UnNews:United States Launches Massive Assault on Chile
|Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?||✪||UnNews||✪||Tuesday, December 5, 2023, 18:55:UTC)(|
|United States Launches Massive Assault on Chile|
27 February 2010
SANTIAGO, Chile -- The United States military has launched a massive air assault on Chile. The attack, launched in the wee hours of Saturday morning is responsible for at least 78 deaths so far, mostly civilian, and billions of dollars in damage. The Americans launched the attack in response to intelligence received from a captured insurgent in Iraq. It is believed the intelligence indicated Osama bin Laden was staying at a hotel in Concepcion.
The Americans responded by launching a blitz against the city, the worst bombing since atomic weapons were dropped against Japan at the end of World War II. Concepcion was the worst hit but the Americans bombed all over the country to ensure that bin Laden did not escape. It is not known if bin Laden was killed in the bombing. He was last reported to be staying at a Holiday Inn Express near the beach. However, it was also reported he moves often and never stays in the same hotel more than a couple of days.
This marks the first time the United States has attacked Chile since it installed dictator Augusto Pinochet into power in 1973. Chilean President Michele Bachelet recognizes the United States' right to go after bin Laden but says they should have asked the Chilean military to help. She also says that they should have informed the Chileans they were coming rather than destroying half of her country. She also denied knowing if bin Laden was in the country. Defence Secretary Robert Gates dismissed this and said "We had no other choice but to act. The United States is not going to ask permission or sit around and wait for other countries to help us. We will do what is best for us come hell or high water. We regret the civilian casualties but seriously 100 dead Chileans is better than one dead American. You can't tell me anything different".
After this morning's assault, American forces are going to taper off the air raids and wait to see if reports of bin Laden resurface. Smaller air raids continued throughout the morning and afternoon and Secretary Gates says they will still continue until bin Laden is captured or killed. Gates also plans to send Ground Troops into Chile if no new information on bin Laden comes in. Gates told Chilean officials he has no qualms about going into Chile and added that the US destroyed the city of Port-au-Prince, Haiti after receiving an anonymous call from the US saying bin Laden was hiding there. The report later turned out to be false. "Anywhere we are told bin Laden is, we will bomb. We'll smoke him out wherever he is. I mean sure we might make some mistakes as the Haitian people found out. Still though, I'd rather destroy 100 cities than not destroy one and let bin Laden get away. We are going to catch that bastard wherever he is.".
Gates was questioned by reporters from his home in Washington about the possible international repercussions of unilaterly destroying cities on only hearsay evidence. Gates shot back that the "United States has done this for over 50 years, what makes you think things are different now, what just because Obama is in. Please, the military runs the United States. Barack is simply a puppet, he didn't even know about the bombing campaign until he saw it on CNN this morning". The reporter was then dragged off to an undisclosed location for special methods of questioning. "Any other questions? ..... Didn't think so". Reporters then promptly left the Gates residence and the press conference ended. It is not known how long the Chilean campaign will last but it is likely it will go on for months and kill hundreds of thousands, possibly millions, of people. Chilean officials condemned the attack. With an inferior military though, there is not much they can do except take cover and pick up the pieces when the assault is over. This should happen in a matter of weeks or months when the US realizes Osama isn't even there and that they've been duped again.
- Eva Vergara "8.8-magnitude Chile earthquake damages buildings, setting off tsunami". Question, February 27th, 2010