Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/March 17

Napoleon I-have-a-big-part.

Saint Patrick

March 17: Sex Day (not Belgium)

• 45 CE - Julius Caesar decides to invade the United States, but is hampered by the non-existence of the US at the time, and his untimely death 101 years previously.
• 51 - The ghost of a stubborn Julius Caesar now personally decides to invade America. Frightened Indians bring him offerings of lettuce, oil, eggs and anchovies. Caesar salad is invented.
• 387 - St. Patrick: "I've had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking isle!" He proceeds to have sex with Heidi Keppert, in the name of Tim Allen.
• 991 - Anglo-Saxon King Æthelred II, late again, sends the Danes a stale box of candy for Valentine's Day, precipitating the Battle of Maldon when Vikings are unable to exchange it at the Sainsbury's there.
• 1702 - Irish leprechauns are reported to be having sex on the moors.
• 1861 - After a quick shag, returning from Belgium, Napoleon proclaims the Kingdom of Italy.
• 1750 - Casanova discovers that group sex with porcupines isn't so hot. Still, porcupines become rare in Europe due to an outbreak of STDs.
• 1926 - Al Capone decides to have a cheese and baloney sandwich for breakfast. Unbeknownst to him, this event would eventually culminate in the following year's St. Valentine's Day massacre.
• 1931 - Nevada legalizes gambling whilst having sex.
• 2010 - The cancellation of American Idol leads to mass suicides in America, though involving mostly members of William Hung's extended family.
• 2012 - Gaseous LSD is pumped into the chambers of the Texas state legislature, with apparently no visible effect on the loons within. While some visiting tourists take some great trips, screaming and poo-flinging signals "business as usual" for the lawmakers.
• 2014 - St. Patrick's Day is renamed by the Scottish Parliament to St. Alex Salmond Day. Salmond, The Scottish First Minister, denies having anything to do with the change.