UnNews:Turtle attacks man
| Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Thursday, November 21, 2024, 16:11:59 (UTC) |
| Turtle attacks man | 
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14 April 2007
CLEARWATER, Florida -- Mr. Irving Steinberg, 92 , was walking from his assisted living facility to the drugstore on Thursday when suddenly, a turtle came out of the bushes. "I was rather happy at first when I saw the turtle." said Mr. Steinberg, "They are rare to see these days. But then things went all crazy, that turtle headed straight for me, it had a crazy look in its eyes. I could tell it was vicious so I started to flee as fast as I could, but that was one fast turtle. Every time I looked behind me it was gaining. I was praying to God to save my life, cause I knew it would catch up to me soon,” ‘’’
Witnesses reported that they saw Mr. Steinberg slowly moving down the street shaking badly and having trouble using his walker. A young boy in the yard across the street told UnNews what he saw, "That old guy was shuffling down the sidewalk for about 15 minutes, and there was a turtle following him, he was yelling 'The Turtle, The Turtle'. I yelled to him that I thought it was a very nice turtle, my Mom always says I should humor the old people around here."
Patrolman Leonard Baker was patrolling the area and when he saw the turtle, he immediately pulled over. When interviewed, he gave this account. “I saw the turtle walking on the sidewalk and knew I had to act fast. Those turtles are endangered and the University wants us to catch them and bring them in to be tagged. They are later released into protected areas as part of he “Florida Wildlife Preservation” effort. Thank goodness that old guy didn't step on it, there's a $5000 dollar fine.”
“God Bless that policeman” said Mr. Steinberg, “I turned and saw him arresting that killer turtle, he put it in the car and drove away, I hope it gets put in Jail or the Zoo, anyplace just so long as a person can feel safe walking on the street again.”