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California Institute of Pyrotechnology
MIT Seal
Motto Arbeit macht frei.
Established 1891
School type Public
Head Trogdor
Location Suburbia, California, USA
Campus Yellow
Endowment One dollar
Faculty 12 Monkeys
Mascot Dragons

“Your vanity is ridiculous, your conduct an outrage, and your presence in my garden utterly absurd.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Caltech

Your vanity is ridiculous, your conduct an outrage, and your presence in my garden utterly absurd.

~ Donald Knuth on Caltech

I fucking love Caltech and Caltech loves fucking me

~ student on Caltech

The California Institute of Pyrotechnology, also known as Caltech or occasionally Calpyro, is a college in southern Suburbia. It is well-known for its entirely non-human population. It is one of the worst places known to man and is MIT's pimp. It's also unbearably emo.


Most of the students' lab work consists of attempting to set buildings on fire. The fireproof Blacker Laboratory of Pyrotechnics is the main venue set aside by the administration for this activity. However, students will often try their luck elsewhere. Nevertheless, due to the buildings' high intelligence and mobility, not a single one has so far been burned down, and therefore no student has yet graduated from Caltech. Caltech is most well known for Frank Capra who, discovering his Caltech chemical engineering degree was worthless, became a director, and made It's A Wonderful Life, the first modern slasher film.

Caltech offers Degrees of Burnination for the following programs:

  • Gas Fires
  • Burnination of Serfs and Peasants of The Modern Age And How To Get Away With It While Getting Rich
  • Ultimate Burnination
  • Forest Fires
  • Fireworks
  • Knight Evasion
  • Fire-Breathing
  • Pissing On Fire Hydrants
  • Sofa Fires
  • Setting Yourself on Fire
  • Fire Trucks
  • Setting the Fire Station On Fire
  • Taming Dalmatians
  • Tax Evasion
  • TV/VCR Repair

Students who do exceptionally well in any of the above fields are given the following distinctions of increasing severity:

  • 1st Degree Burns: For achievements in being foolish enough to set yourself on fire.
  • 2nd Degree Burns: For achievements in being able to at least set the campus shrubbery on fire.
  • 3rd Degree Burns: For achievements in burning down not only Caltech, but the campus of the pirates (*cough* Harvard *cough*) as well.

Student life[edit]

The student population of Caltech consists entirely of moles, gophers, and beavers, as well as specialized mathemagicians designed to look like the former, and therefore much of the student life revolves around burrowing activities. The burrows of Caltech students are kept significantly warmer than room temperature by an intricate system of water heating, which promotes fire formation, an important feature for the many students who actually try to complete their coursework. Still, buildings are pretty good at jumping out of the way if they feel unusual warmth. The burrows also have an above-ground component, often referred to as "houses." At the beginning of each year, new students are sorted into the various houses by a perfectly transparent process known as Rotation. This process derives its name from the fact that the students are selected into each house by throwing darts at a rotating dartboard.

The students have developed an intricate code of etiquette. Violators of the code are usually forced to shower as a punishment, something Caltech students consider an unnecessary and time-consuming process.

The majority of the exorbitant tuition fees are placed into the "Caltech Cannon Recovery Fund". The fund's sole purpose is to waste money on buying a new cannon for Caltech every time pirates steal their old one. Maybe if they actually spent the money on better security, this fund would not be necessary.

Borat Visit Campus of Caltech Full of Smart People Find Better Way Make Potassium[edit]

Jak sie masz? My name a-Borat and I bring my sister to Caltech make a sexy-time with lonely smart people. I expect she do well, she number 4 prostitute in all of Kazakhstan! I also go visit friend, Azamat, who tell me how to get more potassium. I ask Azamat, if I marry Californian girl, and a-make her prostitute, will she a... make money buy better potassium?

Well ah, Azamat, he get mad, he throw Borat out window, never talk again. I a-wonder, he no want share Californian wife?

In lab, student in Caltech have fun... with fire! Like game back in Kazakhstan where we take cat out to field and set on fire, then have big party!

Borat want to learn more about fire games here, he try to fill out application, but SAT only score of 17. He try bribe President Trogdor for admission with goat, chicken and bag of hair from pubis. And Trogdor say, 'I like! I burninate!' And Borat study at Caltech, with major of burnination! Is much better than major of 'gas fires'. Is for little girls.

One day, Borat will a-invite Trogdor back to Kazakhstan, go burninate Jewtown!

Chenqui! Goodbei!

Dating & Relationships[edit]

Many Caltech nerds have heard of this mythical ritual known as "sex" and are eager to try it, but none so far have been able to successfully initiate this ritual. In fact, many "Techers" now believe that "sex," with female humans at least, is merely a myth and not something that will happen within their lifetime. See Virginity. The fact that -24% of the Caltech population is female probably does not help. However, many Techers keep animals such as goats as pets on campus. When faced with an actual female human once a Techer leaves campus, he/it will probably sputter, ask why she has a proportionally bigger chest (he/it won't notice the flat crotch though since Techers are pretty flat there themselves), and then his head will asplode once he realizes she is female.

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