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A typical Amazon Woman towering above a man above 6 foot.

The Amazons[1] were a feared tribe of ass kicking feminist warriors in Ancient Greece. No men were allowed to get within four Olympic-sized running tracks of their lands without risking an arrow in their eyes. Only once a year would the Amazons agree to meet men, but only for breeding purposes and to hand over all male babies birthed the year before. In exceptional circumstances, a Greek hero would be invited to service them. Heracles was the only one who did the 'grand dirty' with all of them.

The idea of a society run by and for women excited the Ancient Greek (male) sexual imagination. Amazonians were considered worthy foes and appeared in the Trojan War exchanging blows with the Greeks. This allowed a generous amount of nude statuary to decorate many temples with graphic depictions of naked men and women fighting to the death. Curiously, the Amazonians were not accused of being lesbians as, correctly, Ancient Greeks identified that tribe with the women of Lesbos who had killed every male in a dispute about personal hygiene. The Amazonians were therefore regarded as possible dates for many a foolish adventurer.

There is a dispute about the height of the Amazonian women. Greek story tellers like Herodotus says they were so tall they would block out the sun if stood in a line. He also said they only had one breast which gave them their name in Greek (A-Mazing). This was achieved by burning off their left or right tit to 'help draw the bow' but now modern researchers think it was Herodotus who was the 'tit' to believe that was true. Certainly the memo didn't reach artists who always drew and carved Amazon women without a compulsory mastectomy.

Amazonian culture has been reconstructed from varied accounts found in the work of Herodotus, Wonder Woman comics, Grace Jones videos and Samus Aran from Metroid. In the Iliad, the Amazons were referred to as Antianeira ("ball busting lezbos").

Origins of the Amazons[edit]

In over a thousand years, a majority of woman will be taller and stronger then most men.

The Amazons were originally located in Pontus in what is now called Turkey. They were a tribe of fearless female warriors who apparently only liked scaring men by arriving unannounced in a city with unshaven legs and faces; having readied themselves for Japanese censorship laws. They would then demand everything of interest to them (sandals and stylish tunics normally) with a threat of instant shopping contentment - as long as someone else was paying. It was said even the local Trojans were scared of these wild women and the Persians recalled their great King Cyrus had ended up as stew in the hands of one cannibalistically inclined Amazonian tribe.

In the midst of the chaos a brilliant tactician named Hippolyta (she who lights hippos) realized that it was futile to seek the designer black, suede, sling back Italian sandals in size 5 because Italy wouldn't be invented for another 2500 years. It was all Etruscans down there and their footwear was as shitty as their flush toilets. She assembled hundreds of like minded women to order by mail, combine shipping for greater savings and stop the senseless bloodshed. Hippolyta found a place that offered a great selection of raiding and pillaging accessories that delivered free if you ordered over $200 in merchandise (excluding siege engines, which had to be shipped separately).

The Amazons arose from this to form a nation based on martial strength and hassle free shopping. was named in honor of their revolutionary mail order practices.

Raiding Parties[edit]

Amazons v Centaurs

Inspired by the pyramid based culture of the Ancient Egyptian Empire, The Amazons got in contact with some good wholesalers and legions of amazon sales representatives went into the surrounding lands to throw lavish and outlandishly themed "raiding parties" where busy ancient housewives could network, relax and purchase premium quality weaponry in a casual atmosphere.

After filling out the the sales forms and a few cocktails the raiding party would usually pillage the fuck out of the surrounding countryside.

Attracted by the Amazon glamour and a product line that almost sold itself countless women left their homelands to become junior Amazon raiding accessories distributors, abandon their husbands and throw their male offspring into the increasingly skull filled ball pits (or, by this point the ball filled skull pits) near the food court.

The greatest warrior saleswoman of all, Maricaius, succeeded Hippolyta as the second Amazon queen after making the highest volume in sales. She also won a pink chariot for recruiting the most distributors.

Were Amazons Hot?[edit]

Hot Amazons, fresh out of the make-up trailer.

The question of how hot Amazons were and whether they made out with each other had been one of the most hotly debated topics in archaeological fan fiction.

Prominent archaeologists believe that crackpot historians have theorized the descendants of the Amazons lived in Scythia, now part of modern day Russia, if any part of Russia can be considered modern. Some theorize that Amazons were solidly built, comfortable with their bodies and wouldn't cater to crash diets and fad fitness programs, instead working on a long term goal of health and raw killing power, much like the stereotypical Russian woman, but with a big brush type helmet instead of a babushka.

Additionally Amazons are credited with the invention of the battle axe, which is slang for an ugly wife.

Others believe that they were strong, but really sporty and hot. The supporters of the "Hot Amazon Theory" point out such examples of sporty, hot Russian babes like Anna Kournikova (pictured at left right) or that chick from Goldeneye who flew a helicopter and crushed a guy to death with her thighs.

Recent research in the field of sports science indicate that if you replaced Anna Kournikova's tennis racket with a sword or something she could kick some serious ass. An experiment to prove this hypothesis is scheduled to as soon as they find the rest of the severed scientist heads from last year's inconclusive experiment that involved switching Anna's tennis racket with a sword.

How did Amazons Maintain Their Number?[edit]

Amazons would attack a village and mate with the men. If a female child was conceived they would keep the girl and raise it to become a new warrior in their ranks. If a male child was the product of the union that child was left on the doorstep of a nearby village to care for or huffed if the father could only produce sons. Those children who of an indeterminate sex were given to Hermaphroditus, the God of Transsexuals to supply political causes, drag acts and Jeff Bezos.

The Amazon Jungle Rainforest[edit]

Despite popular urban legends Amazons did not live in the Amazon Rainforest. The rainforest was named by Christopher Columbus who noticed it was Amazon shaped. This historical evidence suggests that Amazons may have been rain forest shaped. Amazons karate chopping trees in half is the leading cause of deforestation.


  1. Amazon Men did once exist but they now work for UPS.