OED: Bagger (ba'-gr) Noun; n. A slovenly or unshaven individual, often likened to a slubberdegullion.
Baggers are among us, have always been among us, and will always be among us. They are a quintessential part of society, yet often one of the most overlooked elements in today's hectic world. Without baggers, there would be pandemonium, social disparity, and a complete breakdown of the way in which people interact with each other in day to days situations, worldwide. This raises the question, what is a bagger?
What is a bagger?
A bagger is an individual of a greater intellectual capacity, who operates on a plane so far above that upon which we mere mortals exist, that we often mistake them for reprobates, or somehow impaired individuals. In spite of their relaxed and carefree appearance, the common bagger is a skilled, integral, and highly empathic being. The term 'Bagger' arose from their occupation, which is, that they quite literally 'bag' people. We shall explain 'bagging' in greater detail later.
It does not take a qualified social anthropologist to spot the common bagger. The common bagger, from now on, referred to just as 'bagger', has long flowing hair, often done in the common Afro-Caribbean style of 'dreadlocks', in which may reside various arthropods; these are the mark of a bagger's social status, and their success in their bagging activities. A bagger of lowly status will have clean, undreadlocked hair, often in a side parting, newly initiated baggers will often have fully dreadlocked hair, with a healthy population of caterpillars, and other such small invertebrates. A bagger of high status, e.g. The Great Lord Ivorshiliek The Filthy Bastard, will have a collection of various small mammals, attached through an ingenious system of tail weaving, levers, pulleys, kitchen roll, and no shortage of nails. Baggers come from a wide variety of ethnic backgrounds, so it is impossible to determine whether a person is a bagger or not, based merely upon skin colour, although an overall grey, or brown tint, may be indicative of some baggerish tendencies, as a result of deeply ingrained mud/vomit/dust/faeces etc. Baggers tend to wear shoes of the finest quality woodlouse hide, with earthenware laces. Despite the difficulties which these podiatric garments may cause, they are highly useful for protecting the bagger's all important feet, when using their main form of transport. The average bagger can be seen donning a cloak, constructed entirely of fiberglass, asbestos, and other scrap building materials. These cloaks are worn perennially, and are removed only during the process of bagging, when they can be relatively cumbersome. Little is known about what is worn under the cloak, except for the fact that it seems to resemble an amorphous mass of various vegetation and animal products. In spite of some vicious rumours which have been known to be circulating, the bagger's standards of personal hygiene are exemplary, and far in advance of our own. This is cunningly disguised through the use of highly advanced nanotechnolgy and genetically manipulated rabbit ears and goat testicles. It is not clear how these are used. It is highly unlikely that your wife/husband/son etc. is a bagger, as baggers tend to breed exclusively among themselves. Outsiders can sometimes join the illustrious race of baggers, but this process is difficult and costly.
What is this bagging thing I hear so much about?
Bagging is the act which qualifies a bagger as a bagger. A bagger enjoys little more than the act of collecting specimens of different species, in particular, the human race. This is achieved through the cunning use of, unsurprisingly, bags. The bags are manufactured, more often than not, of polyethen], however higher status baggers, such as The Great Lord Ivorshiliek The Filthy Bastard, tend to use more esoteric materials, such as emu hide, or purple corduroy. In order to successfully capture their prey, baggers employ a variety of techniques. The procedure is, more often than not, much as follows:
- The bagger will depart his domicile, generally in the depths of a network of tunnels beneath the streets of Philadelphia (where else?!), which will consist of a French oriental neo-Victorian mansion, cunningly disguised as a mud hut. This has often been likened to certain police box, in the possession of a Dr. Who, of New Jersey, which is now used as a brothel/crack den for unemployed Brooklynian lawyers. This Who individual has been facing litigation from the Sublime Council of Realistic Outgoing Timetravellers (SCROT), for the defamation of hyperdimensional police boxes around the world. We digress.
- The bagger will proceed to his favoured hunting spot (generally an upmarket club, or tandoori restaurant, due to the easily susceptible nature of the individuals there, due either to inbreeding (the upmarket clubs) or a temporary period of incontinence and general confusion, as the result of either alcohol, or Vindaloo), and stake out his hunting area, through the use of a powerful scent, detectable only to other baggers, and golf caddies.
- The bagger will choose a victim. Victims are chosen on the basis of their apparent social status (the higher, the better), their loquacity (the louder, the better), and the general ease and convenience of defenestration, the next, and essential, phase of bagging.
- Defenestration. The bagger will, within the space of one femtosecond, lift the victim by the left arm, and promptly transport them through the nearest closed window, straight into their waiting bag. The victim rarely has time to struggle or complain, and once within the bag, is overcome by the powerful narcotic substance, based on a rich blend of methane and sodium hydroxide, and feels no need to either struggle, or complain.
- The bagger will now make his escape. This is inevitably preceded by the ancient baggerish proverb "It's crackers to slip a rozzer the dropsy in snide!", which should be screamed at a volume sufficient to deafen and confuse all within the area, and make them believe that the recently disapparated individual was a victim of a freak towel explosion. The escape itself consists of a flight back to their subterranean tunnels, and a rapid departure in their hempmobile, literally, a van constructed entirely of marijuana, with the traditional inscription of Jabberwocky, in the place of a safety manual. This vehicle is greatly sought after, primarily on the campuses of an assortment of educational institutions, and by Dr 'Who', who wishes to possess them for 'recycling'.
- Upon his return to his chateau, a bagger will then release his bagged victim into a bagging pen, an area where bagged individuals may be traded for hair decorations, that is, to say, the small creatures disclosed earlier. What happens to the bagged individuals from this point onwards is unclear, although a sudden increase in the population of Disneyland cataract surgeons has recently been noted, and also a remarkable influx of these surgeons into prominent White House positions, such as 'Over the desk', and 'In the broom cupboard'.
This is a brief, and relatively undetailed, description of the bagging process.
How do I become a bagger?
As mentioned previously, it is both difficult, and costly, to become a bagger. Firstly, you must move to Philadelphia, and discern a means of creating a late 19th century palace, made entirely of mud, below ground. You must then contact the enrollment secretary at the Federation of Bagging Individuals (FBI), at the following address:
Jesus Henry Christopholsson, C/O The White House, Jaglan Beta.
You will then be sent further details of how to continue the bagging initiation process, if you are deemed a substantial candidate.