep (and also Dougie the lost tramp).
Over 176 million people emigrate from Cumbria each year in a process known as "the Cleansenising", yet only two people move there each year, which means by this time tomorrow the population will be well into negative numbers.
Cumbria has widley been called gay by people who havent been there. If you go there you will find half the people to be normal and have no problems with gays. The other half talk in the traditonal Cumbrian accent (aye marrow!) and hate all gays, blacks, foreingers, and just generally people who are different to them. Most of this half are secretly either gay, black, foreign or just a bit wierd.
The country's biggest bi community live in Cockermouth, which used to be called "CockINmouth" until it was renamed by PC do-gooders so as not to upset the so-called Straight Mafia. Although everyone knows that when people from the north east visit Cumbria they are legally required to suck as many cocks as humanly possible.
Everyone from Cleator Moor has been born with webbing between their fingers and their toes and have no opposable thumbs. These poor half-humans were the reason that Sellafield Nuclear power station is situated in Cumbria, as new generation mutants will pass unnoticed in the the Cleator Moor Community. If a Mooron invites you to meet his family and introduces his wife, sister and mother it is basic good manners not to recoil when you notice there is only the one woman standing there.
When setting up residence in Cleator Moor, it is essential to introduce yourself to the local community with a cheery 'how do you do' knock at their door, emphasizing the point you are from outside the borders of this friendly, inclusive town. You will be treated with a barely comprehensible "Yer nah fae Cleator Moo-ah arah yah, ey". The town is truely England's wild west, and boasts the highest teenage pregnancy rate in England, with a staggering 89.3% of women having 2 or more children before the age of 18.
Moor'uns engage in a rare visit outside of the boundaries of their delightful terraced streets once a year to throw bricks at houses on Egremont's equally salubrious Orgill Estate, which only serves to further the animosity felt between members of the two communities, which has been festering since the Great Tractor Burnings of 1964, the Egremontonian perpetrator(s) of which to this day remain undetected. Anticipating some kind of revenge from Cleator Moor'uns for the fiftieth anniversary of the Great Tractor Burnings next year (2014), the town of Egremont has been erecting defences against attack, including a gatehouse, the digging of a moat, and two sniffer dogs (named Mogga and Marra) which act as an early warning against invading Moor'uns due to their ability to detect the odour of a Cleator Pie from 2 miles away.
- Nico, Universally acclaimed for the invention of the Bangkok sequence
- Curly, the magic elf, who if you jizz in his eye, he grants your three wishes. Can be found lurking around the shithole that is Barrow-in-Furness. (Don't go there, they don't like strangers)
- William Wordsworth That poet that liked daffodils. And not much else
- That Melvyn fella... On second thoughts he's not really all that famous.
- John Peel (but not THE John Peel)
- Alan Shearer, of Newcastle United infamy, was born in a fishing boat on Whitehaven harbour.
- John Ruskin - 19th writer, famous Luddite who opposed mechanisation and machines, now lives in a gothic tower made of sheep wool at the top of Scafell Pike and secretly controls the thoughts of 98% of Cumbrians using string and pigeons.
- Stan Laurel, who was born in Ulverston-in-the-Furnace. But that was before the Anschluss so I guess he doesn't really count.
- Roxanne Pallett - apparently she's on something called 'the television'.
- BEATRIX POTTER!!!!!! I think...
- Mark Owen...he ran away from Manchester because his lover, Clockwork Orange, wants to take him to a swingers party.
- Oh hang on, I've got a good one!!!! Oh wait... No... No. Ignore me.
- Anna Ford - Newsreader and inventor of the Model "T"
- Timmy Mallet
- Shaun the Sheep
- Ken Dahl, brother of Roald, founder of the town bearing his name and discoverer of the famed mint cake. That's cake with mints in it.
Other famous Cumbrians of note are Nelson Mandela, the Ford Zodiac and the Great Wall of China. The reason for the being a sheer lack in famous Cumbrian people is because they are quite genuinely not allowed to broadcast with the accent they grew up with. This is because it makes you want to cut out your ear drums with a blunt pencil.
