National Try To Assassinate The President Day
National Try To Assassinate The President Day is a holiday celebrated in The United States. It used to fall on May 22, but for some unexplained reason, it was moved to the 15th of April, coincidentally, the same day you pay your taxes!
Origins
In 1864, United States President Abraham Lincoln was re-elected President, just barely defeating General Mayor McCheese. One of his first acts after the election was to free all the blacks. This, as one would expect, was a very unpopular decision. John Wilks Booth, a deranged hooker, fucked Lincoln in the ass while he was watching a play ( apparently over his emancipation of slaves, his prejudice towards actors in general, and also because he really, really hated apple pie. Americans were so overjoyed at Lincoln's death that they made April 14 "National Try To Assassinate The President Day" in honor of the event. Though it was moved to the 15th, it remains popular to this day--even to the President himself--due to Jack Bauer's amazing skill in stopping any attempts. Bauer considers "National Try To Assassinate The President Day" a field day.
Famous NTTATPD Assassination Attempts
- In 1886, the infamous Home Row gang tried to assassinate the Escape Key during its Inagural Address; the attempt failed, however, when the Any key could not be found.
- In 2006, Garfield assassinated himself when he temporarily believed his comic strip to be repetitive and un-funny. Unfortunately, The Supreme Court ruled that suicide doesn't count, leading to thousands of reversals of bet winners.
- Because most televisions commercially available in the 1960's were black and white, members of the Ku Klux Klan staged an elaborate lynching of Kermit the Frog. Upon finding out that he was actually green, they killed him anyway, citing "religious differences".
- In 1947, King Kong was killed by animal rights activists who thought that he was actually a man wearing monkey skin all the time.
- Both of Grover Cleveland's presidencies were ended by successful assassinations.
- Everyone who was president before 1910 was assassinated by natural causes.
- Various attempts were made to assassinate Calvin Coolidge, none of which succeeded due to his immortality. However, National Try To Assassinate The President Day was on the rebound.
- In 1924, Chico Marx had the misfortune of being the president hi on April 22, leading to the fully acknowledged return of National Try To Assassinate The President Day. He was simultaneously assassinated by over six million people.
- In 1900, Oscar Wilde was pushed off the Eiffel Tower. His last words were made up. He retained the presidency, however, due to him being his own vice president.
- Bob Dole was assassinated in 1995. Even though he never became the president, Nostradamus decreed that he would become president in 1996, and so his death counts as a presidential assassination.
- In 1999, Hillary Clinton kicked the shit out of Bill Clinton. He survived, but is now widely regarded as "that president that got his ass whooped by a girl".
- In the aftermath of the 2000 US presidential election, Chad Hanging from Florida was assassinated after a group of space aliens, upon asking "take me to your leader", could not find anyone in all of Florida who had any idea who actually won the election.
- In 2006, Dick Cheney, training for NTTATPD, had Bush in his sights. Sadly, his sights were crooked and he missed, but happily he shot a lawyer instead.
- In 2016, after the drone program became sentient and denounced violence, Barack Obama tried to assassinate president elect Donald Trump by putting cameras in his microwaves Faraday cage.
- In 2017, Donald Trump assassinated his own character with a series of 34,700 inane tweets that made him look distracted and uninterested in learning more about the presidency from experts.
Disclaimer
Any and all threats made against the President of the United States or in any way relating to the President, his family, his staff, his wife, the family of his staff or even that guy he knew back in college will be considered a clear and present danger by Tom Clancy's ghost and the Secret Svc. The (US)SS seriously pursues all such alleged threats, although the organization does not perform any illegal wire-tapping, shadowing, or intimidation - God Forbid. By the way, your water bill is 8% higher this month, probably because the toilet tank leaks into the bowl.
Quotes
“In Soviet Russia, the President assassinates YOU!!”
“Where is the president? I shall tell you. We have killed him – you and I. All of us are his murderers.”
“This holiday sends the false message that the president should be assassinated only on one day of the year. In fact, presidential assassinations should occur whenever they possibly get the chance.”
“I hope the President enjoys his AIDS!”
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