HowTo:Get into God's good books
First of all you must get one thing straight in your mind: you cannot, technically, 'get into' "God's" 'good books' because "God" has only got one 'good book' - "The Bible" - and that's already been 'written'. Nevertheless, appearing in a book which has already been written is not as much of a miracle as it may sound, and for those who are approaching this article with a literal idea of getting into books that have been written by God should skip straight to the section "How to get into a Book that's already been written."
Oh by the way, God is also reported to have written the Koran under the psuedonym "Allah", and he probably wrote something Jewish that isn't the Old Testament, I dunno. To determine whether any of these books - including the Bible - are actually any 'good' you will have to read, or perform your own, literary review.
How to get into God's BAD BOOKS
Genesis 1:1 'In the beginning there was the word... yada yada, skip skip, skee bap boo badoo bo I'm a scatman blah blah... and then God said unto Adam and Eve "Hey, you're free to do anything you want to, the World is a wonderful free place, it's your own personal free oyster to do whatever you want absolutely freely."
Having said this thus, lo, did he walk off across the Garden of Eden with a God-like swagger. And when he did almost reach the other side of the grove he did turnest much like Columbo might have done, and yay did he wag his majestic finger, pronouncing, "Oh one more thing. See that tree over there? The nicest juiciest fruitiest tree right in the centre of the garden? If you eat the fruit of that tree you will become a lot more like me. And I know how you look up to me and everything and admittedly it is better being me than it is being you.... anyway what I'm trying to say is that you can do anything you want to - you could bugger that sheep over there and I wouldn't bat an eyelid - but the one thing you can't do is eat that fruit off-o that-a tree. Even though it is really nice. Sound fair? Righty-o I'm off for a nap. I won't be looking at what's going on for a reasonable amount of time. Toodle-pip!"
flip flip skip skip... "mmmm what a lovely big python" said Eve... yap yap and the beat goes on la da di.... And so they ate the fruit off the Tree of Knowledge. At which point God jumped out from behind a bush and cried "BOO!"
"Oh hi God," saidest Adam. "What up, Dawg?"
"Thou hast betrayest me by eating mine favouritest fruit!" Whinged God.
"But don't you know exactly what everyone is going to do, being God and that? Isn't everything all part of your Divine Plan?" Said Eve.
"Never mind about that. And for back-chatting me I'm going to write a book defaming everyone who has boobies. For eating some fruit I am going to punish you both with death, illness, pestilence, war etc. And you Eve - you'll have to give birth to little versions of yourself, but not so little that it won't hurt you for them to come out of your minge."
Adam looked sullenly at the floor "Seems a bit harsh," he mumbled.
"Silence!" Cried God. "Also I want you to get out of my garden. As Divine Landlord I don't even need to give you any notice."
Yay so it was that Adam and Eve went to live in the Land of Nod. And God kicked about in the dust and chuckled to himself.'
Genesis 11:1-28 'And then God went for a gigantic poo, during which many earth-years passed. During this time the people of earth got along together exceptionally well in love and harmony and everything.
"That God is such an awfully nice fellow," they said unto each other.
"How can we show our appreciation?" They mused. "How can we get closer to him, for verily he is wonderful?"
"We know," they said, "let's all cooperate nicely together, toiling every day until dark with the sweat of our collective brows to build a mighty tower in reverence to him."
And lo, did they toil in cooperation, thinking not selfishly of themselves but only of their Divine loved one, until a tower grew from the ground the like of which would put that really big one in South East Asia to shame. And grow it did...
FLUSH! Thus the holy crap was done and God did come out of the closet, and he did look down at his pet humans, and he bespied the tower of Babel as it grew from the earth towards his majestic region.
"Clever little shits," mumbled God, "they're alright to play with every now and then but I wouldn't want the responsibility of them 24/7. I'm going to have to scupper them." And a mighty rage swelled inside the supreme one.
And smote them he did, he smote as he had never smitten heretofore. And the tower of Babel was destructed and the peoples scattered to the multitudinous edges of the earth.
"Now I've got to think of something to stop them from hassling me again" Said God to no one in particular. Then he involuntarily let forth a wicked snort, an ejaculation that embarassed him enough for him look around and ensure that no angels had overheard him.
"I know," he sniggered, "now that they're scattered all over the place I'll bewitch them so that they all speak different languages and perform different customs. Not only will they not understand each other but they'll regularly misunderstand each other, causing endless disagreement and war, thereby making it impossible for them to cooperate in any meaningful way. This also should prove more entertaining viewing than the deep, spiritual relations that they have been accustomed to performing hitherto." And so it was done. And war did raineth upon the peoples and God did sit back and smoke his Godpipe.'
This is the truth our friend, though you may not want to hear it: God does not want you to cooperate and get along as some Christians would have you believe. The idea of "Peace on Earth" is a misrepresentation of God's will, he actually prefers it if we fight amongst ourselves. What God actually likes is a bit of peace and quiet. You know how your dad likes to sit on his favourite chair on a Sunday and fall asleep, and if you disturb him wanting some love or attention he gets angry and smacks your bottom? Well that's just like God. Hence the "God the Father" metaphor. God also does not want you to be like him. Instead he finds it quite arrogant if you try to be like him. Forget about that copying Jesus shit. Its not cool and God will just get angry. Remember Beelzebub: you don't want to spend eternity sticking molten pokers up paedophiles bottoms do you?