During the days of King Arthur Cumbria was an individual country inhabited by creatures such as sheep, bears, wookies and Jehova's Witnesses along with the indigenous population of original Cumbrians who evolved from Africans just after the first ice age. Soon this community formed its first Parliament and created a codified constitution. Articles in this constitution include:
- A marra (see below for definition) must marry at least 4 of his immediate relatives
- Workington Town RLFC must never win a game. Ever. They have so far obeyed this rule completely.
- A marra must own at least 5 sheep or be hanged
- Carlisle F.C must never play top flight football. (This law was flouted in 1974-1975 and resulted in a pitch invasion by sheep who were angry at the constitution being disobeyed by the club. As a result of this disruption, Carlisle were docked 23 points and were subsequently relegated. Twenty-three is also the number of letters in "Oh my God I can't believe you counted how many letters are in this sentence, I mean you could've at least stopped at the 'C' in 'Counted' due to that being the 23rd letter but you being the spaz you are you just carried on thinking that the total would somehow go down after a certain point!". Coincidence? I think maybe!!)
- Marras have the right to grow and supply any type of narcotic substance within the town of Penrith
- All minors must drink at least 4 quarts of Cumberland Ale a night or be faced with death by sheep mauling.
Interesting Facts Part Zero
Wheelbarrow-In-The-Furnace is used as a testing ground for genetically engineered Cumbrian mutants. As part of the Cumbrian Constitutiion, locals must brave the Main Street (lovingly referred to by the locals as 'Gaza Strip') to prove their worth as real Cumbrians.
The entire population of Whitehaven and most of West Cumbria have been found to be related to each other by at least a second cousin (not including step family, on the contrary, in Whitehead it is not uncommon to simply marry your siblings when your marriage does not work out).
The average pure bread Cumbrian is less likely to leave Cumbria than the French are of winning a war (0.0000027%). It is entirely possible for a Cumbrian never to leave his/her village in his/her lifetime, some say this is impossible as they would not be able to feed but this is no problem as most Cumbrians own large scale chicken/egg producing factories that are located underground.
Millom, located on the south west tip of Cumbria, is one of the county's success stories. It recently reached an agreement with Paramount pictures to be the setting of an as-yet-untitled post apocalyptic film, which would see 100 nuclear bombs dropped on the town. One resident was quoted as saying "I think it's a great idea- we keep it in the family good out here, but even so we'll only get about 10% of people with three heads, webbed hands and 14 toes, so a good dose of nuclear radiation will bring the town up. Plus it'll slow the sheep down probably so we don't have to keep them tied to a post outside the leisure centre"
Cumbrians think that the Penines are the tallest mountains "ow'r there"
Cumbria has the highest teenage birth rate within the UK. Currently at 200,000 under 14 year old mums it is only 600 off Australias record.
Famous Cumbrian town Kendal is famous for it's 'Famous Kendal Mint Cake'. Do not be fooled by this scam. It is nothing like cake. It is famous though, and really quite minty.
Keswick, where the first pencils in England were made. They weren't actually, they were made in Braithwaite but people from Keswick hadn't learnt to write that yet... So they just put 'Keswick' instead.
If you are lucky enough to visit any of the lovely places in Cumbria, you may notice that the locals speak in a strange language, supposedly a form of English. To the untrained ear, it sounds far more like Serbo-Croat or, latterly, Polish (as in the language, not the stuff you use to shine your shoes and NO, not dubbin), or, if you are from Appleby, Dobbin. This is because of exclusion from not only the word of modern, but the world of established English; so they developed a form of sub english which takes years to master.
