Why?:Shoot homeless people?
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Why? This article is part of Uncyclopedia's Why? series. See more Why's? |
Shooting the homeless is a pastime that can provide hours of enjoyment to anyone with a good sense of fun. But why should one take part in this hobby rather than, say, stamp collecting or fishing? After all, there are so many other things out there to shoot--rabbits, deer, water buffalo, coloreds--what is it about killing homeless people that is so much more thrilling than killing any other type of animal? Why shoot the homeless? Look no further, dear reader, the answer to your question can be found within this essay.
It's fun![edit]
Hunting the homeless is a wonderful sport filled with thrills you could never find in hunting less-brainy animals like bears or meese. Homeless people are better at running and hiding, which therefore makes stalking them a much more enriching activity. Homeless people are also easier to find than most other big game. If you want to hunt wolves, you have to travel to Alaska, pay for winter clothing, AND dodge the park rangers who want to arrest you for shooting a rare and beautiful creature! However, to hunt homeless people, all you have to do is step out of your front door. They're everywhere!
Besides, when you shoot a deer, it might give you a rather offended look, then keel over dead in a matter of seconds. Homeless people on the other hand provide a wide range of amusing reactions to being shot including screaming, crying, and--most amusingly--praying. Yes, they seriously do pray, as if God actually cares about them. I know ... hilarious, isn't it?
Their blood can get you high[edit]
I know what you're thinking. You think this is preposterous. How can blood get someone high? Yet, it's absolutely true. Homeless people drink so much alcohol and shoot so much heroin that their blood is filled with mind-altering substances. Homeless people do drugs that most non-homeless people have never even heard of (ever hear of "cosmic orange juice"? No? I rest my case). So after you've blasted the head off one of them, if you drink their blood, you'll be sent on a psychedelic journey into the netherworld of mind-altering substances. Mind you, most homeless people are so starved that they barely have any blood left in them at all. So it might require you to kill and squeeze 10 to 15 of them before you have enough to drink. But the more the merrier! Keep in mind that if you kill enough homeless people, you can fill wine bottles with their blood, and serve it instead of wine at dinner parties. You'll rapidly become the center of your social circle!
They oppress the wealthy[edit]
That's right, while you may have been deceived into thinking it is the wealthy who exploit and abuse the homeless, it is indeed the other way around. Think about it; how many times have you had to go through the tremendously exhausting effort of stepping over a dying homeless person in the street? How many times have you been forced through the tedious inconvenience of wiping the smeared remains of a homeless guy off your car? How often are you forced to bear the unbearably ugly site of a homeless person obstructing your otherwise lovely view? Get rid of them, and all your problems will be solved. After that, you'll only have to deal with the old people.
You can stuff them for lovely displays[edit]
How many times have you walked into a lodge with an authentic "hunting" theme and seen a stuffed moose head on the wall? I'm sure you've had this experience many a time. Now imagine that moose head replaced with the head of a deranged, drug-crazed homeless man in his late fifties. Exciting, isn't it? Yet another advantage of killing homeless people is the fact that their bodies can be stuffed.
A gallery of stuffed homeless people makes for a splendid conversation piece. Think of the brilliant tales you could tell: "Yeah, I shot this vicious bugger on 42nd street, and he put up a particularly good fight. He actually moved when I put a gun to his head, instead of sitting there in a drug-induced coma like most of them do!" The heads of homeless people also make for charming gifts at parties or weddings.
It might even get you laid![edit]
Imagine this: you're on a date with a charming young woman with a wonderful personality. She's bored. The date isn't going well. Then you pull something out of your pocket. It's shiny. It's a necklace.
You hand it to her and she says, "Oh, it's gorgeous! Are these pearls?" Your answer: "No, of course they're not pearls. They're the teeth of homeless people! I yanked them out of the bodies myself!" If that doesn't get you a little action, nothing will. Many of the body parts of the homeless can lend themselves to fine gifts (Their bones, when removed from their bodies and ground into powder, make for fine facial makeup). Your girlfriend will love it! And if she doesn't, you could always rape her!
You could start a fast food business![edit]
Eager to get a start in the business world? Well, the market for hobo meat has not yet been tapped in to. If you get enough homeless people killed, you can deep fry them all in grease and make meat patties out of them, to sell to locals. There's basically an infinite supply of homeless people to kill and fry, and it's not like anyone would ever miss them. Hell, you might even have more meat than people are willing to buy, but if that's the case, you could always feed the surplus to your dog. Or sell it to KFC.
So get out there and blast away![edit]
It's wonderful once you get into the fun of it. You can bring along buddies and enjoy the fun of blowing away family after family of wretched hobos! It's all the fun of Grand Theft Auto, except there's more blood! It's marvelous! Just hurry, before winter comes and they all go into hybernation!
