Massachusetts Institute of Technology
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The Massachusetts Institute of Technology, or MIT, is a former place of education. It had a storied history as a school for talented engineers, but in approximately 1980 it replaced the concept of undergraduate education with that of certifying students with their patented CPST (Capacity for Pain and Self Torture) rating. Its satellite campus Caltech is most well known for Frank Capra who, discovering his Caltech chemical engineering degree was worthless, became a director, and made It's A Wonderful Life, the first modern slasher film. In order to be admitted, you must be Asian, Indian or African American (in order to gain sympathy) (see what I did there?). If you're of another ethnicity, please submit a check of 10000000 USD to MIT in order for them to kiss your ass and admit you.
Capacity for Pain and Self Torture ratings
The deans of the institute realized that industry was not interested in the intelligence or hard-working character of the students; these characteristics were secondary to their ability to impose massive amounts of suffering on themselves in exchange for societal rewards.
The industry liked hiring people from MIT, knowing they were very likely to work 80+ hours a week doing difficult and inane work for simple rewards like prestige, a paycheck, or having the padlock taken off the outside of their cubi-cell. However, these companies would occasionally hire an actual bright, inquisitive, and curious youth who would tend to sit on green lawns proving math theorems or pondering linguistics -- a disastrous waste of resources. To prevent this kind of awful tragedy, MIT instituted the CPST scale. Here are some examples of how this (logarithmic) rating is scaled.
- 1 point: This individual cannot be coerced into working. Possibly catatonically depressed or on a debilitatingly strong dose of ketamine.
- 2 points: Can be prodded into work with nothing less than a bayonet. Economically, the effort spent inducing them to work will always outweigh the benefit of the work obtained.
- 3 points: Has the work potential and stamina of an emaciated donkey. Might be useful if you can string a couple of dozen of them into a chain gang.
- 4 points: Will work strenuously when you are looking. When you look away, they will resume their bong hits within 14 picoseconds.
- 5 points: Fast food industry standard. Will work consistently, but at the minimum amount needed to prevent them from being chastized by their superiors.
- 6 points: Work ethic still poor, but can be trusted to perform acts of self humiliation (like saying "Welcome to Wal-Mart! It's great to see you!" over 200 times per hour.)
- 7 points: Approaching "Teacher's pet" level. Does more work than required, generally starts overacheiving -- but doesn't have heart in it.
- 8 points: Insufferable son of a bitch. Will answer all of teacher's questions and will turn in homework on homemade paper written in gold calligraphy pen.
- 9 points: Will not sleep for weeks on command. Subject will cut themselves and hold their hands over a lit flame for 10 minutes at a time if their employer hints they like that sort of thing.
- 10 points: The subject has the energy of a person having a manic episode -- but it is focused entirely on pleasing their master. This formerly human individual has renounced pleasure, family, sleep, and food so they can serve (boss/thesis adviser/drill sergeant) -- all because he hinted at the possibility of an extra 50 cents, 35 pence, or around 45 of that currency no one really cares about from somewhere in europe per hour for a good performance on the next project.
The CPST rating is determined by how long a subject will suffer painful electroshocks in exchange any of the following items: a dollar, a glowing recommendation from a prestigious professor, or 10 extra percentage points on an exam.
The CPST testing scheme has been a phenomenal success in the business world. The MIT Computer Science department, its developer, has already won the Nobel Prize for Economics for the innovation. (On awarding the prize, the panel said they regretted that it could not be given multiple times for the same Economic breakthrough -- the department by rights should have won a decade's worth of awards for the CPST.)
MIT was forged with the proverbial "Blood and Iron" of Count Otto von Bismarck as the final stage of his elaborate machinations for the unification of Germany in 1871 following the epic 3-week Franco-Prussian War. Seeing the last threat to his new country's superiority as the ambitions of foreign powers, Bismarck began covert instigations of malaise within the legendary Harvard University, the only Imperial Power with enough intellectual clout to topple the German Empire, in the hopes that it would destroy itself.
