Manning
“Mannings both look and feel like fun”
“I own a pet shop... We don't sell Manning's”
“They really are the must have fashion accessory for 2008, i am getting 12 this christmas, one for each 'Manning™-Fur handbag!”
“Look, stop, your so immature, i dont want to go out with him!”
“Hmm, here we see a 'Manning' trying to wank off over me?!”
“Beep, Beep!”
Introduction[edit]
A Manning (Manningus Manningus) is a small grey-furred species of monkey, these 'Mannings' are usually found dwelling by the Oceans of TCC (the cold countries), if they are not there but somewhere else (for example in a dense forest or zoo) this is because they are scared of the ocean or more specifically the creatures that coexist there; Crabs, Lice, Tits (blue tits mainly) and Pussy Cats, although attracted to these creatures they are afraid that they will reject them and try to fight them for territory.
History[edit]
The first Manning was created by artificial insemination between a goat and an aubergine on the 12th May 1992. Due to technical problems, the love child had to be brewed in a vat, which needed constant stirring and injection of nutrients. The grey colouration in the fur are the result of inconsistent stirring. Once mature, the mixture was strained and the radioactive sludge was compressed so the particles came together, giving the distinctive Manning appearance. The first Manning (Manningus Manningus) was named Callum Charles after the two (considered insane) boffins who were mainly responsible for the nurturing of the Manning solution in the reproductive vat, until able to alk on his own four legs, then he was hand reared and slept in a paper bag by night and in a pet shop window by day for 26 months before being spotted by gerald (an actual gay) who is now his manager.
Manning-Hunt - sport[edit]
A Manning-Hunt is the "cruel and barbaric" procedure in which a wild Manning is 'beaten' out of his hiding place in a nearby wood or bush and is chased by mini-people on dog-back. The Manning-hunt took place every sunday at 7:30PM (when the Manning's are getting sleepy), but luckily the manning discrimination act of 1997 now puts a stop to all legal hunts, illegal hunts (underground hunts) take place in down-town thurston and are usually on late at night when the city manning's are searching for food in local trashcans. The penalty for hunting Manning's for sport is 500 pennies and a slap on the wrist, many gangsters from downtown-thurston have had this penalty many times and are not afraid of being caught and charged any more. Some may argue that the rising population of mannings due to the manning discrimination act has now lead to farmers losing part of their crops due to Manning's urinating and defecting on their crops and also Thurston residents losing their daughters and / or sons virginity to wild manning's that would have been dealt with generations ago, unfortuanately for some the Manning became a protected species in 2004 and it is now considered killing for sport if you kill a Manning on your land or nearby.
Characteristics[edit]
The Manning as a species do not often venture outside, this may be due to their declining population, the remaining population generally are domestic pets or, as recent surveys show, used for labour the wild population live in small troops (groups.
Manning's try not to socialise with humans whenever possible.
Known Facts (of which there are not many)[edit]
His fetishes include male breasts (preferably hairy), melting dildos after he has used them and using them to singe his pubes, and colouring in his hair by applying creosote to his partner's penis. He has (or had) an anus hymen but once sat on a drawing pin, puncturing it, spraying Manning blood everywhere. His penis is small and is often mistaken for singed pubes (how to tell the difference: the 'penis' has a thick layer of grease (and may have a metal nail lodged up there) if it is pulled back. He is a practising Muslim and makes clay models of Mohammed when he is not hax0ring or masturbating. He still collects YuGiOh cards.
He is hypersexual and needs vigorous sexual stimulation every 2 hours or so or else his minuscule pea-sized testicles may explode, covering the Manning in a sticky embarrassing mess. He is prone to public displays of masturbation and has been featured on YouTube many times (althought the bastards removed the video citing it as PORN?!). However he combats his frequent leaks by hammering a nine inch nail down his jap's-eye to stop all flow of monkey juice. This also provides his sexual stimulation he desires, or banishes them completely (we still do not know), so the rare Manning species has effectively killed two birds with one stone. Do well!
