Bibleman
| Bibleman aka. Jesus H. Christ | |
|---|---|
|
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| Political career | |
| Order | 75th President |
| Vice President | Bible-boy |
| Term of office | 2777–2781 |
| Preceded by | Spider-Man |
| Succeeded by | Captain Planet |
| Political party | Republican |
| Personal details | |
| Nationality | Israelite |
| Date of birth | December 25, 1 AD |
| Place of birth | Nazareth, Israel |
| Date of death | Never, he is immortal. |
| Place of death | On the Cross, but he comes back |
| First Lady | Mary Magdelan(secret) |
“You'll pay for this Bibleman!”
“I only agree with half of what he does”
“Bibleman? Never heard of him, sounds cool though”
“After all these years why in the hell did I not think of that!”
Bibleman is the popular superhero and 75th President of the United States.He is loved dearly by children and middle-aged comic nerds around the world. He has starred in over 50,000 movies and 1,000,000 comics. He is known best for using strict interpretations of the Bible to frustrate his enemies until they give up and his catchy quotes of random biblical verses. After a brief musical career, he decided to go back to his acting career. He now has his own show on Fox News Monday-Friday at 6:30 AM.
Origin[edit]
Jesus H. Christ was a normal fun loving Messiah until an average sodomite conversion went terribly wrong. A recently converted Radioactive Leper in the audience lost control and attacked the crowd. Jesus tried to stop him but was bitten in the process. Since then he discovered he had strange powers now. He was able to transform into a 7-foot bald man in a white jumpsuit. He also gained startling new abilities. He could now recite any part of the bible purely from memory, creating a scene of utter boredom, inevitably forcing it's beholders into the Christian faith.
Jesus must now balance his life as the king of Jews and Son of God with his responsibilities as a superhero. He often faces such problems as missing his cousins Bar Mitzvah and making it to his hottie neighbor Mary Magdalen's performances at the local theatre. He wishes to start a relationship but finds that he is constantly forced to take his Bibleman identity. After losing his Uncle Joseph, he considered giving up Bibleman all together, but the heart of a hero still shined inside.
Villains[edit]
Every superhero needs a villain. Bibleman however has several. Here are some of his notable foes:
- Satan- His greatest foe, who he is caught in an eternal struggle with. He can be seen as Bibleman's arch-villain and master of all the others. In Season 7 Bibleman runs against Satan as the Republican Candidate in the 2777 presidential election. This confused Republicans, because they weren't sure whose side they were on, but Bibleman managed to narrowly defeat him and receive the nomination. Currently, Satan is sulking in his lava tub deep in hell.
- Charles Darwin and the Atheists- In season three of the Animated Series, Bibleman meets a new foe. Charles Darwin was once a brilliant doctor who used his research to search for proof of divine intervention. However, his research soon controlled him and led him to create a horrible weapon of mass destruction: the theory of evolution. Since then, Darwin has created his own home brew pawns called Atheists. These Atheists took on the form of suburban white teenagers, programmed to disagree with parents's Christian ways. These horrible creatures don't believe in traditional biblical values or church practices. Naturally this makes them one of Bibleman's highest priorities.
- Homosexuality - Bibleman has long since battled Homosexuality, once storming into a live prerformance of The Village People and beating them to death. This culminated into a rooftop battle with their secret lover, Freddie Mercury. After a fierce struggle, Bibleman passed out in battle from fatigue. When he awoke he was in an alley with an incredibly sore bottom. Bibleman has since taken a more reserved stance against Homosexuality but still disagrees strongly against it.
- Captain Planet - Captain Planet and Bibleman have been mortal enemies ever since Captain Planet tried to convert Bibleman into believing that Gaia was the sole creator of the Earth rather than God. This lead Bibleman to retort with his extensive knowledge of Ebonics with the phrase "Thats badizzle my nizzle!". Captain Planet ran against Bibleman in the 2777 US Presidential elections, but lost due lack of support for his superfluous environmental plans. In the 12th season of the TV series, he is elected as the successor to Bibleman and uses his power to lobby support against him. Bibleman has had many epic battles with Captain Planet, one of which destroyed the island of Hawaii. However neither has yet to give in to the others power.
