University of Notre Dame
“Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!”
“BRETT FAVRE!”
“They're always after me Lucky Charms!”
The University of Notre Dame du Lac (or simply Notre Dame) was founded by God at the Dawn of Time in South Bend, Indiana. When the final stones of the campus were lain down,a choir of angels proclaimed its eternal splendor and glory. Notre Dame is a University for Real christians only (Catholics), which means that God defends it with his own shield and sword. If you go to Notre Dame, you are automatically going to heaven.
Athletics[edit]
Notre Dame possesses some the best athletic teams ever seen by modern man. For their mascot, Notre Dame has chosen some pissed off Irishman, since in fact it is the Irish, not the Israelites as previously believed, that are God's chosen people. They are the Fighting Irish since, as everyone knows, the Irish were endowed by Jebus with the best fighting prowess of all humanity. Recently, however, Notre Dame has began to allow Negroes to compete athletically, and some had begun to question the University's Christianity. Sensing a slip in faith, God put these fears to rest with a miracle, turning a black man into an asexual Leprechaun in 1999.
Football[edit]
God's excess fat was made into Notre Dame's former head football coach, Charlie Weis. Weis was originally an offensive coach for the New England Patriots, but became a born again Christian and realized that the Patriots were only winning because they videotaped the other team's signals. Contrary to all other known opinions, Notre Dame is the team of God. If you like them, then you're automatically a saint. Everyone who attends rival Universities such as Michigan, Purdue, Pitt, Navy, USC, Protestants, etc. are going straight to hell. Jimmy Clausen, a complete tool sent from the fiery pits of California, is the leader of the cult. Like most high profile college quarterbacks from Notre Dame not named Montana, Clausen will sit the bench on a terrible team and when he gets his chance will pull a "Rick Mirer."
As it turns out however, Charlie Weis is actually the fattest man to have had a gastric bypass surgery. Unfortunately, it did not help minimize his appearance, but made us wonder why he is still obnoxiously huge. Weis was fired for being over 500 pounds in 2009, and was replaced by Brian Kelly, Cincinatti's former head coach. Sort of a douche move to leave a school you've coached to two Big East titles in three years for a so-called powerhouse.
Notre Dame is the last remaining independent university (except for military schools, who are the only teams that could possibly suck more), meaning that God had laughed at them and enjoyed the humiliation of not being able to compete in an NCAA conference. They even have their own unwatched Network, NBC, which has broadcast all of their home games since 1337 AD. They have this because God feels they are a terrible team and fun to laugh at. Going fifteen years without a bowl win is proof. Okay, they won in 2008, but Hawaii's entire team was off getting laid at the time.
Notre Dame football-dom is structured around a strict class system, not unlike or particularly like those of feudal times. The upper echelon consists of grad student alumni, followed by undergrad alumni, then faculty, students, janitorial staff, and its greatest champion of loserdom and eternal poster child, Joe Heisman. These classes are propped up by the backbreaking support of a sub-lower class proletariat, made up of Godless supporters of the University whom the one true God has not deemed adequate for entry to Heaven. This class is generally identifiable by various items of Indiana University apparel and their appearance from beneath manhole covers and sewer drains every fall Saturday. While generally looked down upon as semi-mongoloid, this class is nonetheless accepted, as the blood of their first born sustains the Notre Dame clergy.
A shrine in Notre Dame's stadium, Touchdown Jesus (itself a re-worked mural of David Koresh donated by the Branch Davidians just prior to the 1993 ATF intervention), is there to remind all visiting teams that they are not only playing against a University, but the will of Jesus the Almighty. It is said, quite truthfully, that for every point Notre Dame scores, a Demon commits suicide. So in 2007 very few Demons died, except for when Notre Dame played Duke. This led to the Great Demon Cluster Suicide of 2007.
Notre Dame went undefeated in 2012, but they'll get their asses kicked against some random SEC team.