Vespers

The vesper is a communicable noise that is louder than thinking but more soft than regular talking. Because it is so soft it is used for pillow talk. Or for talking behind someone's back if you don't want them to turn around and catch you putting a dog poopie down their collar.

Ancient Vespers

Mount Vespasius gives us the word vesper, which is Greek and means something so infinitely complicated that no one understands it. One guy understood it, but his head exploded when he tried to explain it. On the slopes of this great mountain the Greeks forbidded each other to speak loudly. They feared that the evil mountain catamites would hear them and cast some +3 damage spells on them.

And they were right.

For example, all of a sudden some people in Pompeii started yelling because they were stupid. Five minutes later Mount Vespasius buried all the Pompadours in volcano ashes. Later some diggers found these people curled up at the bottom of their ash holes. Seeing those curled-up dead people was a very parenthetic thing.

Those people should have kept their voices down.

Roman Emperor Vespuvian, famous for his vespering. The nose of his stature was removed to use in construction of the Notre Dame.

The emperor Vespuvian ruled Rome from 69 to 79 AD. He gives us the Roman word vesper, and although it is a different word from the Greek one it means the same thing. Emperor Vespuvian could not talk loudly because he had a really quiet voice. He ordered the invasion of Britain, quietly, which brought vespers to notable Britons like King Arthur and sheep. But the Druids did not like vespering so they made Stonehenge. Nobody noticed for 1500 years, however.

Now Stonehenge is famous and King Arthur is dead. Very funny, how much fickle is fame.

Techniques of Vespering

First thing is, don't be loud. Use your library voice, and if you have trouble with that then you can put library paste on your vocal cords. That is what my friend Michael did when he got excited because a Cat in the Hat book was already checked out. Now the Cat in the Hat is famous and Michael is dead. He choked to death on library paste. Funny how fame is so much fickle.

Some churches have special services where they teach you to vesper. This service is offered for free, so it is not very expensive. The famous Russian Pope Rachmaninoff made a CD about vespers. He called it Rachmaninoff's Vespers, which is a pretty good title when you stop to think about it. Sometimes churches use his CD in their vespers services. Most often they don't.

To quieten your voice you can also strap a pillow across your face. Then you will always make good pillow talk. That's what my friend Anna did. But don't strap it too tight or you might lose your breath and smother. Now Anna Nicole is dead and she also is famous at the same time. Andy Warcraft said that everyone gets 15 minutes of fame. Funny how it is so much fickle, though.

Consequences of Vespering

The biggest consequence is that people don't hear you very good.

If you are hit by a train you might as well give up vespering and scream. It won't matter anyhow.

Famous Vespers

There are many cultural and other stuff associated with vespers and vespering.

• There was a movie called The Horse Vesperer and it gets complicated when Robert Redford falls in love with a traumatized horse and loses his voice.
• Amerigo Vespucci discovered Portugal, and his name comes from the Portuguese words for America and Vesper.
• Lots of musicals were made for vespering, including the Jazz Vespers by Reverend John Garcia Gensel. But nobody can hear them unless they are amplified, which kind of defeats the purpose of vespering don't you think?
• Italian people call scooters vespas because they don't know any better. But it kind of sounds like "vesper" anyway.