Music Career[edit]
Starting out as the bassist in the hard rock band "Led Zeppelin" he wrote many of the bands famous songs, including "Stairway to Heaven" and "Whole Lotta Love". Originally called "Stairway to God's Heart" and "I Hate Muslims" the songs grew through a drastic change under the influence of Jimmy Page and Robert Plant. This prompted Bibleman to leave Led Zeppelin (later replaced by bassist John Paul Jones). He then joined up with Earth, Wind and Fire, which he was quoted as saying."I dug their groove man"
During this time Bibleman began experimenting with several narcotic substances, most notably, Caffeine. This began Bibleman's downward spiral into self-absorption as he limped onto stage under the influence of Caffeine barely making it through basslines, sometimes only playing the required notes. He would sometimes go on rants to the audience about how great God was, and taking away from the music of Earth, Wind and Fire. This prompted the expulsion of Bibleman from the group, citing it as nothing personal, just that Bibleman needs to shut the hell up.
After being kicked from the group, Bibleman found this as a wake up call. He kicked his habit in the Smarties Fun Clinic in a matter of months. Bibleman was then discovered by the Metal-Folk-J-Pop group "The Traveling Wilburys". A recently added member, Elmo, found Bibleman playing a live show at the local church, and was hypnotized by his hypnotic basslines and startling lyrical imagery. This prompted Elmo to tell the rest of the Traveling Wilburys about Bibleman, as they were in need of a new bass player after the departure of King Charles the II. Bibleman has since joined up with The Traveling Wilburys and released four albums with them.
Another album is expected in the near future.
Presidency[edit]
In Season 7 of the Bibleman Television Series, Bibleman decides he should take a shot at politics. He gets off to a good start and quickly becomes governor of Texas. At the 2777 Presidential Election he decided to run for the Republican nomination. He narrowly defeated his opponent, Satan, and became the Republican Candidate. Over the next year he fought a fierce propaganda battle against the democratic candidate, Captain Planet. Due to the tremendous budget Captain Planet wished to allocate into environmental protection, he became unpopular with the upper and middle class, which caused his inevitable downfall. Bibleman won election 2,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 votes to 5(all from the Planeteers).
Bibleman entered his term with overwhelming popularity, however this was not to last. Bibleman had waged a Holy War against Utah in an effort of genocide against the Mormons. This exploit received a lot of backfire from more left-sided supporters, and from the Mormon community. Bibleman, ignoring all others, pressed for the attack on Utah, but was inevitably repelled by the Mormons, due to the overwhelming amount of Mormons brought about by polygamy. He soon diverted attention against the North American Muslim community, establishing concentration camps in Dearborn, Michigan. Total causalities are still unknown due to the ongoing cover up on part of the Bibleman Youth League, which organized and ran the concentration camps on Bibleman's behalf.
After a failed Holy War, and with many Left-Sided supporters against Bibleman, his popularity received a downgrade, falling from 99.9999% to 0.5%. Bibleman, fearing the wrath of the public, launched another Holy War against the nation of France. The French Holy War only lasted three days, due to the overwhelming amount of US Soldiers and the French Soldier's cowardice.
France signed a treaty of surrender to the United States and became the 59th state, New Cheese Land.
Bibleman also received a successful term in office with the campaigning for new laws. Most notably was his campaign for Bibles for Non-believers. Under this law it called for the Christian community to run amok in the streets of their native town and throw Bibles at anyone who did not believe in Christianity. This received a backlash from the other religious denominations, eventually resulting in an appeasement process. The middle ground was met in not Bibles being thrown, but rather copies of "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants." The decision on the book was made after they found that it had no use for anyone, so they figured they might as well use it to throw at people.
Bibleman ended his term in office by blowing up the Washington Monument, believing it to possess Satanic powers as a recreation of the Babel Tower.
He was later impeached, and died two years later of liver cirrhosis due to his long standing addiction to altar wine.
Theme Song[edit]
"BY YOUR SACRAMENTS COMBINED I AM BIBLE MAN!"
Bible Man, he's our hero, Gonna take Atheism down to zero, He's our powers magnified, And he's fighting on the Christian side
Bible Man, he's our hero, Gonna take Atheism down to zero, Gonna help him convert us under, Bad guys who like to loot and plunder
"You'll pay for this Bibleman!"
We're the Christianeers! You can be one too! 'Cause saving our souls is the thing to do, Atheism and Sodomy is not the way, Hear what Bibleman has to say:
"THE BIBLE IS YOURS!!"