Why?:Avenge my brother
This is an article which will lay out all of the reasons as to why I should avenge my brother. Yes, you know who my brother is. He's the one who was a bit ill in the head with his fascination of Anderson Cooper and tips of penises. But does that make him a bad person? Does that make him the bane of Uncyclopedia? No. That title was earned long ago by a guy named Spang. Seriously, is my brother worse than Spang?
My brother was a good man
My brother had a 8-inch dick and loved children. He gathered up all of the homeless people in town one year and had them trick or treat for UNICEF, which he couldn't do the next year because of several things which are still pending in the courts. He also volunteered at the local animal shelter where he had privilege of euthanizing all of the shelter's unwanted puppies. My brother also tried to help several Nigerian princes get their money to American bank accounts, but they were probably assassinated or something because they took his money and stopped replying to e-mails.
One time, when my brother went hunting, he accidentally shot his friend in the face. He immediately wrapped a towel around his head and tied a tourniquet around his neck to help stop the bleeding. Unfortunately, his friend died of something called "asphyxiation" before the paramedics got there. He was so distraught about the event that he started drinking heavily. This is right around the time he started editing Uncyclopedia.
You treated him like carp
He came here on his hands and knees like a child, desperately crying out for your love and adoration. And then, when he tells you to kiss the tip of his and Anderson Cooper's penis, and tells a few of you to go fuck yourselves, you show him your mighty banhammer of injustice. He came to me that next night, drunk and missing twelve fingers and two teeth, begging me to forgive him. I held my brother in my arms in his last moments of life. He asked me to avenge him.
Later, the police came and asked a bunch of questions, such as, "Why did you leave your brother's dead body on your front doorstep for six days before calling the police?" They've still not yet determined the cause of his death, but because I am emotionally immature and misplace my projections of blame upon innocent parties, I blame you, Uncyclopedia. This is all of your fault.
What I am going to do
Well, first I sent anthrax to Chronarion in 2001, thinking they could not trace the letter if I put my return address as Tom Daschle's. Well, Chronarion must've sent it back, because my anthrax letter got mixed up with the rest of them and they blamed some terrorists. It wasn't in revenge for my brother. It was because Chron and I went to school together and he fucked me over in calculus class. I was cheating off of him, and he must've known it, because he put down all of the wrong answers. He asked to go to the bathroom while I finished jotting down all of the answers from his test and turned it in. He comes back to class and erases all of his answers, then puts in the correct ones. Totally fucked me over.
I've also tried and failed by ordering a pizza to Mordillo's house. I snickered to myself in my mind, "Heheheh, I hope Mordillo Jr. likes sausage pizza." Halfway through ordering the pizza I forgot that I was pranking Mordillo and paid for it over the phone with my credit card. You're welcome for the free pizza, penis breath.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do now. Right now I'm simply enjoying my stay, drinking heavily and writing articles. The creative juices are flowing though, and I will make you all pay one day for your misdeeds!