The Cumbrian Fuck Paradox
In Cumbria, "fuck" can be a noun used to compare anything to. Any certain adjective or quality, positive or negative can in some way be compared to "fuck". Ugliness, beauty, speed, strength, intelligence, horniness over bestial creatures... the list is endless, but two things are always certain; "fuck" will always be, whatever the adjective describes it as being. Each time the phrase is used, a separate "fuck" is used as a basis. While a Cumbrian may describe one person as being "fit as fuck" and another as being "ugly as fuck" and his friend as being "stupid as fuck", the three fucks that are used to compare the attributes of his acquaintances are all different fucks, which each have unique personalities and traits. Think of each fuck as being like a little worm with a label of said adjective taped over its head. In other words, if you overhear a Cumbrian describing himself as being "hard as fuck" and are then described by the same Cumbrian as being "queer as fuck", don't assume that you have been compared to the same fuck as the Cumbrian compared you to. The Typical Cumbrian will use "as fuck" as a comparative for something an average of 6-8 times an hour and will more often than not be describing the level of physical attractiveness in a particular woman, sheep or rear end of a car.
Barrow (or Barra) is a town at the bottom corner of the Furnace, consisting mainly of the residue of coal and burnt bits that have collected there over the years. It makes big f****g submarines. People from Barra are pretty proud of this, but no-one else is overly impressed. In fact, people from Barra tend to be pretty proud of anything from Barra - pies, fat-men who became thinner, even that twat Emlyn Hughes. Everyone else ignores them. They like their rugby. And the fact that they're miles from the Marras up the coast. Many people in Barrow like to gather in the park, which you can enter through Abbey Road. These people then go forward to participate in activitys such as drinking a cider known as Omega, or Frosty Jacks and are said to cause havoc among the streets of Barrow. This is not of course true as these people can't actually move due to the substances consumed leaving them paralysed and foaming at the mouth. About 79% of all men in Barrow can not wipe their own arse, because of the steroids & water retention, they physically can not turn around & their arms are at a constant 45degree angle. You can spot them by their aggressive behaviour, skin tight t-shirts, terrible tribal tattoos, jelled hair & they take their tops off in any drinking establishment after 3 bottles of blue WKD.
Many Cumbrians take part in the annual sheep-throwing championships, a sport which has many people from 'darrn sarrrf' confused. It involves taking a sheep and throwing it as far as you can. The Prime Minister of Cumbria, known as Jesus, has attempted to stop sheep throwing for good, but the public revolted, so he held back from starting a genocide.
Spot the Dog
A newspaper competition based on the 'Spot the Ball' format, except you have to guess where the dog's nose is from the attitude of the sheep in the field. On a multi-roll-over week you can win extra cash if you can guess where the dog rolled over and what it was in. The best players use ancient chants, such as 'Come by' and loud repetitive whistling noises. However, be careful not to claim to be good at dogging, because that is something completely different.
This is an ancient Cumbrian sport that is played in remote areas. The only indication that a serious dogging session is going on is the large numbers car that are parked in fields, on fells, or in car parks. The sport often attracts betting syndicates, who will take wagers on who finishes first. Whlst being mostly a participation event, it also has a large spectator following. The spectators often stop on the roadside and watch the proceedings through great big binoculars for a better view. Summer is the favourite season for dogging, as that is when the specially bred dogs are in peak form. Other names for the sport are more obscure, and will not be understood by offcomers and southerners.
The population of Cumbria is mostly made of pensioners and teenagers. Which co-exist in not so much harmony. It is not quite understood exactly how society works in Cumbria, but we do know that it involves a lot of tourists. If you are considering becoming a teenager in Cumbria you should take up the following:
- Buying an umbrella- ... you'll know why when you get there.
- Spitting - to make you appear "hard as" and to fend off any lingering chavvs.
- Pregnancy- to appear easy and more accepted.
- Farming- a normality in this region.
- Swaggering in the rain- that's how they have fun.
- Drinking on moore row- A 'fun' activity.
- Hanging around at bus stops in the ran- Hope you remembered the umbrella.
- Popping off for a quick visit to you're nannas for a cuppa- Precious family times.
If you come into contact with any pensioners in Cumbria, do not attempt to get too close or feed them, they have been known to get frustrated and buck, with a lot of fist waving. Also do not say anything against the Conservatives or in support of racial or sexual minorities, for fear of them acting out.