With craftiness, Bismarck funneled enormous sums of money into Harvard's coffers on the condition that the University use it solely for the purpose of masquerade balls and other social friviolities involving the interaction of the sexes. As Bismarck planned, the members of HOTI, the Harvard Obselescent Technology-Imperial domain, became even more disaffected than usual in the face of this new oppurtunity to showcase their social ineptitude, and immediately began plans for a bloody uprising. Using their engineering skills, the "HOTies", as they were afffectionately called by the Humanities, Medical, and Law Proctectorates, constructed war machines of a magnitude not seen since the ancient Germanic tribes domesticated dogs and and learned to control fire.
So began the The Harvard Civil War, or the War of Technical Secession. The Hoties unleashed a maelstorm that inflicted tremendous, ghastly casualties on the Harvardian Empire's frontline troops, the Classics majors, that inspired disturbing, shell-shocked dadaesque poetry for years to come. Needless to say, the Hoties were successful, and, bloody but victorious, moved 2 miles down the road and set up their utopian vision for the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.
Since then, under the guidance of the Immortal Hapsburg God-Emperor Maximilien VII, the institution has become the last vestige of the Hapsburg family's influence in international politics, with its tentacle-like grip on American finances ensuring that vast amounts of money pour into the institution instead of towards more productive undertakings, to the point that massive construction of underground tunnels, pipelines, and even an aquifer for the specific transport of American and international currency into MIT could be kept at sufficient levels to keep American interests away from the Hapsburgs. It's influence is growing, spreading to the West Coast with it's acquisition of the California Institute of Technology in 1984.
MIT has recently been associated with the practice of letting persons of a lesser mental ability to work in a normal office. These people sometimes FAIL regularly, but are allowed to continue as they may lose several limbs in the near future. MIT, is derived from the Kazakhstan word for "Pizza bag".
The Lesser MIT's Culture
One of the key features of the lesser MIT is its massive tunnel system which was built to direct the massive flow of money throughout the various parts of the campus. While much of the money pipeline has been replaced by e-Commerce it is believed that there are still some active money tubes. The result of this belief is Roof and Tunnel Hacking in which people search for the mythical active money tubes. To the knowledge of the author none have been found but it has spawned an active and distinct subculture.
First and foremost it has propogated a healthy fear of the sun, the outside and all things related to nature. In many dorms all aspects of life are accessible from indoors and knowledge of the outside world has faded. For those not fortunate enough to live in East Campus many can still stay indoors by sleeping in one of the many neglected corners of the campus. As a result of such long term confinement many have formed theories about the current state of the outside world. These include:
- The outside world is uninhabitable due to nuclear holocaust. The primary source is Noam Chomsky, CNN interviews with President Bush as well as the classic documentary Dr Strangelove.
- The outside world is inhospitably cold as the world has entered a new ice age. This is the only theory that has some anecdotal evidence supporting it but much of the belief comes from the lesser MIT research which makes the basis for the documentary The Day After Tommorrow
- There is no outside world. The lesser MIT is contained within the subbasement of an even more respectable institution (likely the real MIT) and that it is just another layer of control. Tne original theorists claim these revelations were sent to them by a hacker named Trinity who messaged their computers. Critics cite the fact that many of these theorists use the word Trinity as a colloquialism for LSD as counter prrof of this theory.
Secondly it has brought about a number of unique traditions:
- IHTFP: The mysterious acronym often used bythe lesser MIT's students. Research funded by the American Association of Toilet Makers has confirmed inequivocably that it mean "I have to F***ing Pee" and is the average lesser MIT's student's way of saying "Buy more toilets".
- Reg Day Sacrifice: The lesser MIT is well known for many official archiac traditions like the continued existance of paper registration. During this day a few active students go to the holy altar of bureaucracy removal (Beleived to be somewhere under building 20) and sacrifice a goat. No one is entirely sure why people think this will make Reg Day go away but some believe that the tradition started when a stray goat wandered under building 20 on Reg Day and died in the steam tunnels. As a result of the biohazard Reg Day was cancelled and the administration used modern methods to get the job done. However beleivers discount this theory because if it is true it proves that such action will never work again as the administration has long since forgotten about inmate welfare. Moreover disbelievers claim this thoery is wrong because the institute never cared about the inmate welfare.
