UnNews:UnNews Czar refuses to appear on the Daily Show

A newsstand that's brimming with issues

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UnNews

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Thursday, November 21, 2024, 23:29:59 (UTC)

5 September 2006

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Jon Stuart wishes he could be on the cover of a national magazine.

NEW YORK, New York -- UnNews Czar Oliver O'Reilly addressed a crowd of journalists today in Times Square in front of Comedy Channel's Studios, and shook the foundations of journalism to the core. Citing "creative differences" between he and Jon Stuart, Oli refused an invitation to the barely popular Daily Show.

"That smegging bastard Stuart has a lot of balls, trying to entice one of us onto his show", said a slightly drunk O'Reilly on the invitation to an UnNews anchor. "If he thinks he can ride UnNews coat tails to glory, thereby saving his plummeting ratings, he's a right wanker."

A feud has been simmering slowly on low heat since last June, when the Daily Show was stealing talent away from UnNews. Stuart's minions offered such percs as a salary, power, and a nice wardrobe, to unwitting UnNews staff in a feeble attempt to bugger UPR.

On July 14, Stuart made his bid for a hostile takeover of UnNews by offering free beer and ganja to staff. Despite the fact that every member of UPR joyfully accepted, believing this would lead to increased productivity and job satisfaction, the evil plan failed when staffers woke up the next morning with no memory of the previous day. Lawyers for UnNews successfully argued that besotted and stoned anchors were not legally bound to a contract signed just before passing out.

In a related story, Steven Colbert of the Colbert Report offered his services as a stud to any Uncyclopedian over the rank of Second Lieutenant. Reverend zim_ulator is the only holdout, citing his fondness for latex and electric underwear. "There's one thing I'm sure Colbert is not", said the Reverend, "and that is kinky."