The elusive Manning spends all his spare time trying to hax0r into some guy called Brian's computer system and wanking over various girls younger than he is, usually between the ages of 6 and 9. Mannings learn human languages with great difficulty, with the notable exception being 1337sp34k.
Mannings are often attracted to the ocean, in hope for a swim in their warm and lubricating waters. For this reason, mannings are very useful if you intend to go swimming in the ocean yourself, since they will obey everything you say in hope of a swim for a reward.
The Manning feeds often on magnesium, processed cheeses, stale biscuits and seminal fluids, often for a small donation which he hopes to exchange for a swim
Mannings are predominantly grey although certain species are stripy, due to inbreeding.
The Tilawi Tribe[edit]
The tilawi's are very fond of the wild-Manning. They were introduced to their island of Nowatuse on the 9th may 2003 and have settled in rather well as the locals see them as gifts from the gods (LOL) and are fattening them up with all the fruits they can find, the Mannings however think they are being worshiped, unfortuanately for them they can not even be accepted by the most wild of beings in the most remote place in the world.
Manning in Mathematics[edit]
A Manning is actually a mathematical equation, not much is known about this though, the proof of this is;
M = 13, A = 1, N = 14, N = 14, I = 9, N = 14 and G = 7
M+A+N+N+I+N+G = 63
63 is the average age of most Mannings, this is the reason for their grey hair, 63 is also a number, 63 is also the number of letters in the word Manning if you write it out 9 times, I own 9 Mannings and they all go by the name callum, i like this name as mathematically speaking;
C = 3, A = 1, L = 12, L = 12, U = 21 and M = 13
C+A+L+L+U+M = 172
172 is the number of Mannings my slave Mannings own as pets and / or slaves, 172 is also 43 multiplied by 4, and coincidently 4 is the amount of times I have to whip a Manning, when I am training one, to get him to do what i want.
Uses for a Manning[edit]
- Mannings are (oddly, due to their brain size) good learners and have proven themselves very useful to Computer
geeksexperts attempting to Hax0r other computergeeksexperts.
- Mannings, apparently, make fairly good butlers and will wait on you hand and foot as long as you bribe them using bananas.
- A pet manning is not a good idea as they rarely like being petted and nealry always try to sneak away, especially if they see something shiny (see Gypsy)
- In case of emergency please pull small red cord and blow into the mouthpiece.
Known owners of A Manning™[edit]
Their are only a few people in the known world (see england) who own A live Manning™, this may be due to their expensive price (£5) and the limited stock available at 'Ebay-con-U', the known owners of Manning's™ so far are;
- Brad Pitt; adopted 1 Manning™ (no-one knows why)
- Britney Spears; owns 3 Manning's™ (they dance on the stage behind her)
- George Bush; owns 7 Manning's™ (all of which are put to work in Americas-defense specialist team)
- <insert name here>; owns 10 Manning's™ (all of which satisfy this person, sexually, ewwww!)
- Drmarsh; owns 9 Manning's™ (all his pet mannings own 172 each)
- Mary Poppins; owns 5 Manning's™ (because shes practically perfect in every way)
- Peyton Manning; not only owns three Manning's, but is actually a Manning himself. Also has a retarded Manning named Jim Sorgi.
= 1574 Manning's™
currently there are 245 Manning's™ left contact us quickly before they all get sold!!!
How to get one / Small print.[edit]
"I must get one, how do I do this?" I hear you cry, do not dispair...
Manning's™ coming to all good, great and shit domestic pet retailers near you!
Please send the small sum of £5 to animal_boy@hotmail.co.uk
(batteries not included).
lost, escaped or dead Manning's™ will not be refunded.
'Ebay-con-U' do not hold any responsibility for injuries that may occur from owning a Manning™, buy one at your own risk!
See also[edit]
 | Dear viewers, This garbage bin is, rather unfortunately, completely and utterly ape-shit crazy. Its flammableness and foreignness do nothing to aid this. The claptrap is ape-shit crazy, and reigns champion at the zoo. If you attempt to admonish this, you will (in a most unimpressed manner) become ape-shit crazy yourself. Or else the editors at Uncyclopedia will eat your kidney. |
