Eggnogsticism
Eggnogsticism is a monotheistic religion that centers itself around the belief that, in our lives, there exists a supreme eggnog. Also central to Eggnogsticism is the belief that true understanding only comes from direct experience of the eggnog.
Eggnogsticism began in the 1st Century A.D., shortly after the death of Jesus of Nazareth, as a sect of Judaism. Its followers believe, like Islam, that Jesus was a prophet; it is believed among Eggnogstics that Jesus is the only human to have drunken the supreme eggnog (this eggnog is known as “Stanley” in the Eggnogstic holy book, Great Eggspectations).
Beliefs[edit]
There are a few variations in Eggnogstic doctrine, but all mainstream branches of the religion have several “eXtreme”® doctrines in common. Those claiming to be Eggnogstic that do not follow these eXtreme doctrines are branded as heretics, drunks, or terrorists.
Stanley[edit]
The focus of all branches of Eggnogsticism is the belief in Stanley, an omnipotent volume of eggnog. Stanley’s volume and appearance differ for each sect; some believe He is only one single gallon of eggnog, while others believe Stanley to be divided into a trinity: milk, eggs, and nog.
Eggnogstics believe that, as the supreme eggnog, Stanley came to earth to save humanity from its sins, thereby fulfilling the prophecies of the Jewish Old Testament. Allegedly, those who drink Stanley will know salvation and be forever saved. They will also be quite pleased with the taste, and they’ll be happy to know that Stanley contains 0 grams of trans fat (as mentioned in the book of Nutrition Facts).
Controversies in Eggnogsticism arose when 14th-century Eggnogstic Horace Red asked himself a question: If Stanley is the supreme eggnog, what created Stanley? The church divided itself into two branches on this issue: those who held the traditional belief that Stanley is the highest power in the universe (calling themselves “Formalists”) and those who believed that Stanley must have been created by something else (calling themselves “Physicists”).
Ingestion by Jesus[edit]
A cornerstone in Eggnogstic belief, also considered by many Eggnogstics to be the most bestest event to ever happen in the history of anything ever, was Stanley’s being consumed by Jesus Christ, sometimes called the "first coming". Apostles at Jesus’ last supper claim that when they weren't distracted by the task at hand—that is, eating—they noticed something unusual about Jesus' drink. Simon, in his gospel (verses 4:15-4:17 p.m.), later recalled this:
“And in His goblet He poured a rich, creamy nectar, a liquid which seemed to glow with unearthly divinity / And Christ drank from the goblet, tasting the holy liquid, at which He rose from His seat and cried, / ‘Bless this drink, for it is my Savior. This liquid could only have come from the Lord himself.'”
The drink was widely believed to be eggnog, though other apostles say that it may have been wine. Judas later remarked, “It was God's first coming, and Jesus swallowed it all.” After sharing this meal (but not the eggnog) with his disciples, Jesus was executed and entombed.
It is believed among Eggnogstics that on the third day, Stanley rose up to heaven, taking Jesus with him because he couldn’t find a way out. He stopped by to talk to Jesus’ disciples on the way up, but they were too busy celebrating Easter.
Offshoot sects of Eggnogsticism believe Stanley to be the third and least successful transubstantiation, next to the commonly accepted bread (body) and wine (blood) of Jesus. Even today, Protestants and Catholics debate whether this transubstantiation from yuletide drink to Godly spermatozoons is literal or figurative.
Documentary Evidence gleaned from the Bible would imply the former: the slight volume of Stanley suggests that, given the short notice of the last supper, Jesus only had issue enough for one serving.
Other transubstantiations which were not enrolled in the Christian faith include Jesus's Milkshake, Jesus's Spaghetti Sandwhich, Jesus's Sugar Substitute, Jesus's hotdog/swedish meatball medley.
Scripture[edit]
Eggnogsticism regards Great Eggspectations as an authoritative source on Eggnogstic doctrine. Like the Christian Bible, the book is divided into two sections: The Jewish Old Testament and The Eggnogstic "How I spent my Summer Vacation", sometimes simply called "The New Testament" or "Summer". Exactly who or what wrote Summer is unknown, though writers sometimes credited with the modern text include Leonardo Da Vinci, Christopher Marlowe, and Timmy from Mrs. Hubbard's class.
