Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/April 22

April 22: National Try To Assassinate The President Day (United States of America), Mars Day (Mars)

• 1,200,000,000,000,000,000 BCE - The planet Mars is born.
• 1,199,999,999,999,999,999 BCE - The planet Mars loses all its liquid water, all life dies out although there's none, and the planet turns red.
• 4,514,159,265 BCE - Earth becomes a hot lava ball in the middle of nowhere.
• 8000 BCE - Mars, the Roman god of war, is born. He is named after the planet.
• 1188 - The Earth cools down and life multiplies way too quickly and ruins the entire planet.
• 1420 - Johannes Gutenberg becomes a father. He names his firstborn son "Steve".
• 1609 - Council of Antes declares that peas will henceforth be eaten with a fork.
• 1882 - First obscene phone call made; crude equipment mandates heavy breathing when careless whispers can not be heard.
• 1900 - Families all over the world clamor for Jell-O for their just desserts.
• 1962 - Lee Harvey Oswald fucks up his first attempt to kill JFK so badly the attempt goes unnoticed until 1986, when a remodeling crew fixes the bullet hole.
• 1970 - The Partridge Family thinks it loves you, but what is it so afraid of?
• 1970 - An Environmental Teach-In attempts to celebrate Earth Day. The event was a miserable failure because it was discovered that Earth was actually created on September 26.
• 1999 - Meatloaf declares that he would do anything for love, but under no circumstance would he do that. It turns out that 'that' refers to painting himself black and impersonating Al Jolson.
• 2002 - WWE star "The Rock" invents the ability to refer to himself in the fifth person, negating the need for the 1st, 2nd 3rd and 4th references.
• 2003 - A pretzel tries to assassinate president George W. Bush. The pretzel is arrested and later executed by garbage disposal.
• 2022 - Darth Vader gets his voice box fixed after decades of agony.