UnNews:Virginia vote vexes
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| Virginia vote vexes | 
|
8 November 2017
Yes, Virginia – In the Virginia governor’s race, Democratic candidate Ralph "Hey Ralphie-Boy" Northam defeated Republican Ed "Look Ma, I’m a Demagogue" Gillespie. With 99% of the vote counted, Northam had 54% to Gillespie’s 45%. The vote was closer among Virginia’s dead voters, with a 50/50 split. However the strong showing of deranged redneck hillbilly votes could not overcome the fawning obedient servants of the wealthy casting their turncoat owner’s surrogate votes.
This was an election of firsts for Virginia. This year was the first in Virginia’s history where tobacco plantation owners could not cast multiple votes based on the number of slaves they held. It was also the first election in the US since last year where an independent technician based in Leningrad did not perform voter verification and counting.
Tactics prove key[edit]
Pundits credited a last-minute blitz of re-runs of The Honeymooners on TV with putting Northam over the top. Analyst Chuck Waller noted, "People would hear 'Ralph' and 'Norton' all the time. It sounds like 'Ralph Northam'. Brilliant." Republican party officials now think they should have reconsidered their campaign of stopping people on the street, punching them in the face and then sticking a Gillespie button into their chests. Next election, they plan to go with a punch to the gut and covering the person in leeches since traditional medicine has become so popular.
Political analysts also pointed out that although the message was familiar, Gillespie seemed to distance himself from the President. Virginia’s Republican Party preferred to use posters and TV ads showing Richard Nixon and "Papa Doc" Duvalier of Haiti instead of President Donald Trump. "We just figured that the voters wouldn’t understand a picture of (Austrian fascist dictator) Engelbert Dollfuss, even though we line up with his policies 100%."
The Republican candidate was stunned by the after-election tweet by President Trump which stated that while Gillespie worked hard, he did not embrace Trump or his policies. Gillespie countered that he followed the playbook as best he could by blaming immigrants for everything including the loss of the War of 1812 and the recent eclipse that devastated the Midwest. He summarily attacked his opponent, a pediatrician, for supporting child molesters and for being responsible for every airplane crash in the US since 1963. “I couldn't do the suggested "burn the Reichstag building and blame the commie Democrats" because we don’t have a Reichstag. Plus I just couldn’t go through with the recommended photo op with Trump and Trump Jr. in the first two positions of a human centipede, with me last. Golden showers, hey, no problem."
Aftermath[edit]
The President’s message ended with a garbled part that apparently read "Brennt Paris?" That was followed by a perfect tweet storm of such proportions that the internet was temporarily disrupted. A spokesman for Twitter noted that "You’re probably aware that we've allow emojis to be used since about three years ago. However, an average of 4500 frownie faces per second for over 3 consecutive minutes was unexpected and proved to be beyond the capabilities of the internet." While Twitter servers were largely unaffected, an overloaded relay antenna caused ripples in the internet backbone which took down Snapchat and Instagram, among others, for about an hour. Millions of Millennials spun around in one place for the entire time, trying to get bars to appear on their phones.
Still, some things will never change in the Commonwealth of Virginia. No matter the winner, the statues on Richmond’s famous Monument Avenue will still be given new white robes and matching pointy hoods. Immigrants of all types will be shown to the state lines so that the low-paying jobs that they stole from honest Americans will now go unfilled. This is as it should be as no self-respecting American should work for a wage when welfare beckons. African Americans will be reunited with the families that owned their families with the repeal of the Emancipation Proclamation, promised by the Trump administration later this month.
Source[edit]
- Tackett, Michael "Trumpism Without Trump: A Losing Formula in Swing-State Virginia". New York Times, November 7, 2017