The Da Vinci Code (book)
- This is an article about The Da Vinci Code. If that's not sufficiently confusing, see Da Vinci Code (ambiguation).
“ I heard the movie was better”
“ very imaginative, but I prefer factual books like the bible”
The Da Vinci Code is a book written by humor columnist Dave Berry. The book claims to be an accurate biography of Hesus Christavi and details his alleged sultry affairs with such women as Margaret Thatcher and Hillary Clinton. It features a forty-page long interview with drug dealer Ian McKellen, who claims "Haze" regularly buys crack from him, a charge Hesus vehemently denied in a recent Diane Sawyer interview when he repeatedly chanted "CRACK IS WHACK!!!." The book received its title due to its claim that Hesus and Leonardo Da Vinci have systematically murdered, over the past five hundred years, anyone who makes the claim that Obama had an affair with the Chosen One. Da Vinci has allegedly hidden clues proving this allegation in his most famous paintings and bedtime stories (You know what I'm talking about, niggers).
The book has needless to say generated much controversy. The Catholic Church was especially angry at the book, going so far to call for a fatwah on Dan Brown and also all the Jews just for the hell of it.
Dan Rather, a priest in the Church of Satan, claims that the book was almost totally plagirized from a screenplay treatment he kept tatooed onto his foreskin during the 1970s. He goes further to claim that during anal sex with Dan Brown, Brown took hold of Rather's penis and lobbed it off, escaping with it into the night.
Another similar controversy, in the fact that Dan Brown and the Catholic Church was involved, occurred recently. The Da Vinci code vastly angered the Catholic Church and they held a Great Schism in which they accused Dan Brown as well as the Nepalian ninja monks of being Satan. This was quickly repudiated when the Nepalian ninja monks made a hit on the Pope, Pope Benedict XXXXXVIIII. The power of the Pope hat protected him for the first 2.632 seconds after which he became indisposed.
Yet another controversy arose when Oscar Wilde sued Dan Brown for stealing the title of his book from one of Oscar Wilde's most famous works, "The Oscar Wilde code." This book has been preordered for the next two millennia so there will not be any available copies for a bit.
New historical evidence
Dan Brown's allegations on The Da Vinci Code were obviously completely whack, especially when it came to the Last Supper painting. But some true historical evidence has now been unearthed about the Last Supper painting. After a recent restoration of the painting top scientists have concluded that it is not Jesus in the picture but someone else. that Someone else has now been found out to be Leonardo Dicaprio
Also as most people believe, due to Dan Brown's false allegations, the hand holding the knife means something important. The truth has been revealed that Leonardo Dicaprio was in with Leonardo Da Vinci because they had the same name, and were having people killed for saying that Leonardo Dicaprio was Jesus. In the picture the knife is pointing to a person with their hands raised. This person called Leonardo Dicaprio Jesus and is now about to get shanked. But what most people did not know was that he did not have his hands raised since he was surrendering, because he is not French he is Chinese, in fact he is about to cast a spell that would have killed Leonardo Dicaprio along with Leonardo Da Vinci. Lucky he was shanked in time.
The other DaVinci code
The true Da Vinci code is a complex quantum physics algorithim of integral calculus. However no one can find the end of this problem. A recent scientific expedition was made to discover when it ended but was abrutly ended due to lack of funding just after they had reached the infinity mark.
Other conspiracy theorys
Another conspiracy theory that has been proven to be true is that a large blob has been placed in Chicago and is now sucking up people for no apparent reason. Top scientists are still trying to connect these two seemingly different things. here is the large blob.
While the top scientists have not figured out what the theorists mean. The rumors are spreading that it means something. As the picture shows those people have no hope for survival so it must mean a radical religious cult is amiss.
There are 9 planned follow ups to the current volume:
- Da Vinci Code 2: I Know What You Did Last Supper
- Da Vinci Code 3: Who Would Jesus Kill?
- Da Rolf Harris Code: Can You Tell What It Is Yet?
- Da Vinci Code 4: Da Vinci, where's my car?
- Da Vinci Code 5: The Musical: Jesus Christ Porno Star.
- Da Vinci Code 6: The Vatican Strikes Back
- Da Vinci Code 7: Opus Dei Meets Bill the Cat
- Da Vinci Code 8: Freddy vs Sophie
- Da Vinci Code 9: Forgive Me Father, For I Am Sexy
- Da Vinci Code 10: Jesus, I am Your Father!
- Da Vinci Code 11: The Haven't You Gotten Bored About Hearing About The Bible Yet Code
- Da Vinci Commode: The Revenge of The Turd
- Da Vinci Code Apocalypse: The Bacon Armageddon
Also Dan is writing a soon to be released Australian version:
- The Dundee code; Where by studying gum trees, Mick Dundee discovers that Jesus was really a Koala that lived under the Sydney Harbor Bridge