Them rascally Catholics have an awesome way of getting into God's good books. Now that we have expounded that God is actually interested in you misbehaving - he finds it quite entertaining as much as anything - we need to focus on ways in which you can misbehave in order to get into God's favour. The Catholics therefore have pioneered a fool-proof system, ergo: original sin. The basic tenet is this: every week you have to perform an obscene act that no one's ever performed before and tell a priest about it to make sure it gets back to God (though he probably already watched it with some amusement, being omnipresent and all that). In light of this, we have endeavoured to produce a list of sins which, although not definitive in their originality, may at least inspire you to sin originally so that you may incur the delight of his Majesty.
List of Sins what might not have ever been Done
- Rubbing greedily at the genitalia of a cockroach.
- Buying 15 gallons of Methylated Spirits and distributing it amongst three homeless alcoholics.
- Hiding in the wallspace of a nun's cell and whispering 'touch it' every night for 7 months.
- Tipping orange paint over yourself and running naked through a funeral going "blibble ibble ibble!"
- Hiding in the bin on a ward populated with heart-attack victims and biting hard on every hand that enters it.
- Anally masturbating yourself with your uncle's nose while he sleeps.
- Dressing up the block's Power Generator as a bingo hall and putting a sign outside saying "First three games free!"
- Pooing on a biscuit and hurling it at France.
- Making a fly have sex with a raisin.
- Sniffing an unused sock for stimulation.
- Refusing to ever breath out, poo or perspire.
Whenever you have performed an original sin and are confronted with someone who wants to know why the hell you did it, there is only one official God-sanctioned excuse: you simply say 'Christ compels me.' This works in any situation and the joke never gets old up in Heaven, where they roll about in laughter every time they hear it.
How to get into a Book that's already been Written
This section might be more correctly called 'How to actually get into God's actual literal Good Book' but as we said it would be called 'How to get into a Book that's already been Written' in the introduction we're going to stick with it - we don't want to look silly.
Interpretation's the Magic Key!
If you go back to that first section and take another look... go on do it now... no not yet you fool we haven't told you what you're looking for... now scroll up and take a hard look at the accompanying picture. Hey come back, we're talking to you. You probably won't have noticed this the first time around but where most people would expect to see the legend 'The Holy Bible' it actually says 'The Holy BIBEL'. No this is not a dyslexic mitsake or a misprint on our part. What it actually is is our translation of the Bible. See? Now of course you may think that the word of God is one true definite thing, and we wouldn't overtly argue with you mate, but God originally wrote the Bible in Aramaic or some kind of wacked-out language like that, and since then there have been almost 9 billion distinct versions of the Bible - that's over 1.23 versions for each person alive on the Earth today!
But... but... how could this be? We hear you wail. It's quite simple. If God wrote the original Bible - and it's not our place to dispute it here - he only wrote one of them, and that was in an obscure language that no one speaks. It was in a time when God hadn't allowed the printing press to have been invented yet and so every version of the Bible had to be written by hand by somebody else. Ever played Chinese Whispers? Hmmmm? Ever played it across several hundred languages and thousands of years?
And you think you know the word of God. You're pathetic.
Add into the mix the political machinations of a thousand nation states, cross-culturalism, wholesale idiocy etc. People such as the evil Pope and his henchman freely take whole chapters out that do not suit them. The mormons add extra books onto the end of it to fit in with their penchant for Sci-Fi, and factions such as Protestants ignore swathes of the Bible - for example the bit about sodomy - that don't fit in with their groovy, modern way of living.
But before you take to the streets and start burning and looting in outrage, we urge you to stop and think. Many people have changed the Bible to suit themselves, actually it resembles an older, more laborious version of this very website. But here's where it differs from this website: while there are moderators here who will delete any attempt at personal fame, your own personal interpretation of the Bible can be ordered in such a way as to profit your own viewpoint. Scroll back up to Section 1 and read the Bible extracts. Which version of the Bible do you think we extracted them from? It wasn't the fucking King James Edition we can tell you that.
So, rather than piously whinging, which will get you nowhere, you can, like us, join in and play the Bible game!
The Bible Game
Rewriting the Bible for pleasure and profit can be fun. There are no limits. Just let your imagination be your guide. Perhaps you want to recast yourself as Moses? Done! Maybe you want to demonise an entire ethnic group (see Catholic versions re Jews for handy hints)? Hey Presto! No parable in the Bible to suit you? Just take some random Dead Sea Scroll or something, claim it should be part of the Bible and misinerpret it to your own design! You may want to be in God's Good Book but little do you realise that God's Good Book may be in you - waiting to get out! Before you know it a dogmatic authoritative text may be working as your bitch! (Please note that dog pun. It's subtle, we know, but that's where its genius lies.)
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