Family
“We are Family. Except for <insert name here>, of course.”
“You're working hard to put food on your family”
“When I was growing up, I had a hot sister. Then I realized that she was really my mother. Damn the frustration.”
A family is an age-old tradition stemming from the archaic practice of "marriage". There are many types of families. One is the "Happy family". This type of family has a hereditary condition called "congenital chronic smiling", and often stars in TV shows. Another type of family is the "Nuclear family". This type of family consists of a man, a chef, and their offal, and has the capability to destroy the world many many times over. In fact, if one member of a nuclear family is kidnapped or eaten by a bear, involving precise timing and electrical charges, a chain reaction will begin, resulting in the destruction of all matter. A final type of family is the "Cetacean family", also known as "Whales". These families live in fast-food restaurants and eat meals typically known as "Joey Bag-of-Heart-Attack". Most families really like to eat cake, which is understandable, given the delicious nature of cake.
Sometimes, family members form great personal relationships and enjoy spending large amounts of time together. This is referred to by family therapist Michael Jackson to be a warning sign in identifying a potentially dysfunctional family, who recommends that all male children in families should be given to him for early deterrence by gaysodomy.
Families of the southern United States[edit]
“I'm my pa's sister's second husband. I'm my own uncle!”
Typical families found below the Mason-Dixon line tend to gravitate toward arranged marriages. By arranged, I mean incestual, and by marriages I mean backyard ho-downs.
Families of Italian descent[edit]
“How to speak I-talian: "Get in the trunk!"”
In most cultures, the nucleus of the family is the grandfather, or the person with the largest ears on the first of January of the current year. Italian Families break that mold by annually electing The Godfather.
Italian families are also famous for their complete lack of emotion when there is a death in the Family. This is because they reproduce at the same frequency as rabbits and can therefore have family members to spare.