Saint Patrick

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Saint Patrick of The Guinness

St. Patrick, patron saint of Alcohol, was the first Martian to set foot in Ireland. After hearing about a peaceful new religion sprouting up on Earth, he left his war-mongering planet in search of enlightenment. Unfortunately, he was kidnapped by space pirates and enslaved for 6 years, before hijacking a ship and crash landing in Ireland. There, he discovered beer, and within a few hours of drinking came up with the idea that God was in fact three people yet one, like a clover.

People choose to honour him on March 17 by wearing green clothing to imitate his green alien skin, and drink copious amounts of alcohol until they see god and one equaled three. St Patrick requested that all the town drunks gathered and met in Ireland and they did, but never left.

Saint Patrick Swayze

Saint Patrick is also credited with driving all the Norwegians out of Ireland. It seems that for centuries, the Norwegians were going to Ireland, to escape the bitter Norwegian winters. At first, they weren't a problem, but eventually there were so many of them that they were eating all the fish the Irish could catch, and using up so many potatoes to make lefse, that they caused a rather well-known famine. So the Irish formed a secret society, called IRATION: the Irish Republican Army To rid Ireland Of Norwegians. First, they tried cutting off all the power to the Norwegian homes, so the fish in the Norwegian refrigerators would spoil. That accomplished precisely nothing; Norwegians thrive on rotten fish. So then they tried sprinkling the rotten fish with lye, hoping to poison the Norwegians. That didn't accomplish anything, either; all the Irish did was make the Norwegian delicacy, lutefisk. So finally, St. Patrick flew to the Norwegians on a flying nimbus, and told all the Norwegians to GO TO HELL! And that is why there are Norwegians in North Dakota.

St. Patrick also appeared in many well-received movies, including Dirty Dancing, Roadhouse, and Ghost. It is widely acknowledged that his career peeked at his recording of "She's Like The Wind." These cinematic accomplishments have warranted St. Patrick with a day dedicated to his honor.

He had a unusual infatuation with green, see Autism.

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