Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/July 4

July 4: Will Smith Day (USA), American Independence Day (most other countries)

• 2000 BCE - An ageing Conan the Barbarian notices that his thews aren't as mighty as they used to be. Depressed, he eats a carton of ice cream, and washes it down with bourbon.
• 476 - Paralyzed by infighting and an inability to govern, the Roman Empire and senate collapses. This would later be replaced by the Italian republic and its legislature, paralyzed by infighting and an inability to govern.
• c.850 - China plays the long game by inventing gunpowder and fireworks so that America will destroy itself by fire or explosion.
• 993 - Saint Skeet Ulrich of Augsburg is canonized. Unfortunately, they used too much powder and he overshoots the catch net.
• 1365 - Barbara Cartland writes her first romance novel, Twilight.
• 1776 - King George III receives a letter from the colonies; throws it out thinking that it's yet another menu from a pizza restaurant.
• 1862 - Abraham Lincoln proclaims an end to the American Civil War. He waits a moment, then yells "Psych!"
• 1917 - American troops in Flanders attempt to recreate the famous Christmas Truce of 1914 by holding a 4th of July barbeque in No Man's Land. The results are predictable.
• 1969 - Birth of Will Smith. The world rejoices. Warring forces in Vietnam, Czechoslovakia and Detroit lay down their arms, and join together in ushering in the new Golden Age of Mankind.
• 1996 - Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum save the world by infecting the alien mothership with a computer virus, thus continuing the time-honored tradition of infections saving the world from aliens. Will Smith tries to take all the credit, but Jeff Goldblum threatens to sic his Jewish father on him.
• 2001 - While Will Smith is busy getting jiggy wit it, aliens from the Andromeda galaxy invade the Earth and install George W. Bush as president.
• 2007 - You sit at a computer. Why not go outside and get some fresh air? And watch the stars, the sky, and that huge metal ball that somehow didn't hit that comet but changed its path towards you? Yeah, it's following you. Get an umbrella or go to the subways.