- Tuition Riot: This has never existed and never will, it is pure administration propoganda. The myth, like 9/11 was initially created to justify the use of tear gas, riot police, and corporal punishment against the peaceful protesters of the 1960's and 1970's. The most notorious incident was during the vehement 1976 "Equal Rights for Chuch of Athena Excommunicatees" in which the LMBYWAFCUYPOP (Lesser MIT's Beat You With A Fucking Club Until You Pass Out People) severly clubbed protesters and their beavers. The victims sent a full report to the UN Human Rights Commision. When asked what justification the Institute had for such brutality, the administration responded with "No they didn't pose a threat of violence but their views differed with ours and they were really REALLY annoying." The UN vote was tight but the deciding vote come from Libya who went on record saying "It is the opinion of the UN that such actions are always permissibilbe when people hold annoying different opinions." Queen Susan I reinstituted the practice in 2005 claiming that it amused her to see inmates get severly beaten. She also noted that alumni donations have risen steeply since the policy was reinstated.
- Baker Piano Drop: A piano is dropped off of Baker's roof on Drop Date to land on an ever so fortunate student who has dropped all his classes and is too embarrassed to return home to his parents.
- Pumpkin Drop: Similarly, there is an annual pumpkin sacrifice during Halloween weekend, in which several pumpkins are frozen in liquid nitrogen and dropped off of one of the buildings on campus. This has only resulted in five casualties since its inception.
Famous Inventions from the lesser MIT
- The lesser MIT's biggest contribution was the invention of the russian reversal. Like so many things it wasn't actually invented at the lesser MIT, the American government decided to steal the idea from Russia and attribute it to the lesser MIT. They did so in the following press release "Researchers at the real AND ONLY MIT have invented the perfect joke. In Soviet Russia joke invents YOU !!1. It was later used by the American government to divert attention away from Ronald Reagan's little known Cresecnt Scandal.
- As one can see above the lesser MIT's founding department: 13 year old AOLing and Engineering (a.k.a. Course 1337) is responsible for the very influential 1337 speak which has surpased both Esperanto, BSD and God in influence and assumed the role as the greatest ever result of academic incest.
- 12V Pizza warming insulin bag - One of the greatest inventions of the 3rd Century AM (AM, After MIT) is responsible for the downfall of the Roman Empire. Julius Mitus bought 3 million while in a insulin induced dream state and broke the Roman Empires financial system. When questioned at a later date in the now renowned Priory Rehab Unit, he admitted that he had made a grave mistake in thinking that people needed to keep their pizza warm while in the car for 5 minutes. To this day there are still 2.99 million Pizza bags in rubbish dumps around the Globe.
- Norovirus was invented at the MIT Biological Engineering laboratory known as Maseeh Dining, where it has been distributed to students as a public demonstration on numerous occasions to celebrate the lab's successes.
The Undergraduate education consists of some 70 majors in Engineering, the pure sciences, business, and the political sciences, combined powerfully with mandatory supplementary material from the school of Marquis de Sade to create well-balanced individuals.
The most important class requirement is taking at least one humanities class each term, but it turns out that half of the "humanities" classes are just technical classes in disguise.
Almost all classes are taught by full professors that break up into study seminars supervised by Teaching Assisstants. Halfway through the study seminars a break is taken on the model of the orgy-porgy in Aldous Huxley's Brave New World
All other classes are taught in the alien-superior TEAL format, which involves downloading the internet into your brain for two hours at at time. This process is often compared to being stabbed repeatedly over the course of many years with a spoon. The information gained is similarly painful.
Graduate students are a wide variety a students loitering around academic institutions instead of getting real jobs. They are a widely varied group characterized primarily by the degree they are pursuing.