The Old Testament contains the entire Jewish Tanakh, but due to controversies in the existence of God among Formalists, all verses mentioning God are left out. As a result, the Eggnogstic Old Testament is the third shortest holy book of a recognized religion (third only to Nihilism, whose holy book is a blank sheet of paper; and Taoism, who claims their holy book is a zen experience that cannot be manifested into physical material, which is a complicated way of saying they're too stoned to write one).
The first four books of Summer are known as "The Gospels". These books provide a historical context for Eggnogstic belief, as based on the writings of several Apostles who witnessed Stanley's first coming.
The last three books of Summer are known as "The Fundamentals". Instead of going into historical detail of events that perspired in Eggnogstic history, The Fundamentals explain basic laws of Stanley that every Eggnogstic must recognize. The books are as follows:
- Nutrition Facts, a detailed account of the power of Stanley, based on a 2,000 calorie diet.
- Ingredients, a book explaining the pathways to salvation.
- Expiration Date, the only book composed wholly of apocalyptic literature.
Customs[edit]
Worship[edit]
Organized worship occurs seldom among Eggnogstics. This is largely because there are reportedly fewer than three Eggnogstic churches in the entire universe, and the only way to know the location of one of the churches is to already be at it. Some Physicists claim that these churches exist only hypothetically, or perhaps appear when certain conditions in the time-space continuum are met. Other Eggnogstics claim that they just forgot to ask for directions.
Because the churches are lost, Eggnogstic worship is an independent activity, consisting primarily of drinking eggnog.
The Eggnogstic hymn "I am the Walrus" has been attributed to The Beatles in popular culture, but was actually related by Spock to John Lennon via a Jedi mind trick, (not as some also believe was done with Vulcan Mind Meld) in a complete confusion of StarTrekWars science fiction canon.
Holidays[edit]
Eggnogstics originally celebrated all Christian and Jewish holidays, but they eventually found that people were joining their religion just to get off work. To correct the problem, Eggnogstics now celebrate only two holidays: Christmas and Easter. While Christmas is a much lesser holiday used only as an excuse to give people presents and drink mass amounts of eggnog, Easter is the high holy day for the Eggnogstic religion and is considered of tremendous importance.
Easter[edit]
Easter is allegedly the day at which Stanley resurrected himself in heaven. It tends to occur on a random Sunday between the third week of March and the second week of April, although records from the Dark Ages show that at one point, Easter lasted 100 years.
Stanley knew that his ascension (along with Jesus') would cause some uproar on earth. To distract the people, he enlisted the help of a rabbit to scatter a large number of colored eggs throughout the world. People were so confused as to what the connection between colored eggs and resurrection was that they did not even notice Stanley's ascent to heaven. In memory of this clever ploy, Eggnogstics traditionally convinced Christians that the true meaning of Easter could be found if the Christians could find every colored egg. After the Christians had found all the eggs and distributed the eggs so that each Christian had one egg, an Eggnogstic would approach the group and say, "Egg per fool!" Easter later split into two holidays: the traditional Easter, which celebrates the ascension of Jesus and Stanley, and April Fool's Day (coming from the phrase "egg per fool"), which commemorates what Eggnogstics call "the greatest prank ever pulled".
Egg Puns[edit]
Making egg puns is eggsactly what you'd eggspect of an Eggnogstic. After all, the name of their religion is a perfect eggsample of an egg pun. Egg puns are an eggstremely important part of Eggnostic belief, and those who mock them should be eggscommunicated. They should be given no chance to eggsplain themselves; mocking an egg pun is ineggscusable behavior. Egg.
Jesus's true lineage[edit]
A small cult of Eggnostics, which included famed artist and Ninja Turtle Michelangelo, believe that Jesus was in fact descended from Goliath and not David. While this is totally unrelated to Eggnog, it is a belief that Michelangelo nevertheless promoted in his artwork (see The Michelangelo Encryption).