Types of Grad Students
- MBA Students - MBA students are apprentices of a nameless shadowy criminal organization formed by a group of pickpockets, swindlers and other petty criminals for the sole purpose of discovering new and innovative ways to steal money from other people. They are recognized by flashy clothes, an obsessive desire to start pointless conversations, business card assault, and extreme mathematical ineptitude.
- Myths: Despite the fact that they wear expensive clothes they do not have money. The reason they dress so well is because one of the MBA rites of passage is robbing a clothing store. Extra credit is given if the MBA student can frame the store clerk.
- Masters of Engineering Students - MEng students is a feeder program for the [MBA]] comprised of people who either failed out of or were rejected from the MBA program. Since their failure was typically an overabundance of morality it was decreed that all those with potential for evil be sentenced to 1 year with scientists and engineers. The program was designed to breed discontent and hatred of humanity. It has thus far been remarkably successful.
- Doctor of Philosophy Students - In a mandated uniform of tattered jeans, white shirts and assorted accessories that hasn't been popular in a decade the PhD student is the cornerstone of any research institution. As such the school uses the strictest standards for their selection. Since they're primary function is to bolster the reputation and funding of their research advisor they are judged by the following criterion:
- Nerdy Appearance - In this category acne and glasses are a must. Extra points are given for horrible hair styles, blood shot eyes, facial asymmetry, disfigurement, and asianess.
- Nonsensicalness - A PhD student must know how to spew nonsense at a rapid rate in order to confuse both funding agencies and his research advisor. Extra points are given for the ability to make confusing graphs, buzzword density of speech, ability to contradict oneself seamlessly, and the ability to create new words on the spot.
- Stressfulness - A good PhD student should always look like they're on the verge of a mental breakdown. Extra points are given for insomnia, nail biting, blood shot eyes, twitching, and pale complexion.
- Minitiarization of Mechanical Operators,
- Thesis "Small scale derivative and integral fabrication. Scaling mathematics at the same rate as technology."
- Computer-Human Interaction,
- Thesis "Viral Trojans: An danger analysis of keyboard transmitted infection (KTI)"
- Biomedical Engineering and Robotics,
- Quantum Mechanics and Computer Engineering,
- Civil Engineering and Fashion Design,
- "Fashionable Strength: An analysis of the alarming correlation between fashion dress and the ability for bridge designs to reproduce"
- Theoretical Mathematical Modeling of Evolutionary Systems
- Thesis "Darwinistist Notation: An analysis of the defining factors of notation and standard survivablity"
- Acoustic Harmonics in Relation to Weaponized Advertizing
- Thesis "Understanding emotional harmonics and applying them to advertising"
There is a network of underground tunnels connects many of the main campus buildings so that its students need never to go outside. Except for one week MIT is a place where it rains every single day. The heavy power consuming weather machine is fired up once a year during the CPW in order to decisive the prospective students during which the weather is sunny and perfect. There is a detector in the sky that detects whether you are wearing formal clothes, and the if trigger, it rains twice as hard. The food on campus is non like you have experienced. The five star dining hall prices are coupled with the one star food quality. Don't be suprised if you are found eating the monotone same meal daily. On the bright side, if you are a pro cook, you have an instant advantage over the other "underprivileged", "undernourished" students.
The Campus Facilities have been in a constant self-righteous struggle since 1955 (when Kresge Auditorium was built) to keep the grass alive on Kresge Field. This is the sole purpose of the existence of the Facilities organization, so it is of utmost importance to never let the grass fully recover, else the disbandment of Facilities. As a result, any time the grass is close to recovering, the team subversively organizes a large event on the field to trample the grass, then steals toxic waste from nearby labs and dumps it on the field in the middle of the night.
Relationship with the City
MIT owns half of the property in Cambridge, officially making the city its bitch. MIT regularly demonstrates its dominance by setting off fire alarms when there is no fire and causing blackouts, the largest of which took down all of New England and part of the Mid Atlantic.